A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see whod get the most out of a dime. The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the Ukrainian, I know you cant beat that for stretching a dime. The Ukrainian said, I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a poo in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like poo. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back!

Two cowboys came riding around a bend in the trail and saw an indian on
the ground. His head was tilted with his ear on the ground. When he saw
the cowboys he said, Three men, large wagon, four horses. One of the
cowboys asked in amazement, You can tell all that just by listening to the
ground?

No, said the indian, They ran over me…..

Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, staying at her mothers house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her. Dont worry, Maria. Tonys a good man. Go upstairs and hell take care of you.

So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, Mama, Mama, Tonys got a big hairy chest.

Dont worry, Maria, said her mother, all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. Hell take good care of you.

Up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and hes got hairy legs!

Dont worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tonys a good man. Go up stairs and hell take good care of you.

Up she went again.

When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

Mama, Mama, Tonys got a foot and a half!

Stay here and stir the pasta, said her mother.

This is a job for Mama.

What do you call an [enthnic] in a limousine?

– A Chauffeur.

For a long time, Mary had a fantasy of making love with an [ethnic] man.
One night, when she was in a bar, she met a handsome [ethnic] who appeared
to be well-hung, so she figured, what the hell, shed go for it. So Mary
asked
the fellow to come home with her.

When the two got to Marys apartment, Mary told the [ethnic] about her
fantasy,
and asked if he would be a part of it. Well, the [ethnic], of course,
agreed,
so the two headed for Marys bedroom. When they got there, Mary said, Ok,
first, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed! So the [ethnic]
did
so. By this time, Mary was worked into a passionate frenzy. She looked up
at the [ethnic] and said, Now, big boy, do what you do best!

So the [ethnic] picked up her VCR and left.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. Well he explained By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen. On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself Ill go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. Well he explained By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen. On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself Ill go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. Well he explained, by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying –
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…….

A truck driver was doing a cross country haul
and he hated [ethnics] with a passion. Every time
he saw an [ethnic] hitch hiking he would swerve
off the road and hit them.

This had gone on
for about 7 or 8 hours when he saw a pastor
hitch hiking. He had to pick him up but he
wondered what he would do about the blood, he
decided to not to make conversation of it and
picked up the pastor. Luckily enough the
pastor didnt seem to notice.

About 20 minutes
later the truck driver spotted another
hitch hiker and thought Maybe if I act
like Im falling asleep at the wheel I can
swerve off the road and hit him.

So he then
proceded to act like he was falling asleep
and swerve off the road. Two seconds later
he heard a loud thump and looked up excitedly
and said Did I get em!

The pastor looked
up and said No my son,
but I got him with the door.

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together.

They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were
about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed into each of
their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over
the beer and then started yelling Spit it out, spit it out, you
bastard!

These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, Well have to come back here tomorrow!

The other asks, But how will we remember where this spot is?

The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, Well just look for this X tomorrow.

The other guy says, You idiot! How do you know well get the same boat?

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking, The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.

Claudia Schiffer was thinking, The Englishman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.

And the Irishman was thinking, This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, Ill make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again!