I havent sold one tractor all month, a tractor salesman tells his friend.

Thats nothing compared to my problem, his buddy replies. I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and Ill tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, Ill buy a tractor off ya.

Bob was driving home after a day at the construction site; over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph.

Wouldnt you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.

The cop walked up to the window and said, You know how fast you were going BOY? Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, Thats speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!

The cop took a good look at the young bob and said, You dont even look like you have a job! Why Ive never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!

Bob said, Ive got a job! I have a good, well paying job!

The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, What kind of a job would a bum like you have?

Im a cunt stretcher, replied Bob.

What you say, BOY?!! asked the patrolman. A cunt stretcher.

Of course the cop asked, Whats a cunt stretcher do?

Bob explained, Girls call me up and say they want to be stretched so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until its six feet across.

The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, What the hell do you do with a six foot cunt?

Bob nonchalantly commented, You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

Im an attorney, the wincing man said, and this is going to cost you $5000.

Im sorry, Im really sorry, the concerned golfer replied. But I did yell fore.

Ill take it, the attorney said.

Justin Turner, representing Elite & Premier Ltd, outlining his clients case for an injunction said, The agency represents many models who are household names such as Claudia Schiffer, Naomi Cambell and Linda Evangelista. I dont know if your Lordship is familiar with these models?

Do I need to be?

replied the judge.

I dont think so, said Mr. Turner, perhaps wisely. Mr Justice Harman was perplexed by the use of the word topless in discussing glamour modelling.

It means precisely the opposite, he was told. This misuse of the word is, the judge said, is remarkable – as if they had been cut off at the waist which is exactly what they do not mean.

If you cut the top off, it wouldnt be very interesting – whats more they would be dead. Its clearly an abuse of language by the tabloids, he said. Peter Victor, The Independent, Friday Nov 15th 1996

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, Youre really doing great, arent you?

The man replied, Just doing what you said Doctor, Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.

The Doctor said, I didnt say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said Dont you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?

I said I didnt know there were any witnesses!

Now Ill have to kill you too.

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.

When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said,Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!

This Jewish father wants to send his kid to school, but is not sure where to send him to. Finally he just looks at the brochure from Catholic school and thinks that since its priced reasonable and sounds like a nice place all together, hell try him over there.

His kid goes to school the first semester and comes home with a report card.

His father takes a look, turns to his son and says: -A plus in math??? How in the hell did you pull that off since thats your worse subject?

Well father, the first day I walked into my math class and saw a guy hanging on a wall nailed to the plus sign – I knew they werent mucking around!

I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in the United States each year.

All these years Ive been eating them raw.

An Australian goes to buy a condom at a nearby chemist.

The lady behind the counter gives a choice of three types. German, French, and Australian.

Whats the difference, he asks?

Well, the Germans are quite active. They have 7 in the pack. One for Monday, one for Tuesday, and so on. The French are very passionate people. They have 8. One for Monday, and so on, and 2 on Sundays. The Australians, well, they have 12.

At this, the Australian swells up with pride, Really 12?

Yes, 12. One for January, one for February….