The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read:
BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading:
LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.
He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop … It read:

MAIN ENTRANCE.

A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.

Dad, listen, he shouted, I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.

Settled it! cried his astonished father. Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!

Two men are walking along the beach on day when they find a bottle buried in the sand. As they are brushing the sand off, a genie pops out and tells them he will give each of them one wish.

After thinking a moment the first man says, I wish I were the worlds smartest man.

Done, says the genie, and the man suddenly starts explaining Einstein’s Theory of Relativity to his friend.

The second man thinks for a moment, then says, I want to be smarter than him!

Done, says the genie, and turns him into a woman!

A little boy comes to his Mom one day and asks her, Why does Daddy eat light bulbs?

The mother laughs and says, What makes you think that your father eats light bulbs?

The boy replies, The other night when you didnt know I was listening, I heard Daddy say to you, Turn out the light Honey, and Ill eat it!

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters – who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I cant remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, Where am I, Cathy?
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
__________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Grandpa and his grandson were sitting reading when she asked,

Did God make you, Grandpa?

Yes, God made me, the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little boy asked him, Did God make me too?

Yes, He did, the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little boy seemed to be studying his grandpa, as well as his own reflection in the mirror, while his grandfather wondered what was running through his mind. At last he spoke up.

You know, Grandpa, he said, Gods doing a lot better job lately.

A man was going to the dentist to get some teeth pulled. The dentist was about to give the man some local anesthesia to numb the pain.

Dont give me any drugs doc, I can take the pain. the man said.

The doctor pulled the first tooth out and the man just grunted. Then the doctor attempted to pull the second tooth, only this one snapped in half. But again the man just grunted. Wow, that sure is a lot of pain just to grunt at, have you ever felt pain like that before? asked the amazed dentist.

Well, twice actually. said the man, The first time was when I was out in the woods and had to take a crap really bad. I pulled down my pants and jumped over this log. Just then a bear trap closed on my balls and I started running….

Damn that must have hurt. the dentist interrupted. What was the second time?

Oh, that would have been when the bear trap came to the end of its chain.

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, Hey, Moe! Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But dont worry — the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half days drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they dont require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. Youll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but Id already paid my bill. What should I do?

A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if Im away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldnt do that. Youll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. Its best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all youre risking is the $10 co-payment, theres no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Q: Whats a practical nurse?

A: A nurse who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.

A nurse asks the doctor if she can borrow his pen. The nurse says, Doctor, you just gave me a thermometer.

The doctor replied, God damn it! Some assholes got my pen!

Many people are in line at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter is processing them very slowly. After a while, a man with a doctors bag walks past everybody, nods to St. Peter and walks in.

One irate man walks up to St. Peter and says, How come that doctor gets to go in while the rest of us wait?

St. Peter replied, Thats not a doctor, thats God. He just likes to play doctor sometimes.

Q: What does it mean to go on the Scarsdale Diet?

A: You shoot your doctor and then spend the rest of your life eating bread and water.

Paul Randolph

Okayama, Japan

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.