Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex.

He said I would like to have one too then I said but this is a dog

He said he didnt care what she looked like.

Then I said but you dont understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old.

He replied that I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.

I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex.

He said every room in this place is for sex.

I said you dont understand Sex keeps me awake all night and the clerk replied me too.

I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away.

Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.

He told me that I could have sold tickets for that but you dont understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V.

He called me a Show off.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said Your honor I had sex before we were married

The judge said me too.

Then I told him that after we were married sex left me.

He replied me too.

Last night Sex ran off again I spent hours looking around for him.

A cop came over and asked me What are you doing wandering around the alleys at 4:AM.

I replied I am looking for Sex

My case comes up in court on Friday.

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks, You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?

The old man replies, I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth.

The journalist is amazed. How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things? she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. Like Im talking to a wall.

The father of five children won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

Who is the most obedient?, he asked.
Who never talks back to mother?
Who does everything she says?

Five small voices answered in unison:

A guy says, Doctor, Doctor! Help me, I keep thinking Im getting smaller!
Doctor replies, Well, youll just have to be a little patient.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Im not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever – so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you aint makin waves, you aint kickin hard enough!

Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and hell run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: Theyre making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, Mam, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know youll forgive me.

She replies, if your penis is as hard as your elbow, Im in room 436.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesnt bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent.

As a matter of fact, Ive farted at least 20 times since Ive been here in your office. You didnt know I was farting because they dont smell and are silent.

The doctor says, I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back. Doctor, she says, I dont know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts … although still silent … stink terribly.

The doctor says, Good!!! Now that weve cleared up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing.

This blonde had a near death experience the other day.

She climbed on top of a horse, and all of a sudden it started moving.
She was a little frightened, this was her first time, but she kept on the horse. Then the horse started going fast and got out of control, and the blonde couldnt stay on, she fell of, but her foot got stuck, and she was dragging on the ground.
She started screaming, and was in great pain.

Then the wal-mart manager came outside and unplugged the horse.

A woman waited to her psychiartrist, Oh, Doctor, what am I going to do? My husband thinks hes a refrigerator.

Why exactly does that bother you? the perplexed doctor asked.

when he sleeps with his mouth open, the light keeps me up!

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.

What do they say?, the priest asked.

They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?

Thats terrible, the priest exclaimed, But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

Thank you. said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priests two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,

Put the bibles away our prayers have been answered