An Australian goes to buy a condom at a nearby chemist.

The lady behind the counter gives a choice of three types. German, French, and Australian.

Whats the difference, he asks?

Well, the Germans are quite active. They have 7 in the pack. One for Monday, one for Tuesday, and so on. The French are very passionate people. They have 8. One for Monday, and so on, and 2 on Sundays. The Australians, well, they have 12.

At this, the Australian swells up with pride, Really 12?

Yes, 12. One for January, one for February…

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux. The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means bite the wax tadpole or female horse stuffed with wax depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, ko-kou-ko-le, which can be loosely translated as happiness in the mouth. In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan Come alive with the Pepsi Generation came out as Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead. Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan finger-lickin good came out as eat your fingers off. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, Salem – Feeling Free, got translated in the Japanese market into When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty. When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that no va means it wont go. After the company figured out why it wasnt selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe. Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for tiny male genitals. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse. When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say It wont leak in your pocket and embarrass you. However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word embarazar meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant. An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Popes visit. Instead of the desired I Saw the Pope in Spanish,

The American tourist got the shock of his life when a Mexican
with a 6 shooter jumped out from behind a cactus.

Take my money, my car but dont kill me, said the tourist.

I no kill you if you do what I say, said the Mexican.

Just unzip your pants and start masturbating, he ordered.

Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. Right, now
do it again said the Mexican.

The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managed
again.

And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead.

With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effort
and fell exhausted.

Good said the Mexican, now you give my sister a ride to the
next village.

Three young Irish candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: the Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each mans penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.

*Ting-a-ling* Oh, Patrick, says the Monsignor, I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go now and take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness.



The candidate leaves.



The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling*



Joseph, Joseph, sighs the Monsignor. You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness.



The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally,exhausted, she quits.



Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you, says the Monsignor. Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers.



*Ting-a-ling*

How do you babysit a black kid?

Wet his lips and stick them to the wall

How do you get them down?

Invite a couple of Mexican kids over and tell them its a pinata party.

A group of Aussie gangsters are sitting around deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing a bank.

After a lot of thought, they all agree on the way to go about it.

In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and embark on their plans to get rich.

Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately.

The robbers, expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables, are more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.

The first safes combination is cracked and inside the robbers find only a bowl of vanilla pudding.

Well, says one robber to another, at least we get a bit to eat.

They open up the second safe and it also contains nothing but vanilla pudding and the process continues until all the safes are opened and there is not one dollar, a diamond, or an ounce of gold to be found.

Instead, all the safes contain containers of pudding.

Disappointed, each of the mobsters makes a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.

The following morning, a Sydney newspaper headline reads, Australias largest sperm bank robbed early this morning.

A man, selling human brains, has the rates displayed on board : Indian Brain : $100 /LB Chinese Brain : $200 /LB American Brain : $400/LB Sardar Brain : $800 /LB

A puzzled passer asks him : How come the Surd brain is so expensive and Indian brain so cheap ? The man replies : Its simple, we need to kill one Indian for one pound of brain, 8 sardars for the same amount and so on…

1. A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

2. IRISH WOMAN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

3. ITALIAN WOMAN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

4. JEWISH WOMAN:

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her youll marry her and never get head again.

5. POLISH WOMAN:

First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isnt home.
She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: Shes pregnant. Shes not sure if its hers.

6. CHINESE WOMAN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You dont even get to the third date and you have already realized
nothing is going to happen.

7. INDIAN WOMAN:

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

8. BLACK WOMAN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: Shes pregnant by someone other than you.

9. LATIN WOMAN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite,
have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sisters boyfriend
and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because somebody shot the only one who had a dream.

There were two good friends (roommates, actually) at a University. One of them was a Chinese and the other was a Jew.

One day they went drinking and had a little too much. Upon staggering back home, they got into some stupid mindless argument. One thing led to another and suddenly the Jewish guy was pummeling the Chinese. Finally, exhausted, the Jewish guy stopped.

The Chinese, black eyes and all, opened one eye with some effort and asked him, Why did you beat me?

The Jewish guy replied, That was for Pearl Harbour.

But they were Japanese, … exclaimed the Chinese.

Japanese, Chinese, all the same thing, replied the Jewish guy.

Some time went by. Again they went drinking and had a little too much. Once again there was the crazy mindless argument. They broke into a fight as soon as they reached home. This time the Chinese guy had the upper hand and almost did the Jewish guy in.

Finally, winded, the Chinese guy has to stop. The Jewish guy opens one eye and asks, What was that in aid of?

The Chinese guy replies, That was for the Titanic.

Incredulous, the Jewish guy says, But the Titanic was downed by an iceberg!

The Chinese guy replies, Iceberg, Goldberg, all the same thing …