Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the train drivers backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: Thaw the chicken.

Q. What do you call two irish homosexuals

A. Gerald Fitz-patrick and Patrick Fitz-gerald

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME:

Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffy-lube, stroke, console, bark, purr,hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, Reddi-Whip, embrace, delouse, accept, butter up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while shes puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, Krazy Glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot-weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, dont care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship … and then go back, Jack, and do it all over again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME:

Blow job.

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots havent seen the joke yet.

The Court of King George III

London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson

c/o The Continental Congress

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your Declaration of Independence with great interest.
Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your
statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the
Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for
proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further
refinement.

The questions which follow might assist you in your process of
revision:

In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the Laws of Nature
and Natures God. What are these laws? In what way are they
the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please
document with citations from the recent literature.
In the same paragraph you refer to the opinions of mankind.
Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence,
it seems to us the opinions of mankind are a matter of opinion.
You hold certain truths to be self-evident. Could you please
elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not
be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting
statistics.
Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness seem to be the
goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If
you were to say that among these is the ability to sustain an
average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at least 55
years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news
without outside interference, and to raise the average income
of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years, these
could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
You state that Whenever any Form of Government becomes
destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to
alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government….
Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives?
What are the trade-off considerations?
Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive.
Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of
goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all.
You state that the colonies ought to be Free and Independent
States, and that they are Absolved from All Allegiance to
the British Crown. Who or what must change to achieve this
objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps
will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take?
We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to
prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are
your strategies?
Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for
implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided
the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory
committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas
of the principal investigators.
You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring
this since Queen Annes War.
What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include
any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-
range prospects of your undertaking.
Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget,
and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your Declaration
of Independence. We welcome the submission of your revised proposal.
Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies
with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a Lord Nelson.



The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.



The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told Doctor, Ive been suffering from a delusion. I know now for a fact that I am not Lord Nelson.



Thats wonderful, said the doctor. Who are you?



Smiling coyly, the patient replied, Im Lady Nelson.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says Your eyes sparkle like diamonds. I said Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck, not a-ROMANTIC duck.

Whats the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

– A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

What are the five most common words said to a well dressed Black man?

Will the defendant please rise.

For sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Brittanicas. No longer need them — damn wife knows everything!!