Why dont [ethnic] men like blow jobs?

They dont like any jobs.

Q. What do you call it when you bury 1000 black men in the ground up to their necks?

A. Afroturf

By P. Van Neikerk, in the Globe & Mail Thursday Feb 25th
Johannesburg S.A.

A total of 918 people applied last year to be reclassified from one
racial group to another under South Africas race classification laws…

…Mr. [Stoffel] Botha said one white had become Cape coloured 69 Cape
coloureds had become white, five Malays had become white, three Indians had
become Cape coloureds, two Cape coloureds had become Indian, and one Malay
had become Indian.

In addition, 133 blacks had become Cape coloureds, one black had become
a Griqua and one Cape coloured had become a Malay.

Among the unsuccessful applicants were four Cape coloureds who wanted to
become Chinese, nine Indians who wanted to become Malays and three blacks
who wanted to be other Asians.

Its funny…I just wish it were a joke.

[Ed: A good issue with an above average number of acceptable bits ]

Selections from:
NutWorks Electronic Humor Magazine.

Issue022, (Volume VI, Number II). February, 1988.
Special Valentines Day Issue!

NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by
Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>

Shower the people you love with love.
–James Taylor
Shower with the people you love.
–Anonymous

Lovers Quiz #1
===============
by David Asa Wacks with Hugh Cushing
(Dave got paid a lot more, though)

Hey guys & gals! Are you HARD UP? This simple quiz can let you know
how hard youre going to have to work to get a Valentine. Score yourself
as follows: 1 point for each A, 2 points for each B, 3 points for
each C, and 10 points for each D.

1. You are taking a guy/girl on a first date. How much are you willing
to spend?
A. Guest meal at campus dining services
B. $5.00 for a few slices
C. A nice Chinese dinner, maybe $25.00 tops
D. The price of your physics textbook

2. Sitting on your dorm steps you spot a potential scoop. Your first
course of action is to:
A. Start up a lively, interesting conversation
B. Use one of your favorite lines
C. Propose a temporary marriage – say for the weekend
D. Knock him/her over the head with your physics textbook and drag
him/her back to your friends single

3. Your definition of blue balls is:
A. A solid and a stripe in billiards
B. Those little styrofoam things on the inside of a beanbag
C. A painful need for a cold shower
D. Fig. 42, p. 189 demonstrating variable density in your physics
textbook

4. If she says, no she means:
A. No
B. Probably not
C. Yes
D. Shes gagged and cant answer

5. Attendance at campus dining services per 19-meal-a-week allotment
A. 0-10
B. 11-14
C. 15-19
D. 38 – You steal your roomies card

6. Average time spent on toilet seat/day:
A. 2 min.
B. 4 min.
C. 6 min.
D. Long enough to read a few pages of physics

7. Amount of time spent perusing the freshman face book/day
A. 2-5 min.
B. 5-7 min.
C. 7-10 min.
D. Fall asleep with it

8. Qualifications for your blind date:
A. No imperfections
B. No boy/girlfriend
C. No particular desire to be seen with you
D. No sarcoma

9. Typical topic of conversation on blind date:
A. Sunsets
B. Bork
C. How he/shes doing
D. Robotics

10. Typical conclusion to blind date:
A. Bought a futon together
B. Got phone number
C. Lost him/her in crowd
D. Temporary restraining order

Results:
10-20 Youre doin OK, dude(tte).
21-40 Things could be better.
41-60 Better watch yourself at social functions.
61-100 Yessir, maybe a nocturnal trip to the petting zoo is in order.

How to Get a Date
=================
by the Jabberwock <PM107>
submitted by JRP

How to Get the Man/Woman/Other(please state) of your Choice

First locate your target. Your best chance of doing this is by going
to one of those wild parties which result in pairs of bodies being strewn
all over the stairs within a couple of hours of starting. However, since
I never get invited to that sort of party, Im blowed if I can see why I
should help those of you who do. So I wont. So there.

Having located your target, the next step is to find out where said
target lives. This is easily done by following her/him until you reach a
door which they go in and lock. This will either be their room or the
bathroom, and if you cant tell the difference then youre beyond hope.

Next you need to establish contact. Knock on the targets door, and
when it is opened, say, Excuse me, but I wanted to leave a message for
so-and-so upstairs, but he/she/it isnt in. Can I borrow a pen and paper
to leave a note please? Having borrowed this, make sure that you leave
something behind when you go. This means that you can go back and
collect it sometime.

DANGER SIGNS: A wedding or engagement ring.
A photo of a stunning individual by the bed.
The presence of a stunning individual in the bed.
A very rapid ushering out of the room.
Phrases such as, Get lost, you pervert!

GOOD SIGNS: Him/her/it falling into your arms on your next visit.
A return visit armed with red rose.

As you can see, there are more danger signs than good signs, so if at
first you dont succeed, dont worry…there are plenty more toads in the
bog! A good strategy is ending up on the doorstep looking very pathetic,
which can get you invited in for a coffee so you can work on your chat-up
lines. One line you should never use if you want to leave their room
with the same number of limbs as you went in with is, Do you come here
often? It is the targets room after all.

HAPPY HUNTING!!!

Lovers Quiz #2
===============
by Jazzman

A questionnaire to test your Valentines Day eligibility. Section One is
for women, Section Two for men.

Section One (Women):

1. When on a date, I like to go:
A) to a quiet dinner, a movie, and then straight home (+5)
B) to Burger King, to a drive-in, then to his place for
a few drinks (+10)
C) anywhere that no one can see or hear what we do (+15)

2. When I get into the car on a date, I sit:
A) across the seat, more or less melting into the door (-5)
B) next to my date (+10)
C) on my dates lap (+15)

3. When my date tries to put his arm around me, I:
A) firmly remove his arm and tell him that Im not that
kind of girl (-5)
B) move cautiously closer to him (+5)
C) consider this only the beginning of a long, fun-filled
evening (+15)

4. When I kiss on a Valentines date, I:
A) do not kiss on Valentines dates (-5)
B) kiss goodnight at my door (no tongues) (+0)
C) consider this only the beginning of a long,
fun-filled evening (+15)

5. If asked out for a second date after Valentines, I:
A) blush, ask him to call me later, and call home
to ask permission from my mom (-10)
B) consider his motives and accept if I find them
within the realm of my morals (+10)
C) consider his performance and accept if he
played three or more encores (+20)

Scoring for Women:

-20 TO 10 POINTS: Oh please. You couldnt get a date if you paid for
one. You should consider interspecies dates as your
only available option for romance.

15 TO 65 POINTS: Youre interested in men but are either too shy or
emotionally unstable. A Valentines date for you is a
horror of hand-slapping and cautious drink-sipping.
Relax. Its just an innocent date. Trust me!

70 TO 105 POINTS: Yah! Love ya! You consider nylons and garter belts
kinky but dont think twice about wearing black
leather, rubber clothing, or whipping your chained
partner into submission. Theres nothing I could teach
you about dating that you dont already know. Hit me
with your best shot!

Section Two (Men):

1. When on a date, I like to go:
A) to a quiet dinner, a PG movie, and have her home by 11 (-5)
B) out for a beer and then back to my place and pass out together (+5)
C) back to my place for erotic fun (+15)

2. When I pick her up, I:
A) remind her to fasten her seatbelt (-10)
B) make conversation by inquiring about her class schedule (+5)
C) remove the beer cans from under her feet and attack
her while telling her how much I respect her (+15)

3. My dates usually say:
A) Have you ever done this before? (-10)
B) Wake up, dammit! Im not through yet! (-5)
C) Lets try one more time and make it an even dozen! (+20)

4. When I kiss my Valentines date, I:
A) dont try to kiss my date, I dont wish to compromise her integrity
or give her the wrong impression of my motives (-10)
B) kiss her goodnight and tell her what a great time I
had (even if I didnt) (+5)
C) seldom stop until Ive reached her ankles (+15)

5. When I ask her for date following Valentines, I:
A) respect her desire to contemplate our relationship
and agree to call her after she has had an opportunity
to consider her position and make a responsible decision (-5)
B) wonder what Im going to get on the next date if she
kissed on the first one (+5)
C) ask her during breakfast in bed (+15)

Scoring for Men:

-25 TO 10 POINTS: Youre too old-fashioned for the women of the 80s.
Sex is a mystery to you and you bore the hell out of
your mother. Do yourself and the world a favor: commit
yourself to Depo-Provera treatments and become an
accountant.
15 TO 65 POINTS: You enjoy women but havnt quite figured out what
any woman could possibly see in you. Good point. Its
not hopeless, however, with a little work and effort,
you too could soon be on your way to successful
dating.
65 TO 100 POINTS: Youre a man of the world who is well versed in the
art of give and take. You know what a woman wants and
youre not afraid to give it to her. You lead a hard
and arduous life trying to satisfy the many women
around you. Youll make an excellent Valentine date
for any mature woman.

How many Ruwandons does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

None, there is no electricity in Ruwanda

Man is like an automobile. As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission wont go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline.

When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning.

It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging.

But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows. Gentlemen, start your engines.

In Manhatan a midget got onto the elevator.

A few floors down a huge black man got in, and said Do you know that my
body weighs 300 pounds, in fact each one of my balls weighs 25 pounds, my
dick is 35 inches long and my name is Turner Brown.

The midget fainted dead away

After being revived by the paramedics the midget asked the
black man to repeat his last few words.

The black man replied I said my name is Turner Brown.

Thank God! said the midget, I thought you said turn around.

One day an Indian, English, and Polish guy all wanted to get blow jobs.
So they decided to go to a place where they could get what they wanted.
When they got in they saw that there were three levels: gold, silver and
bronze.

So the English guy said, I think I will take the bronze level. The other
two guys sat there for about two minutes when the English guy came out.

He said that was the best blow job he had ever had. The Indian asked him
what she did that was so special.

He said she put ice cream on my dick and licked it all off.

Then the Indian said I think I will take the silver level. Three minutes
later the Indian come out and said that was the best blow job Ive ever
had.

The other two guys asked what she did. He said she put ice cream, hot
fudge and caramel on my dick and licked it all off.

The Polish guy was amazed at what she did to the Indian so he decided to
take the gold room.

Five minutes later he came out saying, That was the best blow job Ive
ever had.

There was a pause, then the English guy asked the Polish guy what she did.

He said she put, ice cream, hot fudge, caramel, whipped cream and a cherry
on my dick.

There was another pause, Then what? Then what? shouts the English guy.

Well, said the Polish guy it looked so good I ate it myself.

This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. "Well boys, the time is near, and when I pass Id like to be buried at sea." So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local front page read, "Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought in Patrick McRay in a Coffin, 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three Sons… Funeral arrangements havent yet been made, however, it is believed all wished to be buried at sea."

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishmans garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg.

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, Now its my turn to punch you.

The Scotsman said, Keep the lousy egg.