A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. Go get help., he pleads.

She replies, I cant, Im naked.

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says Cover your crotch with that and go get help. She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, HELP! HELP! My boyfriends stuck!

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, Im sorry Miss. Hes too far in.

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, Have you ever been arrested? he wrote, No.

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was Why?

The applicant answered it anyway: Never got caught.

In Prison:
You spend your time in an 8 x 10 cell

At Work:
You spend your time in an 6 x 8 cubicle

In Prison:
You get three free meals a day

At Work:
You get one break for a meal you pay for

In Prison:
A guard locks and unlocks all doors for you

At Work:
You carry a security card, you unlock the doors

In Prison:
You get to watch TV and play games

At Work:
You get fired for watching TV and playing games

In Prison:
You get your own toilet

At Work:
You have to share

In Prison:
Family and friends are allowed to visit

At Work:
Youre not allowed to speak to family or friends

In Prison:
Expenses are paid by taxpayers and work is not required

At Work:
You pay to go to work and you get to deduct expenses
on your taxes to pay for prisoners

In Prison:
You look through the bars, hoping to get out

At Work:
You want to get out so you can go inside the bars

In Prison:
The wardens who are often called sadistic

At Work:
The wardens are called managers

ArteryThe study of paintings.
BenignWhat you be after you be eight.
BacteriaBack door to cafeteria.
BariumWhat doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean SectionA neighborhood in Rome.
CatscanSearching for Kitty.
CauterizeMade eye contact with her.
ColicA sheep dog.
ComaA punctuation mark.
D&CWhere Washington is.
DilateTo live long.
EnemaNot a friend.
FesterQuicker than someone else.
FibulaA small lie.
GenitalNon-Jewish person.
G.I.SeriesWorld Series of military baseball.
HangnailWhat you hang your coat on.
ImpotentDistinguished, well known.
Labor PainGetting hurt at work.
Medical StaffA Doctors cane.
MorbidA higher offer than I bid.
NitratesCheaper than day rates.
NodeI knew it.
OutpatientA person who has fainted.
Pap SmearA fatherhood test.
PelvisSecond cousin to Elvis.
Post OperativeA letter carrier.
Recovery RoomPlace to do upholstery.
RectumDarn near killed him.
SecretionHiding something.
SeizureRoman emperor.
TabletA small table.
Terminal IllnessGetting sick at the airport.
TumorMore than one.
UrineOpposite of youre out.
VaricoseNear by.

A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, Youre really doing great, arent you?

The man replied, Just doing what you said Doctor – Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.

The Doctor said, I didnt say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.

One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma juniors 21 years old now It’s about time we teach him about sex.

Ma said ya know pa your right.

So pa said to junior hey junior come on out to the porch for a second.

so junior came on out to the porch, Junior says ya pa whatcha want.

Pa said junior it’s about time we teach you about sex.

Junior said sex whats sex.

Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does, and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch.

Pa says to junior see that hole in ma? watch this. So pa starts going at it with ma.

In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch, he’s 18 and says, Junior whats ma and pa doing.

Junior says their teaching me about sex.

Junior’s brother says sex whats sex.

Junior says see that hole in pa watch this.Red

A gentile once wandered into a Jewish restaurant and ordered roast chicken.

The waiter said, Take my advice and have the boiled beef today.

No thank you. I want the roast chicken

Listen to me. The roast chicken is not for you. Have the boiled beef

What is this? Dont you suppose I know what I want? Bring me the roast chicken at once! The diner was getting mad.

I will not do that. I know better than you what you want.

Look, said the diner striking the table a resounding blow, get me the manager!

The manager drawn by the noise, came bustling over. What the hell is going on here?

The waiter turned to him and said, Listen. This guy didnt come here to eat. He came here to give me an arguement.

From Asimov Laughs Again, an absolutely wonderful book full of jokes and anecdotes from the Good Doctor.

Pretty funny if you think about it…

What the Doctor saysWhat the Doctor REALLY means
This should be taken care of right away.Id planned a trip to Kenya next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
Well see.First I have to check my malpractice insurance.
Let me check your medical history.I want to see if youve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
Why dont we make another appointment later in the week.Im playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
I really cant recommend seeing a chiropractor.I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.

But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked.

Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground, he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? he was again asked.

He quickly answered, Oh that? The dogs leash goes slack!

A woman is rushed into hospital in labour with twins, sadly it turns out that she has a rare condition which causes her to slip into a coma when she feels extreme pain.Six months later the woman wakes up in her hospital bed.Doctor! She asks What happened to the children?Dont worry madam. He replied, The children are fine, you have a strong yound lad and a beatiful baby girl. Your brother collected them, named them and is now looking after them.Oh no! My brother is an idiot She cried. What did he name them?Well your daughters name is Denise The doctor informed her.The woman breathed a sigh of relief before asking What about my son?Denephew The doctor replied.