Poze din categoria ‘Ethnic’ Category

During World War I, a

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During World War I, a German soldier on the eastern front expressed

his absolute certainty of victory. Franz, he said, we Germans are
pious people who pray to God on the eve of each battle. How can we
lose?
Franz said, I know that, Dietrich, but the Russians are pious,
too. They pray to God before each battle also.
Dietrich said, Of course. But who understands Russian?

In 1890, the Irish invented

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In 1890, the Irish invented the toilet.

In 1891, the English invented the hole into it.

how many [ethnics] does it

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how many [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dont know. I havnt find one that could do it yet.

Goofs conclusion

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FOREIGN GOOFS

Bite the wax tadpole.
– Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
– ad slogan Pepsi Comes Alive as originally translated into Chinese

I am a jelly doughnut
– English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

We pray for MacArthurs erection.
– sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
– from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.
– Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

MISCELLANEOUS

Im not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that.
– Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States.
– Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

Retraction: The Greek Special is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an add. Blondies Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Fridays ad may have caused.
– correction printed in The Daily Californian

Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! Its rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!
– Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?
– announcer of childrens radio show Life With Mother to her audience

They X-Rayed my head and found nothing.
– Jerome Dizzy Dean

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history … this centurys history … We all lived in this century. I didnt live in this century.
– Dan Quayle

Whats so good about an

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Whats so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?

– You know shell swallow.

Why do Italian tanks have

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Why do Italian tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can watch the battle.

Britney Spears vs. Computer

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How is a computer like Britney Spears?Theyre both cheap, white, and plastic.

thanksgiving

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Where do black people go for thanksgiving? Nowhere, KFC is closed.

My Way vs. Marthas Way

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Marthas way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Petes sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Marthas way: Use a meat baster to squeeze your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and youll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Marthas way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Marthas way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, arent you going to take the shells off anyway?

Marthas way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Marthas way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat at Chilis every night and avoid cooking.

Marthas way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there wont be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there wont be any leftovers.

Marthas way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there wont be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. Theyll even decorate it for you.

Marthas way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while its still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix me up.

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, thats too damn bad.

My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I dont care how bad it tastes.

Marthas way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Marthas way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I dont do it.

Marthas way: Place a slice of apple inhardened brown sugar to soften it.

My way: Brown sugar is supposed to be soft?

Marthas way: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corns natural sweetness.

My way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Marthas way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasnt fresh.

Marthas way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you cant rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isnt the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Marthas way: Dont throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?

Marthas way: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Marthas way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Marthas way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.

* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.

* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

Why do Jewish American Princesses

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Why do Jewish American Princesses have crows feet?

– From squinting and saying Suck What?