Why are Polish and polish spelled the same?

– Because Webster didnt know shit from Shinola.

Disturbing product of the month:

Armour Pork Brains with Milk Gravy

Where and when bought: Ingles supermarket, Asheville, N.C., October 1995,
for 73 cents. Bonus points: That delicious milk gravy. Extra special
bonus points: Contains a mighty 1,170 percent of the U.S. recommended
daily allowance for cholesterol.

Yes, thats no typo – 1,170 percent. Suggested alternative use: Switch
label with a fruit cocktail cans for a horrific lunchbox prank. Company
defense: People loveem! piped Nancy Dedera, spokeswoman for
Phoenix-based Dial Corp., owner of Armour. But, alas, we couldnt discover
the breadth of that love, because she refused to release sales figures.
A brain-eater herself (she likes hers with hot sauce), Dedera brushed
aside concerns about the whopping cholesterol count, saying, If youre
going to eat brains, youre not going to worry about cholesterol. Good
point.

Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?

A1: So they dont shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
A2: So that when you pull their tits, they dont moo.

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies
fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo.
The woman cocked her ear, Quick! My husbands coming
through the front door! Hide in the bathroom! she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under
the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through
the bedroom door.

What are you doing lying on the bed naked? he asked.

Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to
receive you. she replied with a knowing smile.

Great, he said, Ill just nip into the bathroom and
Ill be with you in two shakes.

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where
he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

Who the devil are you! the husband demanded.

Im from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in
to get rid of these pesky moths, the lover replied.

But..but youve got no clothes on? stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and
said, The little bastards!

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Arent you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, Yes I am, I married the wrong man. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then hes finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelors degree and the woman gets her masters. A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I dont know, son, Im still paying Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesnt know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. Then there was a man who said, I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late. Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. The husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didnt notice. It doesnt matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is. A woman was telling her friend , It is I who made my husband a millionaire. And what was he before you married him. Asked the friend. The woman replied, A billionaire. God says to Adam, What would you like in a wife? Hmmm, says Adam, Id like her to be the m

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive restaurant and a really rich sheik gets out from it followed by a harem of women, and a rooster. The party is escorted to a table and given a menu.

When time to order the sheik orders for himself and the harem, and also asks for a basket of apples for the rooster. The waiter thinks it a bit strange, but does as is asked, and brings the apples for the rooster. One by one, the rooster eats all of the apples. Having

noticed this, the sheik orders another basket of apples for the rooster. Again the rooster eats all the apples.

When summoned again, the waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.

The sheik explains:

I was in the desert one day and found a lamp.

It was a bit dirty so I rubbed it to clean it.

Just as I did, out came a Genie and granted me three wishes…

My first wish was to have an endless supply of money.

My second wish was to have many beatiful women.

And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock!

Resume Bloopers from Robert Half: (These are real examples from real
resumes)

–Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: –Responsibility makes me nervous.

–They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldnt work under those conditions.

(this from Alan, one of my coworkers)


REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

–Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches.
–I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

–The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous
employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

–While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly
disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the
experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to
ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial
management as the major sphere of responsibility.

–I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

–Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
does not know I am looking for another job.

–My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

–I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

–Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

–Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

–Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.

–Work Experience: Dealing with customers conflicts that arouse.

–Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

–Im a rabid typist.

–Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

An obviously intoxicated gentleman staggers into a tavern and seats himself at the bar. After being served, he notices a woman sitting a few stools down. He motions the bartender over and says Bartender, Id like to buy that old douche bag down there a drink.

Somewhat offended, the bartender replies Sir, I run a respectable establishment, and I dont appreciate you calling my female customers douche bags.

The man looked ashamed of himself and muttered Youre right, that was uncalled for…please allow me to buy the woman a cocktail.

Thats better said the bartender and he approached the woman. Maam, the gentleman down the bar would like to buy you a drink… what would you like?

How nice! replied the woman, Ill have a vinegar and water.

It is reported that the following addition to the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic it would answer the question, Where do pets come from?

And Adam said, Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.

And God said, No problem, I will create for you a companion, that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.

And God said, No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adams guardian angel came to the Lord and said, Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility.

And the Lord said, No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him for who he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration.

And God created CAT to be a companion for Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog wagged his tail.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

How do you stop a 3 black men from raping a white woman? Throw them a basketball!

What do you call a black priest? Holy Shit!

What do you call a black woman taking birth control pills? A Humanitarian.