This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! Whats WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

A man goes into the doctors office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says I have some bad news. You have HAGS. What is HAGS the man asks.

Its herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis says the doctor.

Oh my God says the man. What are you going to do?

We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.

Is that going to help me says the man.

No says the doctor. But its the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door

Its a very cold winters night, so three homeless guys huddle up close to stay warm.

When they wake up in the morning, the guy on the left says, I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick all night.

The guy on the right says, I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick too.

The guy in the middle says, I had a dream I went skiing.

Morris walks into Dr. Cohens office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, I cant talk, please help me!

The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, Put your penis on the table here. Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so does as he says. The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris penis with it as hard as he can.

The man cries in great agony, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Then the doctor says, Good, come again tomorrow and well learn B!

A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking, and athletic; but the fourth and the youngest is an ugly runt.

Darling wife, The husband whispers, assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if…

The wife gently interrupts him. Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mothers grave that you are his father.

The man dies, happy.

The wife mutters under her breath: Thank God he didnt ask me about the other three!

Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one. Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.

Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, There is another on the way, so call back later.

At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.

Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: The score is ninety-six all out, says the voice, and the last one was a duck.

Woman: I have a problem. Doctor: Well, are you regular? Woman: Yes I am. Every day I do a number one at 7:30 in the morning and a number two at 8:30. Doctor: So, whats the problem? Woman: I dont get up untill 9:30.

A womans garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes wont ripen. Theres a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and shes getting tired of it.So she goes to her neighbor and says,Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?

Her neighbor replies,Well, it may sound absurd but heres what to do. Tonight theres no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and theyll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning theyll all be red, youll see.

She says Well, what the heck it cant hurt to try it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

So-so, she answers. The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.

Mother:
How is your history paper coming along, dear?

Daughter:
Well, my history professor suggested that I use the
Internet for research and its been very helpful.

Mother:
Really?

Daughter:
Yes, and so far Ive located 17 people who sell them!

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things. Well, the doctor replied, go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesnt reply move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that well get an idea about the severity of her deafness.

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, Honey, whats for dinner? He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, Honey, whats for dinner? She replies, For the fourth time, vegetable stew!