A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunks shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, Father, what causes arthritis?

Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man, the priest replied.

Imagine that, the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: Im sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

I dont have arthritis, Father, the drunk said, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does!

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesnt behave.

6. If the shoe fits…its expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out fo the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent…sometimes.

There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day. One morning as he looked into the mirror to admire his body he noticed that he was suntanned all over, with one exception, his penis, which he really decided to do something about. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other old lady, There really is no justice in the world!

The other little old lady said, What do you mean by that?

The first old lady said, Look at that.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that Im 80, the damn things are growing wild and Im to old to squat

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnnys father said, Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.

The father said, Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

The boy said, Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if Ill get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he cant find the rake. He yells up to his wife, Where is the rake?

She cant hear him and shouts back, What?

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife not sure and says, What? The man repeats his gestures.

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, What in the friggin hell was that?

She replies, EYE–LEFT TIT — BEHIND — THE BUSH!

A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went to the local brothel and demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the house.

Thatll be Mary, said the madam. Go to Room Four, and Ill send her up.

Fine, said the lumberjack, and tell her to bring a couple of beers.

In due time, Mary appeared. She put the two bottles of beer on the floor, took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her pussy.

No! No! exclaimed the lumberjack. In the bed, the old-fashioned way!

Sure, pal, grunted Mary, but I thought ya might want to open them beers first.

Worms
A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class.

He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following.

He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the bottom and wriggled about.

He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl alcohol and it immediately shrivelled up and died.

He asked the class if anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them.

A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said: Youre showing us that if you drink alcohol, you wont have worms.

18 things not to say to your pregnant wife.

1. I finished the Oreos.

2. Not to imply anything, but I dont think the kid weighs 40 pounds.

3. Yknow, to look at her, youd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!

4. I hope your thighs arent gonna stay that flabby forever!

5. Darned if you arent five pounds away from a surprise visit from Richard Simmons.

6. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, thats gotta hurt.

7. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!

8. Im so jealous! Why cant men experience the joy of childbirth?

9. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

10. Get your *own* ice cream.

11. Geez, you look awfully puffy today.

12. Got milk?

13. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Theresa?

14. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!

15. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…

16. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt!

17. Well, cant they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!

18. You dont have the guts to pull that trigger…

They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.

She said to the bellman, We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.

But, madam!, replied the bellman.

Dont But madam me, she continued. You cant treat us like were a couple of fools just because we dont travel much, and weve never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. Im going to complain to the manager.

Madam, the bellman said, this isnt your room; this is the elevator!

*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f…… manual) to show that theyre hip to the lingo. Make up your own that dont stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for (You dont know? RDFM).

*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DONT USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOURE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!

*When replying to your mail, correct everyones grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but dont otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your creative criticism, do it again. Continue until they go away.

*Software and files offered on-line are often compressed so that it wont take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like Thanks.

*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like SexyHouseWives, then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each uploads popularity.

*cc: all your E-mail to (vice.president@whitehouse.gov ) so that he can keep track of whats happening on the information Superhighway Internet.

*Join a discussion group, and tie whatevers being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if youre in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.