Fotheringham was a Brit through and through, while his neighbor Mackintosh was a true Scot. Ever since they had settled down in adjacent houses they played an active game of keeping up with the Joneses. If one bought a new car, it was certain that within a week the other would have a new, slightly fancier car. If one re-painted the trim on his house, the other house would promptly be freshened up.
And on it went throughout the years: lawn ornaments, barbeques, shrubbery, boats, carpets, lamps – almost anything one could imagine would be purchased by one neighbor and promptly one-upped by the other.
Their mutual passion was hunting, and every spring and autumn they would spend days slogging through marshes and forests, fighting off mosquitoes, blackflies, and poison ivy, ever in pursuit of a better buck or a fatter string of ducks than the other one had bagged the previous year. Despite the competition, it was usually friendly, and more than once Fotheringham and Mackintosh went on their expiditions together.
One evening, Mackintosh received a telephone call from Foteringham.
The duck hunting season starts tomorrow, and I was wondering if youd be interested in joinin me for the first shoot of the year?
Fer certain Ill be there! replied the Scot. Lets start oot in the wee hours o the mornin, for I would like to be on the lake when the sun comes up.
At 5:00 the next morning the Englishman was on Mackintoshs doorstep. Together they went out to their favorite lake and waited for the sunrise. Fotheringham had brought along new dog – a rather nondescript spaniel. As the sun came up behind them, a flock of ducks flew over the water. Ill get this one, said Fotheringham, as he swung his Jeager over and under. He pulled the trigger, and a greenhead tumbled out of the flock and splased on to the surface of the lake.
Fotheringham looked down at his dog. All right, boy, go get it! Immediately the dog jumped out of the boat. In amazement, Mackintosh watched the dog as it ran on top of the water, retrieved the duck, and ran back across the surface of the lake. It leaped the gunwhale and deposited the duck at his masters feet, having not so much as got a hair on its chest wet.
Bursting with pride, Fotheringham asked, There! What do ya think of that?
Mackintosh looked at the dog, looked at Fotheringham, looked again at the dog, then looked up at the Englishman. After some thought, he said slowly, If ye want me opinion, I think ye got taken. I wouldna spend good money on a dog that dinna know how to swim!

A lion in the London Zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, Thats a docile old thing, isnt it?

No way, said the keeper, its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged an Australian tourist into the cage and completely devoured him.

Hardly seems possible, said the astonished visitor, but why is it lying there licking its arse?

The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth.

This one may be old on the net (I certainly heard it a number of years ago),
but in case you havent heard it before, here goes a story the Polish tell
about Russians…

A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He
is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is
more than a little peeved that his status in the party isnt enough to get
him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have
left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm–hell have to make do with that.
The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for
the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well
try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups
of tea.

As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they
are having a fairly wild party and theyre very drunk. They also ignore him
totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes,
he realizes he cant stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them.
He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it
were a microphone he says:

Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!
The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid
knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30
seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian
gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, however, as hes checking out and is about to leave, the
desk-clerk calls after him:

By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your
little joke last night!

As I said, this is a joke the Polish tell about Russians…

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard.
Im lost, said the man, Can you put me up for the night?

Certainly, the Chinese man said, but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.

OK, said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldnt keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old mans warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldnt hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.

Well, thats easy, he thought. If thats the best the old man can do then I dont have much to worry about.

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read: Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

How do you stop a black gang from beating you up?

– Throw them a basketball.

Did you hear about the new Miss Ebonics pageant?

– It seems they only had 49 states. No one wanted to be Miss Idaho.

What does a teenage girl from West Virginia say during sex?

Carefull dad, youre crushing my cigarettes!

(Q.)What do you call a bunch of mexicans on a roof?

(A.)Chingos

One day the Little Rascals were in class and the teacher says they were
going to have a spelling bee. She calls on Spankey. Spankey can you
spell Dictate?

He goes D-i-c-k- She goes No.

Then she goes on, Alfalfa can you spell Dictate?
Alfalfa says D-i-c-t-a-e- She goes No.

Then she
calls on Buckwheat. Buckwheat can you spell Dictate?

Buckwheat says D-i-c-t-a-t-e.

The teacher says Very good, now can you put that in a sentence?

Buckwheat replies Darla how did my Dictate last night?