A man is at his laywers funeral and and is suprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. “Why are you all at this mans funeral?”
A man turns towards him and says, “Were all clients.”
“And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.”
“No, we came to make sure he was dead.”

Disorder in the Court: a Collection of Transquips
Collected by Richard Lederer, reprinted in N.H. Business Review

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with
language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of
courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every
statement made during the proceedings.

Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand
Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers
in two books – Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court,
published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilmans two volumes, here
are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by Americas keepers
of the word:

Q. What is your brother-in-laws name?

A. Borofkin.

Q. Whats his first name?

A. I cant remember.

Q. Hes been your brother-in-law for years, and you cant remember
his first name?

A. No. I tell you Im too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for Gods sake, tell them
your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A. By death.

Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?

A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?

A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?

A. No, Im divorced.

Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A. A lot of things I didnt know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?

A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?

A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by
Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?

A. I will be three months November 8th.

Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?

A. Yes.

Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?

A. I should be.

Q. How many times have you committed suicide?

A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?

A. Yes, sir.

Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?

A. Because he was argumentary and he couldnt pronunciate his words.

Q. What happened then?

A. He told me, he says, I have to kill you because you can
identify me.

Q. Did he kill you?

A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

A. No.

Q. What was he doing with the dogs ears?

A. Picking them up in the air.

Q. Where was the dog at this time?

A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not
to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she,
with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Before we recess, lets listen to one last exchange involving a child:

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What
school do you go to?

A. Oral.

Q. How old are you?

A. Oral.

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! Ive got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that Im a dog. Its crazy. I dont know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "Im not allowed up on the furniture."

Doctors son: Hello, old man. Whats the matter? Youre looking glum.

Doctor: No wonder. Im attending that wealthy Mr Golddig, you know, and Ive sent him the wrong medicine.

Son: Indeed! Is it a serious blunder?

Doctor: Very, very serious. The medicine Ive sent him will cure him in two days.

A young girl was having a tooth pulled and the dentist tells her the usual B.S. This wont hurt at all routine before bending over her with the pliers in his hand. He instantly drops the pliers in total panic. Miss, he said in a weak whimper, Your grabbing my groin! Yes Doctor, I know she smiled, and we arent going to hurt each other, are we?

Maybe its true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

Youre getting old when you dont care where your spouse goes, just as long as you dont have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isnt that the darnedest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know youre getting on in years when the women at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, hes too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends and have begun to grow in the middle.

Of course Im against sin; Im against anything that Im too old to enjoy.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know youre into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, getting a little action means I dont need to take a laxative.

Dont worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

Youre getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

Youre getting old when youre sitting in a rocker and you cant get it started.

Youre getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent and you dont know till the 4th of July.

Youre getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didnt do anything the night before.

The cardiologists diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

Its hard to be nostalgic when you cant remember anything.

Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But Im not allowed up on the couch!

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! Whats WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there aint nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

A physician passed away and was being screened for the destination of his souls eternal afterlife. Unfortunately hed been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasnt quite certain what to expect. Upon his arrival at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds, he may find the choices rather hellish. Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease, and other maladies too terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch. With trepidation he opened door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed excitedly back to Saint Peter and proclaimed, Ill take door #3! Oh, no, Im afraid thats not possible, exclaimed Saint Peter. Thats NURSES Hell!

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem
with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didnt
even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to
seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family
doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20
minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office,
leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked
her how he could help.

Doctor, she said, I have a very bad gas problem. A gas
problem? replied the doctor. Yes. Yesterday afternoon I had
lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er,
ahhh… silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the
governor and his wife and had <blush> four silent gas emissions.
Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas
emissions! Doctor, youve got to help me! What can we do?

Well, said the doctor thoughtfully, I think the first thing
were going to do is give you a hearing test.