Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:

He went into his fathers business.
He lived at home until the age of 33.
He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:

He never got married.
He never held a steady job.
His last request was a drink.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:

His first name was Jesus.
He was always in trouble with the law.
His mother did not know who his father was.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:

He talked with his hand.
He had wine with every meal.
He worked in the building trades.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:

He called everybody brother.
He had no permanent address.
Nobody would hire him.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Californian:

He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot.
He invented a new religion.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
could buy him a drink.

Why of course, comes the reply.

The first man then asks: Where are you from?

Im from Ireland, replies the second man. The first man responds:
You dont say, Im from Ireland too! Lets have another round to
Ireland.

Of Course, replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: Where in Ireland are you from?

Dublin, comes the reply.

I cant believe it, says the first man. Im from Dublin too! Lets
have another drink to Dublin.

Of course, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you
go to?

Saint Marys, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.

This is unbelievable!, the first man says. I went to Saint Marys
and I graduated in 62, too!

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

Whats been going on?, he asks the bartender.

Nothing much, replies the bartender. The OMalley twins are drunk
again.

Theres a big trade in skunk fur at the moment so two ladies are on holiday with the intention of smuggling a couple of skunks back home. Theyre discussing how theyre going to conceal them to get through customs.

I can put it down my knickers as surely no one will search there. says one of them.

Yes but what about the smell? asks her friend.

Hey, if it dies it dies.

Apparently all British Airways planes have been grounded today after it was found that all the air hostesses had at least a four inch crack in them.

Martina Navratolova was held at Heathrow today after customs men found a pound of crack in her knickers.

Did you hear the one about the Indian who slept in the hotel lobby because
he didnt have a reservation?

Top 10 Reasons For Being Irish

The Guinness is great
The crack is great
You wont get in a crack unless you marry them
You cant have sex with a condom on
Thus you must have sex without one on
No one can ever remember the night before
If you dont agree with me Ill blow you up
The stew is great
The Murphys is great
Er…Best pop down the pub and have a think

How does a New Zealander make a u-turn?

He winks at it.

A pirate comes walking into a dockside tavern. He has a wooden leg, a hook instead of a hand, and a glass eye. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The curious young man sitting next to him asks the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day and a wave washed me overboard, then a shark came along and bit me leg off.

The young man then asks, Well then, how did you lose your hand?

To this the pirate answered, Many years ago, I was fighting the Brittish and one of the dastards cut me hand off! So I had to put this hook on me.

The young man then asked, How did you get the glass eye?

The pirate replies, I was standing on the deck of me boat, and a bird crapped in me eye.

The young man, now completely confused says, Thats it? No fantastic story? A bird crapped in your eye and you lost it?

The pirate says, Well, it was me first day with me hook…

There was a man, who walked into a small Chinatown shop to look around.
He saw a golden rat, and asked the oriental behind the counter how much it
cost.

Golden Rat, one hundred dollar. Story behind Golden Rat three
hundred dollar.

The man decided just to buy the Golden Rat, so he pays
for it and leaves.

A rat that was in the shop follows him out, as does a
rat in the alley outside. Before hes walked a street away, hes being
followed by ten rats, then a hundred, then a thousand. The man starts to
panic, and starts running away, while more and more rats follow him. He
ran right across the town, and got himself trapped by the sea. He
hesitated for a second, then dives off the wharf and starts swimming.

Looking back, he saw that the rats were still following him, but the
second they hit the water, they turned to stone and sank. About fifteen
minutes later (well, it takes a while to kill ten thousand rats), the man
swam back to shore, and walked back to the shop.

When he walked in, the
guy behind the counter said Ahhhh. You come back for story about Golden
Rat.

The man replied No, I was just wondering if you have any Golden
[ethnics].

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

What is it, child?

The girl said, Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, My dear, I have good news. That isnt a sin – its only a mistake.

Why do redneck farmers wear overalls with a button fly?

Because the livestock can hear a zipper a mile away.