Two Chinese tourists were visiting USA. After some rambling, they got rather hungry.

The first said, Id love to eat some dog.

The second Me, too! And look at that sign! It says, HOT DOGS!

The other Chinese flicks through his English-Chinese dictionary and is confirmed that they serve dog there. They both walk into the shop and order hot dogs.

After receiving their meals, the first Chinese looks between the bun and goes all white. He stares at his friend and asks, Which part of the dogs anatomy did YOU get?

The Marine 3-star general in charge of the joint office called his entire staff in for an indoctrination meeting. When they were all inside, the general had his aide close the door and said, If youre going to work in this office, you need to have COMMITMENT, each and every one of you. Nothing is more important.

He then said to his aide, Let him go. The aide opened up the door to a side office, and in ran a 7-foot long alligator, snarling and snapping.

The general looked straight at his new people and said Youre each going to have to demonstrate COMMITMENT.

He then undid his belt and dropped his trousers around his knees. Immediately the alligator ran up and sunk his teeth right into the generals family jewels and held on tight. The general winced, but instantly composed himself and shouted, This is COMMITMENT!

He waited several seconds more, then took two of his fingers and jabbed the alligator in both eyes. The gator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the general.

That, my friends, is COMMITMENT. Which one of you is ready to demonstrate his COMMITMENT?

There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring. Finally an AF fighter pilot stepped forward and said, I will sir, if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.

Joe was having medical problems and went to see the Doctor. As usual, the Nurse got out his chart and went over medications and history. Then she asked him what his problems were that brought him in to see the doctor today. Joe said, It is kind of personal and I would rather tell the doctor. The nurse said, By telling me, it will speed things up as I will already have this written in your chart, so please proceed to tell me your problems. Joe said, Well, OK, I am having trouble with my penis – – – – – -. At this, the nurses face turned red and she ran out of the room. Later, when the doctor came in, he told Joe that he had upset the nurse and Joe explained that he was only telling her what she asked for. I know, said the doctor, but next time just tell her that you have a problem with your ear and when I come in, we will correct anthing in the chart. OK, said Joe.

Well, three days later, Joe returned on a recall as his condition still had not cleared up. Again, the nurse got out his chart and started over medications and history. Again, she asked Joe what his problem was today. Joe replied, I have a problem with my left ear. The nurse asked, And exactly what problems are you having with your left ear. Joe replied, I cant pee out of it!!

It was Palm Sunday, and the familys 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, People held them over Jesus head as he walked by.

Wouldnt you know it, the boy fumed. The one Sunday I dont go to church, and Jesus shows up!

One cucumber was telling another my life is miserable, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone slices me up and puts me in a salad.

The other cucumber said yeah well, my life is worse, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts me in a jar with vinegar and garlic and pickles me.

A penis was listening to this conversation and chimes in, my life is worse than both of yours, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts a bag over my head and makes me do pushups til I puke.

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

By Hank Vorjes

VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peters Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined companys new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years, said Gates.

The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the companys new on-line service, we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates.

You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution — even reduce your time in Purgatory — all without leaving your home.

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peters Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello — in character as Father Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats, the crowd roared, but the pontiffs smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vaticans prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors access to these key intellectual properties.

The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures, said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia.

You take the parting of the Red Sea — we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage.

The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience, notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Churchs market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Churchs mission is to reach the four corners of the earth, echoing MICROSOFTs vision of a computer on every desktop and in every home.

Gates described MICROSOFTs long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired — One religion, a couple of different implementations, said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.

While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied Im on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.

She said Im on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th.

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell?

She replied, if I told you, you would only laugh. No I wouldnt, he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

Well if you must know, she answered, I sell Tampax.

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said see I knew you would laugh.

Thats not what Im laughing at he replied, Im a toilet paper salesman, so Im still a hole behind you!

A paralegal, an associate and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes, so Ill give each of you just one.

Me first! Me first! says the paralegal. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Brad Pitt.

Poof! Shes gone.

Me next! Me next! says the associate. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.

Poof! Hes gone.

Youre next, the Genie says to the partner.

The partner says, I want those two back in the office after lunch.

A dusty cowboy rides up to the saloon on his horse, gets off and ties it to the hitching post, then slaps the dust off his jacket and chaps. He walks around to the back of the horse, puckers up his lips and kisses the horse directly on the asshole. He then walks into the saloon, walks up to the bar and says to the bartender Whiskey!

The bartender pours him a glass of whiskey and says to the cowpoke Say there pardner, I noticed when you got off your horse you went behind it and kissed it right on the asshole. Whyd you do that?

The cowpoke replies Chapped lips.

Chapped lips? asks the bartender, Is that a cure for chapped lips? No says the cowpoke, but it sures hell stops you from lickin em.

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

How would you like it if you didnt see me for two or three days?

To which he replied.

That would be fine with me.

Monday went by and he didnt see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.