A Polish man finds a jeannie lamp on the beach, he rubs it and the jeannie
comes out and says: I grant you one wish.

He said to the jeannie, I want you to build me a bridge to Poland.

The jeannie said: No one can build a bridge that long,
you have to pick another wish.

He thinks for a minute and said: I want you to make all my family and friends in
Poland smart so people dont put them down.

The jeannie replies, How many lanes did you want on that bridge?

(From a joke-of-the-day calendar…)

Three Irish Catholic ladies are across the street from a brothel.

Isnt that Reverend Brown coming out of there?

What a scandal! For a clergyman to sink like that!

Isnt that Rabbi Farbstein?

Oh, that filthy Jew! Disgusting!

Isnt that Father Murphy?

My, my, there must be a very sick girl in there.

Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what theyre saying?

Just by following these easy steps, you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander.

What you hear and what it means:

A MEDGEN: visualize, conjure up mentally, John Lennon s first solo album Imagine, as if it was a Bug Hut in the Land of the Long White Cloud.

BETTING: Betting Gloves are worn by betsmen in crucket.

BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the nick and the billy.

BUGGER: As in mine is bugger then yours.

CHULLY BUN: Chilly bin also known as an ESKY

COME YOUSE: Controversial captain of the Australian cricket team who resigned tearfully in favor of Allan Border. Full name: Kimberley John Hughes.

DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy.

ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like Surria, E-Jupp and Libernon.

EKKA DYMOCKS: University staff.

GUESS: Flammable vapor used in stoves.

CHICK OUT CHUCKS: Supermarket point of sale operators.

SENDLES: Sandals, thongs and open shoes.

COLOR: Terminator, violent forecloses of human life.

CUSS: Kiss.

DUCK HID: Term of abuse directed mainly at males.

PHAR LAP: New Zealands famous racehorse christened Phillip but was incorrectly written down as Phar Lap by an Australian racing official who was not well versed in Kiwi-ese.

DUNNESTY: US television soap opera starred Joan Collins as Elixirs Kerrungton.

ERROR ROUTE: Arnotts famous oval-shaped mulk error route buskets.

FITTER CHENEY. A type of long flat pasta, not to be confused with Rugger Tony or Tell ya. Tilly.

This black guy walks into this bar, with a parrot.

The bartender asked What would you like?

The parrot said A Budlight

The amazed bartener started to ask the man Where did you get him?

But the parrot interupted Africa!! Theres a thousands of em!

Q: Why did the Polak put ice in his condom?

A: To keep the swelling down.

1. Before changing lanes you should:
(A) signal.

(B) check for traffic.

(C) both a & b.

(D) just swing into the lane without doing either a or b.

2. The top light on a traffic signal is:
(A) red.

(B) yellow.

(C) green.

(D) Who cares, it doesnt apply to me anyway.

3. The speed limit in a residential area is:
(A) 35 MPH.

(B) 25 MPH.

(C) 45 MPH.

(D) I paid $65,000 for this car, Ill drive as fast as I want.

4. In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should:
(A) slow to a walking pace.

(B) go around the block.

(C) stop.

(D) speed up and honk your horn.

5. In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you
should:
(A) maintain your speed.

(B) slow a little.

(C) slow a lot.

(D) speed up and dont bother honking your horn.

6. Your may make a left turn from the right lane:
(A) never.

(B) when there is a left turn arrow.

(C) on Sunday at 2 A.M.

(D) When ever you damn well feel like it.

7. When a school bus has flashing red lights, you:
(A) must stop.

(B) may pass on the left after checking.

(C) may pass after slowing to 5 MPH.

(D) use your car phone to order Chinese food
while passing on the left.

8. When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should:
(A) pull to the right and stop.

(B) pull into the nearest car wash.

(C) roll down your windows.

(D) turn up the radio and ignore it.

9. You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station:
(A) never.

(B) when the doors are closed.

(C) if there are no police around.

(D) when you have missed your turn.

10. When approaching a traffic light where cars
are stopped, you should:
(A) relax.

(B) watch the signal.

(C) stop a safe distance back from the car in front.

(D) call your wife/secretary on your car
phone so everyone can see that you have a car
phone.

11. When turning onto a side street, you should
signal:
(A) two blocks before turning.

(B) two car lengths before turning.

(C) two miles before turning.

(D) what for, if the guy behind me hits me, Ill sue him.

12. A U-turn in a business district is legal:

(A) only at an intersection.

(B) always.

(C) never.

(D) if I pass a sale at the jewelers.

13. Parking in a red-zone is permitted:
(A) never.

(B) on Sunday.

(C) if there is a fire hydrant.

(D) when Ill only be there for five minutes.

14. What is your annual gross income:
(A) $10,000-20,000.

(B) $20,000-40,000.

(C) $40,000-80,000.

(D) $80,000 and up.

Scoring

If you answered d on every question, you have a perfect
score. You are certified to drive a Mercedes Benz
Automobile. You may, at your discretion, proceed to your
nearest Mercedes Benz authorized distributor and select
the Mercedes Benz Automobile of your choice.

If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions,
you may request a retest in two weeks time. Please study
the Mercedes Benz motor vehicle guide in preparation for
your retest.

If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions,
were sorry, you just dont have the proper attitude to
be a Mercedes Benz Automobile driver. Perhaps you should
consider a BMW.

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.
The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, Sorry, I cant do it.
The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. Sorry, I cant. he says.
The last man enters the office and the inverviewer said yet again explains the test. The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The Agent hears 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
The man comes out of the room and says, Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!

What do you call an [ethnic] lady having an abortion?

Crimestopper.

There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons.

The first one says My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City.

The second one says My son has done better than that. He is the best Doctor in New York City.

The third one says My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two great boyfriends….One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the city.

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "Whatll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please.

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until theyre gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You dont have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low Ill bring you a fresh cold one." The man says, "You dont understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night wed still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and were drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and Id just like to say that Im sorry that one of your brothers died." The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine—-I just quit drinking."