Coors put its slogan, Turn it loose, into Spanish, where it was read as Suffer from diarrhea.

Clairol introduced the Mist Stick, a curling iron, into German only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, Salem-Feeling Free, was translated into the Japanese market as When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of whats inside, since most people cant read English.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Popes visit. Instead of I saw the Pope (el Papa), the shirts read I saw the potato (la papa).

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Pepsis Come alive with the Pepsi Generation translated into Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave, in Chinese.

Frank Perdues chicken slogan, it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken was translated into Spanish as it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, it wont leak in your pocket and embarrass you. Instead, the company thought that the word embarazar (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,

Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which Id accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wifes father died and left us two million dollars.

Institutions of higher learning and/or research:

Auburn University.
Brown University.
Chrome Yellow University.
Neon Pink University.
Kelly Green University Fading to Chartreuse Around the Edges.

Northern Illinois University.
Southern Illinois University.
Eastern Illinois University.
Western Illinois University.
Northeastern Illinois University.
Northwestern Illinois University.
Southeastern Illinois University.
Southwestern Illinois University.
North-by-Northwestern Illinois University.
Almost Central But Just Slightly Eastern Illinois University.

Yale University.
Cole University.
Weiser University.
Kwikset University.

Harvey Mudd College.
Roger Mudd College.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd College.
My Name Is Mudd College.

Kings College.
Queens College.
Jacks College (formerly Knaves College).
Tens College.
Aces College.

Texas A&I University.
Texas A&M University.
North Carolina A&T University.
Tennessee C&W University.
Michigan R&B University.
New Jersey M&M University.
San Francisco S&M University.

University of Maryland Institute for Advanced Computer Science.
University of Northern Saskatchewan Institute for Primitive Computer Science.
Charles Babbage Institute for Mechanical Computer Science.

Governors State University.
Lieutenant-Governors State University.
Secretaries of State State University.
State Comptrollers State University.

University of Tennessee Space Institute.
University of Southwestern Arkansas Cosmic Realms Institute.
Elroy Jetson Space Magic Institute.

Lawrence Livermore National Labs.
Lawrence Berkeley National Labs.
Lawrence Olivier National Labs.
Lawrence of Arabia National Labs.
Lawrence Welk National Labs.

Argonne National Labs. *
Kryptonne National Labs.
Xenonne National Labs.
Radonne National Labs.

Concordia University.
Discordia University.
Misericordia University.

University of Wisconsin – Madison.
University of Wisconsin – Milwaukee.
University of Wisconsin – River Falls.
University of Wisconsin – Stout.
University of Wisconsin – Porter.
University of Wisconsin – Malt Liquor.
University of Wisconsin – Night Train.
University of Wisconsin – Everclear.

Purdue University.
Louis Rich University.
Hormel University.
Oscar Mayer University.

Drexel University.
Ethan Allen University.
Seidel University.
La-Z-Boy University.

George Washington University.
James Madison University.
Chester A. Arthur University.
Millard Fillmore University.
Spiro T. Agnew University.
J. Danforth Quayle University.

McMaster University.
McSlave University.
McTop University.
McBottom University.

Ball State University.
Prick State University.
Twat State University.
Asshole State University.

Wright State University.
Wrong State University.
Altered State University.
Uncertain State University.
Out of State University.

McGill University.
McScale University.
McFin University.
McTail University.
McOperculum University.

McNeese State University.
McNeffew State University.
McAuntt State University.
McUnccle State University.

Seton Hall University.
Seton Vestibule University.
Seton Bathroom University.
Seton Bedroom University.

Sam Houston State University.
Sam Walton State University.
Sam I Am State University.
Son of Sam State University. *

South Dakota School of Mines and Technology.
Colorado School of Mines.
Wyoming School of Ditches.
Montana School of Holes in the Ground.

BU.
BYU.
NYU.
BYOB.

Clemson University.
Jebson University.
Abnerson University.
DaisyMaeson University.

Clarkson University.
Loisson University.
Jimmyson University.

Stephen F. Austin State University.
Steve Austin State University.
Bionic Woman State University.

Tufts University.
Locks University.
Bald Spot University.
Underarm Hair University.
Pubic Hair University.

Tulane University.
Forlane University.
Atelane University.

Baruch College.
The Weizmann Institute.
Hofstra University.
Brandeis University.
Carasso University.

Emory University.
Nail Clippor University.
Polish Removor University.

Fordham University.
Chryslerporkshoulder University.
Generalmotorspigsfeet University.

Universite de Montreal.
Universite Laval.
Universite Trudeau.
Universite Mulroney.

University of Central Florida.
University of EPCOT Center.
University of Disney World.
University of Busch Gardens–The Dark Continent.

Bowie State University.
Butcher State University.
Ginsu State University.
Swiss Army State University.

Angelo State University.
Giuseppe State University.
Mario State University.
Cosa Nostra State University.

Mitsubishi Information Technology Labs.
NEC Research Institute.
Nintendo Super Mario Brothers ™ Advanced Technology Research Center.

Florida Atlantic University.
Florida Pacific University.
Florida Indian University.
Florida Arctic University.

Carnegie Mellon University.
Carnegie Cucummber University.
Carnegie Zucchinni University.

College of William and Mary.
College of Bonnie and Clyde.
College of George and Gracie.
College of Frankie and Johnny.
College of Jimmy and Rosalyn.
College of Ronnie and Nancy.
College of Andy and Fergie.

Cornell University.
Wheatell University.
Barleyell University.
Buckwheatell University.

Dartmouth University.
Dartnostril University.
Dartrectum University.

Duke University.
Viscount University.
Baronet University.
Knight University.
Commoner University.

Ferris State University.
Roller Coaster State University.

Florida International University.
Florida National University.
Florida State University.
Florida County University.
Florida Local University.
Florida Neighborhood University.
Florida Backyard University.
Florida Garage University.

Grand Valley State University.
Small Valley State University.
Piffling Little Valley State University.
Large Flood Plain State University.

Hunter College.
Fisherman College.
Camper College.
Backpacker College.

Lehigh University.
Lelow University.
Leinbetween University.

Colgate University.
Crest University.
Gleem University.
Close-Up University.
Pearl Drops Tooth Polish University.

Nova University.
Duster University.
Pinto University.
Super Beetle University.

Old Dominion University.
New Dominion University.
Dominions, Principalities, and Powers University.
Mark-Jason Dominionus University.

IBM T. J. Watson Research Center.
IBM T. J. Hooker Research Center.
IBM J. T. Kirk Research Center.
IBM Stupid Roles Played by William Shatner Research Center.

Southern Methodist University.
Southern Baptist University.
Primitive Baptist University.
Holy Roller University.

Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Daisy-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Delphinium-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Chrysanthemum-Hulman Institute of Technology.

Oklahoma Panhandle State University.
Oklahoma Hitchhike State University.
Oklahoma Drink Night Train and Eat Out of Dumpsters State University.

Our Lady of the Angels College.
Our Lady of the Elms College.
Our Lady of the Night College.

Prentiss Normal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Interior Decoration Institute.

Grinnell College.
Smilell College.
Smirkell College.

Dalhousie University.
Sandboxie University.
Playgroundequipmentie University.

Simon Fraser University.
Simon Magus University.
Simon Templar University.
Simon Legree University.

Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Dominican College.
Illinois Trappist College.
Illinois Carthusian College.

Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Benedictine and Brandy College.
Illinois Drambuie College.
Illinois Grand Marnier College.

Kent State University.
Winston State University.
Marlboro State University.
Camel Wides State University.

College of Wooster.
College of Jeeves.
College of Pinker.
College of Fink-Nottle.

Villanova University.
Bossa Nova University.
Chevy Nova University.

Slippery Rock State College.
Crocodile Rock State College.
Jailhouse Rock State College.
Rock Around the Clock State College.
Go Crawl Under a Rock State College.

Smith College.
Jones College.
John Doe College.
John Q. Public College.

Sarah Lawrence College.
Sarah Bernhardt College.
Sarah Jane Smith College.
Sara Lee College.

Holy Apostles College.
Holy Names College.
Holy Family College.
Holy Toledo College.
Holy Hamburgers, Batman! College.

Sweet Briar College.
Sweet and Sour Briar College.
Twice Cooked Briar College.
Szechwan Briar With Hot Bean Curd and Crispy Noodles College.

Grambling State University.
Smroking State University.
Drrinking State University.
Whroring State University.

Creighton University.
Cardboard Bachson University.
Shipping Contaigneron University.
Mailing Tyoobon University.

Worcester Polytechnic Institute.
Teriyaki Polytechnic Institute.
Soy Polytechnic Institute.
A-1 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Heinz 57 Steak Polytechnic Institute.

Case Western Reserve University.
Case Eastern Loquacity University.
Case Southern Charm University.
Case Midwestern Folksiness University.

Tuskegee Institute.
Hornegee Institute.
Antleregee Institute.

Oberlin College.
Oberkellner College.
Oberkommando College.
Oberbuergermeister College.

Millikin University.
Rutherferd University.
Schroedingor University.
Einsteen University.

Bowling Green State University.
Bowling Alley State University.
Bowling Pin State University.
Bowling Jacket State University.
Bowling Shoes State University.
Bowling Trophy State University.

Bob Jones University.
Bob Hope University.
Bob Barker University.
Bob Newhart University.
Bob Evans Restaurant University.
J. R. Bob Dobbs University.

Open Bible College.
Closed Bible College.
Open Just a Crack Bible College.
Open Weekdays Nine To Five Bible College.

Moody Bible Institute.
Pensive Bible Institute.
Peevish Bible Institute.
Depressed Bible Institute.
Paranoid Schizophrenic Bible Institute.
Stark Raving Mad Bible Institute on Antipsychotic Drugs.

Liberty Baptist College.
Equality Baptist College.
Fraternity Baptist College.
French Revolutionary Baptist College.

* suggested by ajd@itl.itd.umich.edu (Arthur J. Delano); used with permission

Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe.

So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some help-me type faxes.

A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: As your neighbours, we are deeply touched you requested our help, etc. etc, but we have no idea at all how to do it.

The German fax read: We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it.

The Polish fax read: As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation. We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually.

So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane.

Two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth.The Jewish men are dumbfounded. My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish? they both think.After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?The owner looks around and leans in so no-one else will hear and says, Shhhh. He thinks were teaching him English.

On a California freeway:

Fine for Littering

In the window of an Atlanta clothing store:

Sids Pants is Open

On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service:

Able to Do the Worst Possible Job

In a New York jewelry store:

Genuine Faux Pearls

In a Kansas City oculists office:

Broken lenses duplicated here

In a Boston fast-food parking lot:

Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only

Billboard on Florida highway:

If You Cant Read, We Can Help

On the Triborough Bridge in New York:

In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge

On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart:

Were out of Rolaids, but weve got gas.

At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA:

Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended

On a Rapid City store:

Give That Bride a Good Case of Worms or Other Fine Bait

On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant:

The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur

In a Grand Rapids restaurant:

Half baked chicken

In a Dayton barbershop:

During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here

On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore:

Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books

On a construction office in England:

We Specialize in Quick Erections

On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honoring Robert Frost:

Frost Free Library

Once a Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman were sentenced to be whipped 100 times. They had the option to make it less painful by putting anything they wanted on their backs. The Frenchman, knowing alchohol eases pain, asked to have French beer on his back. The Englishman did they same with English beer. But the Irishman asked to put the Frenchman on his back!

A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. You dont have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her youre the boss.The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldnt wait to try the doctors advice! He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wifes face, and growled, From now on, youre taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, Im going out with the boys and youre going to stay home where you belong. And another thing…you know whos going to comb my hair, iron my pants, polish my shoes and tie my tie?I certainly do, said his wife calmly, The undertaker.

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job."Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her. The blonde woman didnt see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best.She came back sweating like a pig. Christ, how many trees did you cut down? asked the foreman.6 she replied.What!? You have to do beter than that. Get up earlier tommorow. The foreman said. So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.How many this time? asked the foreman.12 she said.The foreman says, That does it. Im coming out there with you tommorow morning.
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, This is how to cut down trees really quickly. He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically. So he asks her whats wrong. She replies, What the hell is that?

An Irishman named OMalley went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor sighed and looked OMalley in the eye and said, Ive some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it cant be cured. Youd best put your affairs in order.
OMalley was shocked…. but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctors office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting.
Well, Son, OMalley said, We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things dont go well. In this case, things arent so well…. I have cancer. Lets head to the pub and have a few pints.
After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of OMalleys friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.OMalley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends,
I have been diagnosed with AIDS.
The friends gave OMalley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.
After the friends left, OMalleys son leaned over and whispered his confusion. Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer…. but you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!OMalley said, I dont want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone.