After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There he is greeted by George Washington.

How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive! yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: You wanted to end the Americans liberty, so they gave you death! Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense! He drops a large weight on Osamas knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, This is not what I was promised!

An angel replies: I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?

Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this and calls out: Fifty dollars! He is tempted, but the price is a little high. So he calls back: Five! She is disappointed and turns away and Bill continues his jog.

A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she want not come down on her price. Fifty! she shouts and Bill answers her: Five! No sale.

About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells: See what you get for five dollars!

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

HELP WANTED Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, I cant hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, The sign says you have to be good with a computer.

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still cant give you the job.

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, Meow.

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape.

5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

6. The glass in windows – even double pane – cannot stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, its already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A young child can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Small Legos will successfully pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.

11. Play-Doh and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is permanent.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still cant walk on water.

14. VCRs will not spontaneously eject PB&J sandwiches

15. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

16. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.

17. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

18. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not taste or smell better baked.

19. The spin cycle on the washing machine does make earthworms squirm.

20. Making a cat dizzy will cause it to spit up twice its body weight.

The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.

Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: Take next plane for fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress.

His friend was quick to wire back: Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11.30 a.m. How long have you known about us?

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the stores opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colurful curse. On the mans second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.

As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, That does it! If they hit me one more time, I wont open the store!

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. Doctor, he said sadly, Im afraid Im going to have to ask you to cut off my dogs tail. The vet stepped back, Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing? Because my mother-in-laws arriving tomorrow, and I dont want anything to make her think shes welcome.

Crack Found on Governors Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head, Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield, (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

A man goes to a shrink and says, Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larrys bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! Im going crazy. What do you think I should do? Relax, says the Doctor, take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larrys bar?

Picard:
Sigma Indri, thats the star,

So, Data, please, how far? How far?
Data:
Our ship can get there very fast

But still the trip will last and last

Well have two days til we arrive

But can the Indrans there survive?

Picard:
LaForge, please give us factor nine.
LaForge:
But, sir, the engines are offline!
Picard:
Offline! But why? I want to go!

Please make it so, please make it so!
Riker:
But sir, if Geordi says we cant,

We cant, we mustnt, and we shant,

The danger here is far too great!
Picard:
But surely we must not be late!
Troi:
Im sensing anger and great ire.
Computer:
Alert! Alert! The ships on fire!
Picard:
The ships on fire? How could this be?

Who lit the fire?
Riker:
Not me.
Worf:
Not me.
Picard:
Computer, how long til we die?
Computer:
Eight minutes left to say goodbye.
Data:
May I suggest a course to take?

We could, I think, quite safely make

Extinguishers from tractor beams

And stop the fire, or so it seems…
Geordi:
Hurray! Hurray! Youve saved the day!

Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!
Picard:
Mr. Data, thank you much.

Youve saved our lives, our ship, and such.
Troi:
We still must save the Indran planet —
Data:
Which (by the way) is made of granite…
Picard:
Enough, you android. Please desist.

We understand — we get your gist.

But can we get our ship to go?

Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.
Geordi:
Theres sabotage among the wires

And thats what started all the fires.
Riker:
We have a saboteur? Oh, no!

We need to go! We need to go!
Troi:
We must seek out the traitor spy

And lock him up and ask him why?
Worf:
Ask him why? How sentimental.

I say give him problems dental.
Troi:
Are any Romulan ships around?

Have scanners said that theyve been found?

Or is it Borg or some new threat

We havent even heard of yet?

I sense no malice in this crew.

Now what are we supposed to do?
Crusher:
Captain, please, the Indrans need us.

They cry out, Help us, clothe us, feed us!

I cant just sit and let them die!

A doctor MUST attempt — MUST try!
Picard:
Doctor, please, well get there soon.
Crusher:
They may be dead by Tuesday noon.
*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK

HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*
Worf:
The saboteur is in the brig.

Hes very strong and very big.

I had my phaser set on stun —

A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!

He would not budge, he would not fall,

He would not stun, no, not at all!

He changed into a stranger form

All soft and purple, round and warm.
Picard:
Did you see this, Mr. Worf?

Did you see this creature morph?
Worf:
I did and then I beat him fairly.

Hit him on the jaw — quite squarely.
Riker:
My commendations, Klingon friend!

Our troubles now are at an end!
Crusher:
Now lets get our ship to fly

And orbit yonder Indran sky!
Picard:
LaForge, please tell me we can go…?
Geordi:
Yes, sir, we can.
Picard:
Then make it so!