Ai Bang Mai Ne
I bumped into the coffee table

Ar U Wun Tu
A gay liberation greeting

Chin Tu Fat
You need a face lift

Dum Gai
A stupid person

Gun Pao Der
An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung
Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding
We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

Jan Ne Ka Sun
A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia
Approach me

Lao Ze Sho
Gilligans Island

Lao Ze
Not very good

Lin Ching
An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding
A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn
A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai
A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be
A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne
A small horse

Ten Ding Ba
Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung
A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan
Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah
Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim
Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting
There is no reason to raise your voice

There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, Buddy, Id sure like to be on your side of the river!

Alrght, tell ya whut, Ill shine my flashlight cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light! the redneck yelled back.

The buckeye replied, Haint no way, buddy. I know you think Im a fool! When I get halfway cross, youll turn your flashlight off!

If you like British humor! This is really good!

The British Governments policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called Proxy Fathers.

Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father – a government employee who attempts to solve the couples problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, Im off. The government man should be here soon. Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell…

Ms Smith: Good morning.

Salesman: Good morning, madam. You dont know me, but Ive come to…

Ms Smith: No need to explain, Ive been expecting you.

Salesman: Really? Well, good. Ive made a specialty of babies, especially twins.

Ms Smith: Thats what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

Salesman: (Sitting) Then you dont need to be sold on the idea?

Ms Smith: Dont concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do.

Salesman: Well, perhaps we should get down to it.

Ms Smith: (Blushing) Just where do we start?

Salesman: Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out.

Ms Smith: Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasnt worked for Harry and me.

Salesman: Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, Im sure youll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, I aim to please.

Ms Smith: Pardon me, but isnt this a little informal?

Salesman: Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. Id love to be in and out in five minutes, but youd be disappointed with that.

Ms Smith: Dont I know! Have you had much success at this?

Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London.

Ms Smith: Oh, my!!

Salesman: And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.

Ms Smith: She was?

Salesman: Yes, Im afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. Ive never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.

Ms Smith: Four and five deep?

Salesman: Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldnt concentrate. Im afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in.

Ms Smith: You mean they actually chewed on your, eh…, equipment?

Salesman: Thats right, but its all in a days work. I consider my work a pleasure. Ive spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store.

Ms Smith: I just cant believe it.

Salesman: Well, madam, if youre ready, Ill set up my tripod so that we can get to work.

Ms Smith: TRIPOD?!?

Salesman: Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. Its much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while Im shooting. Ms Smith? … Ms Smith? … My word, shes fainted!

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop.

A few days later he received this report:



Most honorable sir:



You leave house. I watch house. He comes to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel.



I climb tree – look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip her. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with ME. Fall out of tree, not see.



NO FEE.

Did you know that Rita McNeil has a tatoo of Canada on her butt?
Ya, every time she bends over Quebec seperates!

An aggie, one of the elderly types, proceeded to try out
for a part in a local College Station play. Sympathizing
with his zeal for the part, the cast director agreed to
include him in it, but under two conditions, hed better do
a heck of good job, and he would only get one line in the
entire play: Hark! the cannon just fired!

So the elderly aggie goes home, brags to all his friends about it,
and continually yells:

Hark! the cannon just fired!

Hark! the cannon just fired!

Finally on the night of the performace, during the highlight of
the play, the booming sound of a menacing cannon shakes the
entire theatre, the audience, in complete awe and silence…
At the top of his lungs the aggie shouts:

What the hell was that?!

How do you know when an [ethnic] girl has her period?

One of her socks is missing.

Ted and John wanted to get away from the countryside and see the world. One
day Ted said to his brother You know, we could do really well setting up
our bungee-jumping service in Mexico.

John thought this was a great idea, so the two pooled their money and
bought all the equipment they needed.

They traveled to Mexico and began to set up a tower near the center of the
town for good publicity. As they began building the tower, a crowd
assembled nearby. Slowly more and more people gathered to watch them work.

They were excited at having such a big audience that Ted decided to jump
and show his prospective clients all about bungee jumping.

He bounced at the end of the cord. When he came back up, John noticed that
he had a few cuts and scratches. As he flew by, John asked if the cord was
too long. Unfortunately, he wasnt able to catch him. So Ted fell again,
bounced and came back up.

This time Ted was seriously bruised and bleeding. Again, John just missed
catching him and asked if the cord was too long.

Ted fell a third time. This time, when he bounced back, he was a complete
mess with a couple of broken bones and was almost unconscious.

Luckily, John finally caught his brother and said What happened? Was the
cord too long?

Ted said, No, the cord was fine, but what in the world is a piñata?

Avoid models that stall during use.



Check the odo(ur)meter regularly.



Avoid completely blocking the air intake.



Take care not to allow too much steam or moisture to build up when away from home.



Keep locked in the garage when not in use.



Ensure any problems are clearly expressed on the facia.



Check for pulling attachments.



Security: ensure no Joy riders can get their hands on it.



If necessary, fit an alarm.



See if the coil needs replacing.



Take it for a good thrash around



Are you allowed to take passengers with this model?



Watch out for nasty emissions.



Keep all leather accessories in order.



If necessary, fit a silencer.



Or use the choke and throttle properly.



For your own safety, never attempt to handle when drunk.



Check the hooters. If necessary, give it the horn.



Verify that airbags come out when required. Fit extra padding if necessary.



NEVER let your friends have a go.



Never make the mistake of thinking that if you traded in your current model you could get one like they have in specialist magazines.



Avoid taking it to the pub if youre drinking.



Long rides may be tiring, do not feel ashamed to stop, in the middle of it and fall asleep.



It is preferable to get an automatic as this means less time with your stick it your hand.



With a manual: to avoid unpleasant noises coming from it, avoid putting your stick into its reverse position whilst in motion.



It is useful to have more than one for different purposes.



German models tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for frequent, brief usage.



Italian models are very responsive but change hands often (high mileage) and often make worrying noises.



American models tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel.



Attractive British models are hard to find and expensive to maintain.



Swedish models are usually very versatile.



Japanese models are mass produced and reliable, but very common and often unattractive.



French models are easy to come by but frequently disappointing.



Avoid models that are a tight fit for you; equally, stay away from those with very much more room space than needed.



Stay well clear of people carriers.



Executive models are hard to get going but once speed builds they dont take kindly to stopping stop.



Be wary of fast models as they will probably have high mileage and excessive amounts of wear in places.



The interior of ones which have been previously owned by old people will have a smell you will never get rid of.



It is unwise to take your fathers/big brothers/mates out without permission.



Do not get too attached to ones you have to rent.



It is NEVER advisable to own a wide load model.



Replace every year with a newer model.