What is foreplay for a Jewish American Princess?

Thirty minutes of begging.

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, Wedding cake.

First, we want to apologize to our Polish friends, but remember

its just a joke!

Polandss Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater

Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in

central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far

and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the

evening.

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.

– Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

– Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that wont last out the year.

– The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

But what … is it good for?

– Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

– Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

640K ought to be enough for anybody.

– Bill Gates, 1981

This telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.

– Western Union internal memo, 1876.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

– David Sarnoffs associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a C, the idea must be feasible.

– A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smiths paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?

– H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

Im just glad itll be Clark Gable whos falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.

– Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in Gone With The Wind.

A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.

– Response to Debbi Fields idea of starting Mrs. Fields Cookies.

We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

– Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.

– Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

If I had thought about it, I wouldnt have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you cant do this.

– Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M Post-It Notepads.

So we went to Atari and said, Hey, weve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, well come work for you. And they said, No. So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, Hey, we dont need you. You havent got through college yet.

– Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniaks personal computer.

Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.

– 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddards revolutionary rocket work.

You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It cant be done. Its just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.

– Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the unsolvable problem by inventing Nautilus.

Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? Youre crazy.

– Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.

– Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.

– Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

– Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

Louis Pasteurs theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

– Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon.

– Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing a few
nut-brown ale. While theyre sitting around blankly staring at their mugs,
three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
Suddenly buzzzplooop, each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different glass.

The Englishman gives a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out with a
spoon, flicks it over his shoulder, and drains the glass.

The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With a quick puff
he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer down in one gulp.

They both look on amazed as the Scotsman carefully grasps the fly by its wings,
gently lifts it and shakes it off. Then he says to the fly in a quiet voice,
There yare now laddie, SPIT IT OOOOT!

Ken.

How many Jewish American Princesss does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.

A Scotsman was sick and in hospital. His doctors were afraid that
this was to be the end of him since nothing they did could do anything
to make him healthy. His physician asked him if there was anything
that he could do to make him more comfortable in his final hours.
The Scot replied, If I could only hear the pipes one more time it would
make me very happy. So the doctor arranged for a piper to come into the
room and play for the dying man.

When the Scot heard the pipes the color came back into his cheeks, his
eyes became bright, his breathing was easier, and he got up and danced
around the room. He was completely cured! Later, while recounting the
tale to his fellows over lunch the doctor confessed that this was a
miracle cure that he couldnt explain. When the pipes began to play
the Scotsman was cured. The only problem he could see was that 2
Englishmen in for checkups died.

Q: What happened to the Polish National Library?

A: Someone stole the book.

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q: Whats Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
A: Paddy OFurniture!

Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishmans life?
A: Third grade.

Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch.

Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A: Hes the one with patches over both eyes.

How many Irish does it take to change a lightbulb?

Forget it- well drink in the dark