An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are all boasting to each other about
presents they have bought their wives for their birthdays.

The Englishman says Ive bought my wife a 24-carot gold ring and a
glove.

Why have you got her a glove? the other two ask.

Because when she wears the ring in public, I want her to wear the glove
so no-one can nick it off her finger he replies.

The Scotsman is not impressed and proudly braggs Ive got my wife a
diamond necklace and a scarf.
The other two, slightly confused, ask Whats the scarf for?
So that when she wears it in crowded places, she can put the scarf around
her neck to prevent it being snatched the Scotsman replies.

The Englishman and Scotsman, both feeling proud at their gifts, were keen
to hear
what the Irishman had bought his wife and invited him to tell them.
Well, I got her a pair of shoes and a vibrator he says.

The others, slightly taken aback, ask him why he bought the vibrator, to
which he
replies Cos if she doesnt like the shoes she can go screw herself!

Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern.
To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said Mike, Ill be havin three
whiskeys.

Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. Now, Timothy, its not
the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. Its celebratin, you
are.

Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and Im
celebrating me first blow job.

Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar. Now,
thats special, he said. For an old customer like yrself, heres a
fourth on the house, so I may be sharin your celebration with you.

Shandy shook his head, and replied Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal,
but Im thinkin if three wont get rid of the taste, four wont either.

What do you call a Jewish American Princesss waterbed?

The Dead Sea

A man walking along the beach finds a magic lamp with a genie. The genie promises to grant him whatever wish he wants.
"Okay," says the man, "I would like a highway across the oceans."
"Hrm," says the genie. "Is there anyway you could wish for something smaller?"
"How bout three Polish women with IQs over 90?"
"How many lanes do you want for your highway?"

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well he explained By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself Ill go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. Well he explained By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself Ill go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. Well he explained, by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying –


Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…….

Why dont Puerto Ricans like blow jobs?

They are afraid it will interfere with their unemployment benefits.

Actually, God made Adam white because He Himself is white. Heres the proof:…

To Moses he said I am what I am.

If He were black, Hed have said I be what I be.

Why did the Italian boy want to grow a mustache? So he could look like his mama.

Did you hear about the [ethnic] lady who was called upon to use her
diaphragm so often she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed?

Q: Whats cannibalism?

A: Germans eating pork …

Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?

A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

Q: Why cant a german get AIDS?

A: He has no friends.