A man went to the doctor for his yearly physical, and afterwards the doctor sat him down and told him he needed to talk. He said I have bad news, and worse news – which one do you want to hear first?The patient says Well I guess give me the bad news first…Doctor replies, Youve got AIDS.Oh, no! What could be worse than that? asks the patient.Youve also got Alzheimers Disease.Looking relieved, the patient sits for a minute then says, Oh…Well, thats not so bad. At least I dont have AIDS.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that youve forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son — the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I cant remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, Where am I, Cathy?
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your ttorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

An elderly woman went into the doctors office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, Id like to have some birth control pills.

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, Excuse me, Mrs. Santos, but youre 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?

The woman responded, They help me sleep better.

The doctor thought some more and continued, How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?

The woman said, I put them in my granddaughters orange juice and I sleep better at night.

A man staggers into the Doctors surgery and gasps: Doctor, help me! Everywhere I look I see talking mice, talking dogs, and even a talking duck! Whats wrong with me?

Doctor says reassuringly: Dont worry, youre just having Disney spells…

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Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
Stolen Painting Found by Tree.
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies.
Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years.
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Drunken Drivers Paid $1000.
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge.
Deer Kill 17,000.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge.
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy.
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire.
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply.
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood.
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees.
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies.
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing.
Air Head Fired.
Steals Clock, Faces Time.
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff.
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni.
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board.
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction.
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training.
Include your Children when Baking Cookies.

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesnt know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, I have to kill you because you can identify me.
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: Thats me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: Ill be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You dont know what it was, and you didnt know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, Your Honor, Id like to strike the next question.

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Marys Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It is physically impossible! she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.

To this, the teacher said, What if Jonah went to hell?

The little girl replied, Then YOU ask him!

One day grandpa says to grandma Why dont we go to the motel like we used to do when we were young and get kinky?

So they get to the motel and go into the room.

Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up. In the meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed. She decides to do some leg stretches to limber up ( its been awhile ). Well she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard.

Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her that way. My God woman he says you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!

Appearing on Dennis Millers show, Red Buttons announced he was 80 years old, but that 80 is not old. He explained:

Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and youre barefooted.
Old is when your Doctor doesnt give you x-rays anymore, but just holds you up to the light.
Old is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
Old is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
Old is when your wife says lets go upstairs and make Love and you answer Honey, I cant do both

And he adds…

Sure Ive gotten old. Ive had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, and fought prostate cancer and diabetes. Im half blind, cant hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, cant remember if Im 85 or 92, but … THANK GOD, I STILL HAVE MY FLORIDA DRIVERS LICENSE.

1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an unauthorized experimental procedure
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of War and Peace
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
10. Take two leeches and call me in the morning
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrows doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15. Pre-natal vitamin prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctors office include, take a left when you enter the trailer park
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is an apple a day.
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only group gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say Walk it off, you sissy.
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.