BLAMESTORMING: Sitting in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, criticizes on everything, and then leaves.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always have their idea generators running.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generations answer to the couch potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see whats going on.

SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.

TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from ones workplace.

GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally wacked out, and losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on wild rampages.

ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

BROWNMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

CHIPS & SALSA: Chips ? hardware, Salsa ? software. Well, first we gotta figure out if the problems in your chips or your salsa.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, We each owe $8, but all anybodys got are yuppie food stamps.

CLM – Career Limiting Move: Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Complaining about your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the comic strip character. Ive been dilberted again — our boss revised the specs for the fourth time this week.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that youve just made a BIG mistake.

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD JOB: A Get-Out-Of-Debt Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. TV trials are a prime example, Elimidate is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)

Theres no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins werent invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which arent sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers dont fing, grocers dont groce and hammers dont ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isnt the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?

Doesnt it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didnt preacher praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes it seems like English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

How you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Have you ever met a sung hero or experienced requited love?

Have you ever run into someone who was dis-combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isnt a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!

A mom of an 8 year old boy was awaiting her sons arrival from school. As he ran in, he said he needed to talk to her about making babies. He claimed he knew about the development of a fetus but didnt understand the answer to that million dollar question. Namely, how did the sperm get into the woman?

The mom asked the boy what he thought the answer was. The boy said that the sperm is manufactured in the mans stomach, it rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth whereupon he kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.

The mom told her boy that that was a good guess, but wrong. She said that she would give him a hint…that the sperm came out of the mans penis.

Suddenly, the boys face became quite red and he said, YOU MEAN YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT THING!!??

Patient: Im in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: Youve had an accident involving a train.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, Ive got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Well… The bad news first…

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: Thats terrible! Whats the good news?

Doctor: Theres a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers

RAINY web

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

You simpleton! the officer barked. Dont you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?

Yes sir, the solder answered apologetically. But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, Lets eat one now and save the other until winter — that did it.

Ted and his wife where waiting at the bus stop with Harry, his spouse and Harrys nine children.

At last the bus drew up, packed with poeple.

The two women, and the nine children managed to get on. but the men where left behind and had to walk.

After trotting along the road for an hour, Teds walking stick got on Harrys nerves with its continual tapping.

Why dont you put a rubber on that stick! Harry complained.

Ted snapped back If youd put a rubber on your stick, wed have got on that blasted bus.

After my 11 year old son did something really dumb, I called him a moron. He looked at he like he was saying,
Dad, do you know anything?

He finally said Dad I looked moron up in the dictionary and the definition of it is a person who has the intelligence of a 12 year old. Thanks Dad, you just gave me a compliment!

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?

The blonde guy leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat……

He says Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here – try these on.

So, she did and said, These are too big, I cant wear them.

I replied, …exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems.

Hmmm, says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

So on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, Here try these on.

So she does and says, these are too large, they dont fit me.

Jack says, …exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I dont want you to ever forget that.

Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, Here, you try on mine.

So he does and says, I cant get into your pants.

So Jill says, …exactly. And if you dont change your smartass attitude, you never will.

This woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she sufferred from
excessive farting, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done
nothing about it. So the Doctor took down all of her medical history, a process
that took quite a while.

At the end, the woman says, You see, Doctor, while Ive been sitting here
talking to you Ive broken wind five times, but theres no sound and no smell.

At this point, the Doctor scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and
handed it to the woman. Whats this? she asked, some pills?

No, replied the Doctor, that is a prescription for a hearing aid; come in
next week, and we will operate on your nose.