A young man was invited to his girlfriends house for dinner and to meet his soon-to-be inlaws.

During dinner, the man realized he had to fart. He pinched his cheeks to hold it in as long as he could. But pretty soon, he was so uncomfortable, he just decided to try and let it quietly slip out (make your favorite fart sound here) and the girls father yelled, Spot! which was the family dogs name.

Well, the young man was very relieved, thinking to himself, They think the dog farted. Whew! Im safe.

As the dinner progressed, the young man broke wind a few more times and each time the girls father would yell, Spot!

Towards the end of the meal, the young man really let one rip (add your best fart sound here) and the girls father yelled, Spot! Get over here before he shits all over you!

A Classic

———–

rtfm.mit.edu



Cereals – normal, at first.

——-

life.ai.mit.edu

trix.ai.mit.edu

alpha-bits.ai.mit.edu

beet-chex.ai.mit.edu

masticated-neo-bohemian-cthuloid.mit.edu

chewy-chomp.mit.edu



General Abuse

————-

my-hostname-is-longer-than-yours.mit.edu

no-sir-i-did-not-see-you-playing-with-your-dolls-again.ai.mit.edu

long-hostname-carefully-selected-to-expose-fixed-length-buffers.mit.edu



People and Attitudes

——————–

blithering-intellectual.mit.edu

chick-magnet.mit.edu

convivial-niceguy.mit.edu

dimple-boy.mit.edu

fearless-leader.mit.edu

boyish-good-looks.mit.edu

disarming-smile.mit.edu

that-blonde-chick.mit.edu

uma-thurman.mit.edu



Drugs

—–

big-fat-bag-of-crack.mit.edu

crack-baby.mit.edu

crack-whore.mit.edu

ten-cent-crack-whore.mit.edu



Sex

—

den-of-iniquity.mit.edu

big-pimpin.mit.edu

big-screw.mit.edu

dog-lover.mit.edu (of course, this may not really be sex-related…)

puppy-lover.mit.edu (same)

fried-foreskin.mit.edu

fuck-the-skull-of-jesus.mit.edu

margaret-thatcher-naked-on-a-cold-day.mit.edu

moaning-lisa.mit.edu

pearl-necklace.mit.edu (also somewhat subjective)

porn-star.mit.edu

spankasaurus-rex.mit.edu

squirting-sphincter.mit.edu

turgid-pole.mit.edu

x-rated.mit.edu



Commentary

———-

emacs-makes-a-computer-slow.mit.edu (notably not in gnu.ai.mit.edu domain)

existence-is-meaningless.mit.edu

failure-is-unacceptable.mit.edu

glad-i-am-not-a-dec.mit.edu

i-am-not-the-moose.mit.edu

i-cant-think-of-a-new-hostname.mit.edu

i-could-not-think-of-a-hostname.mit.edu

i-dont-know.mit.edu

i-goddess.mit.edu

i-m-so-tired.mit.edu

i-see-everything-twice.mit.edu

i-will-fear-no-evil.mit.edu

ignorance-is-strength.mit.edu

incite-sedition.mit.edu

its-a-feature.mit.edu

lost-cause.mit.edu

macs-suck.mit.edu

my-hovercraft-is-full-of-eels.mit.edu

my-dog-ate-it.mit.edu

not-a-guppy.mit.edu

not-a-mac.mit.edu

not-a-minihub.mit.edu

not-a-pretty-computer.mit.edu

not-a-printer.mit.edu

not-a-supported-platform.mit.edu

not-a-typewriter.mit.edu

not-an-sgi.mit.edu

not-what-you-think.mit.edu

pepsi-sux.mit.edu

piece-of-shit.mit.edu

point-and-drool.mit.edu

screw-loose.mit.edu

shit-happens.mit.edu

the-world-is-mine.mit.edu

thing-that-should-not-be.mit.edu

think-different.mit.edu

this-is-a-test.mit.edu

this-machine-has-no-neck.mit.edu

turning-coffee-into-theorems.mit.edu

yes-dear.mit.edu

yes-i-am.mit.edu



Odd Other Things

—————-

shit-box.mit.edu

sticky-scrot.mit.edu

seal-clubbing.mit.edu

really-bad-pun.mit.edu

right-bundle-branch.mit.edu

purry-fuzzball.mit.edu

nibbled-to-death-by-ducks.mit.edu

oh-no-not-again.mit.edu

bilge-pump.mit.edu

because-i-was-inverted.mit.edu

church-of-briantology.mit.edu

full-contact-origami.mit.edu

small-dogs.mit.edu

small-gods.mit.edu

something-intelligent.mit.edu

the-brown-ring-of-quality.mit.edu



Technical

———

bovine-spongiform-encephalopathy.mit.edu

tep-soda-machine.mit.edu

turing-machine.mit.edu

This is an original submission, although I didnt originate it.
If I have screwed up, assume that all the terms below apply to me.

—–begin included—–
Date: Thu, 10 Nov 1994 09:36:28 -1000 (HST)
From: Zoweee Wow, KSC <zoweee@zang.kcc.hawaii.edu>
Subject: My Tongue Ring (A Public Apology)

In accordance with the terms laid out on Monday, November 7th, 1994, I do
herebye offer Public and Embarassing Apology to a large group of
strangers for my statement upon that day that Tongue rings dont hurt at
all, you fucking wusses.

In my most remarkable stupidity, I dared to contradict the wisdom of my
obvious superiors simply because the piercing itself was not painful. I
proved my inability to grasp even the simple concepts underlying the
bodys willingness to Seek Revenge against Stupid Assholes Like Myself
for acts Most Heinous against the organism. Furthermore, I did this in
direct opposition to people who OWNED tongue piercings, knew the pain
they cause, and are obviously more intelligent than I.

To fulfill the terms of this agreement, I do herebye authorize the
further propagation of this Apology For Being a Shitheel, and hope that
my name will be placed somewhere near that of Hitler and Napoleon in the
annals of dimwitted jerkoffs, being second in bozosity only to people
who believe that attacking the russians in autumn is a Wise Plan.

Now, someone give me some Percocet before I die.

Zoweee Wow, Idiot-at-Large (23rd Congressional District)
zoweee@zang.kcc.hawaii.edu
chadr@uhunix.uhcc.hawaii.edu

—–end included—–

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said, Im gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down. And he did!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pigs house and said Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!! So the stick pig let the straw pig in.

Then the wolf showed up and said, Im gonna huff and puff and blow your house down! And he did!

The straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pigs house and said Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and were scared!!! So the brick pig let them in.

The wolf caught up with them and said Im gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.

While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend.

A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limo drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras.

These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then, one of them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolfs mouth. Then they left the wolf dead, got back into their limo and drove off.

The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!! They asked the brick pig, Who the hell were those guys?

And the brick pig said Oh, those are my cousins … the Guinea Pigs.

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friends door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, Fred, howd that pig get him a wooden leg?



Well Michael, thats a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin, went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!



And the boar tore up his leg?



No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin like he was stuck, woke us up, and fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved em all!



So thats when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?



No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out fore I drownded. Sure did save my life.



And that was when he hurt his leg?



Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too.



OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?



Well, the farmer tells him, Shit, when you have a Pig like THAT, youre not gonna eat all at once!

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.

The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.

Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.

Reagan shouts, Women and children first.

Nixon goes, Fuck the women.

Clinton replies, Do you think we have time?

In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil, Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.





Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew Kiki Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Faggot, our gerbil, in, he explained. As usual, Kiki shouted out Armageddon, my cue that hed had enough. I tried to retrieve Faggot but he wouldnt come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.





At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewskis hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbils fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball. Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.





Anonymous response:





Ok, heres the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this story:





I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . . Ouch!!!





So I peered into the tube . . . Aaaaaahhhhhhh. Im sorry, but thats like looking through a telescope into Hell. Id rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.





That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the guys ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.





Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someones ass. Im just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kikis tunnel of love.





People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.





People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just cant imagine looking at a doctor and saying Well doc, its like this. See we have this gerbil named Faggot and we took this cardboard tube…





First and second degree burns to the anus. Wouldnt this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy shit after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of Gods green earth.





People named Kiki which is obviously a Polynesian word for Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts.





What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?





This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? Im starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

How do you tell the Polish one at a cockfight?

Hes the one with the duck.

How do you tell the Italian?

Hes the one betting on the duck.

How do you tell if the mafia is there?

The duck wins.

-Ronald Reagan

The couple are merrily banging away, going ten to the dozen then she hears
the sound of a car door slam shut.

Oh shit cries out the woman, Its my husband coming home early.
The man mutters Holy Shit under his breath, panicking about his
prediciment.
Quickly the woman replies as she gathers up his clothes. Take these and hide
in the closet until the coast is clear.
He picks up the offered garments and steals away to the large closet. He closes
the door and crouches down.

After a while he gets the sneaking feeling that hes not entirly alone.
Dark in here, isnt it. The young boys voice confirms it. The womans son must
have been hiding here during the whole sordid act.
Holy Shit the man mutters again. Listen sonny. If I give you ten pounds
will you keep all this to yourself and not tell anyone.
The young lad thinks for a minute before saying Tell you what, make it a fiver
and youve got a deal. (Evidentally the lads state education wasnt totally
wasted…).

The man hunts around for his wallet and pulls out some money, using the light
beaming through the keyhole to deduce its demonination. The boy quickly takes
the money and tells the man that his secret is safe. He breaths a sigh of
relief and eventually manages to escape.

The next day at breakfast the young lad pulls out the fiver from his pocket and
starts to work out what he can buy with it.

Whats that? his father demands. A five pound note? Where did you get it
from? Did you steal it?

No. I earned it the boy wails.

A likely story. You stole it didnt you?

The father rises from his chair and removes the money from the boys hands.
Go to confession this instant and pray for your forgivness, you thief.

The boy relucantly trudges off to the local Church, walks in and walks up to
the confessional. Once at the door he pushes it open and finding it vacant, he
walks in, closes the door and sits down.

Oh, dark in here isnt it the boy whispers.

A voice from the other side calls out : Holy Shit, not you again

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, Howd you get a cork in your ass?

The other guy says, I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.

And I said, No shit.