There was a Japanese person, a Mexican, and an American standing over a
bridge. They came to throw something over the bridge that they had too
much of.

The Japanese man threw over some rice. The Mexican threw over
some beans. The American threw over the Mexican.

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, Wah… so expensive!

There upon, the driver yelled back, Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!

What do you call a white man with a black man?

– A lawyer.

What do you call a white man with three black men?

– A victim.

What do you call a white man with five black men?

– A coach.

What do you call a white man with two hundred black men?

– A warden.

What do you call a white man surrounded by 30,000 black men?

– Postmaster General.

What do a moped and a fat lady have in common?

They are both fun to drive, and you wouldnt want your friends to see you
on one.

After confirming everyones names on the roll, thank the class for
attending Advanced Astrodynamics 690 and mention that yesterday was the
last day to drop.

Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student
and scream YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a
question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, The Professor cant hear
you, youll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy.

If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them
your piece of chalk, and ask, Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.
Smartypants?

Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses
with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering
tsk, tsk.

Ask students to call you Tinkerbell or Surfin Bird.

Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether
your butt looks fat.

Play Kumbaya on the banjo.

Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.
Giggle throughout it.

Announce youll need this, and write the suicide prevention hotline
number on the board.

Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Browns Sex Machine.

Ask occasional questions, but mutter as if you gibbering simps would
know and move on before anyone can answer.

Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by
the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as
you pace back and forth.

Address students as worm.

Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing
spirituals.

Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver
as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each students name,
rank, and serial number.

Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce
that the lectures over when the bottles done.

Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a
question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for
several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and
proceed normally.

Wear a virtual reality helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a
question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

Mention in passing that youre wearing rubber underwear.

Growl constantly and address students as matey.

Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and
ask students to sit back and groove.

Announce that last years students have almost finished their class
projects.

Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and code all
their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class hes named Boogers McGee
and is your mascot. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the
dog and ask it, Whatll be, McGee?

Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you Snuggles.

Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11
number system. Use a complicated symbol youve named after yourself in
place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who dont use it.

Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
intervals.

Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching
assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

Give an opening monologue. Take two minute commercial breaks every ten
minutes.

Tell students that youll fail them if they cheat on exams or fake the funk.

Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver
them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required
reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia,
for next class.

Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize
their choices and make notes in your grade book.

Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep
their distance for their own safety and mutter something about that bug I
picked up in the field.

Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, Are you pumped?
ARE YOU PUMPED? I CANT HEEEEEEAR YOU!

What do get when you cross a Black with a Sioux Indian?

A boy named Sue.

There was a Scotsman and was horny as hell and he saw this dog next to a lake, so he tries to screw it, but it squirms and moves. During all of this, he sees something in the water and goes to check it out, and it turns out to be a hot British blonde who is drowning. He saves her, and after she regains consciousness, she says, Thank you for saving me. Ill do anything for you, anything… (rubbing her butt naked chest) And I mean ANYTHING!

The Scotsman thinks for a minute, and replies, Ok. Can ya hold this dog still for a minute so I can screw it?

jokes

Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a mans penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a mans penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the US study were incorrect. After three years of research and costs in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a mans penis is larger than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the German study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt trust the US or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research at a cost of around $75, the Aussie study reached a conclusion.

They came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a mans penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

A Russian and a Pollack get into a car accident. They are yelling at each
other saying that it was the other guys fault. Finally the Pollack says:

Your right its my fault. go ahead and call the police and just get it over with.
The Russian says:
No, im going to do what we do in my country.
The Pollack says:
Well what is that?
The Russian says:
Well you have to sit in a circle and not get out of it no matter what happens.
The pollack says:
Ok ill do it.

So the pollack goes and sits in a circle in the middle of the road, the
Russian pulls out a pocket knife and slashes the guys tires. He turned
around and saw that the Pollack was laughing, and that made him mad, so he
got out his crowbar and smashed all the guys windows. He turned around and
the guy was laughing even harder. This made him even madder so he took out
a can of gas and torched the guys car, when he turned around the Pollack
was rolling around on the ground clutching his stomach and laughing so hard
that there were tears in his eyes. The Russian ran up to him a said:

Why are you laughing?
The Pollack said:
Because when you turned around I stepped out of the circle.

Two [ethnic] people went hunting in the woods and got terribly
lost.
The first [ethnic] said, hey, I know what to do, the international
sign for SOS is three shots in the air.

so he tried it.

They waited, nothing happened. he tried again.

They waited for two hours, extremely hungry tired and
desparate, the two [ethnic] people began to believe their lives were
lost forever. Finally the first [ethnic] person looked at the second
[ethnic] person and said, Well this is our last and only hope left, we
only have three arrows left.