There was these three indians who each were going to hunt for the first time. So the first indian goes off into the horizon and comes back with a rabbit. The others are amazed and ask how did you catch that rabbit, the indian replies me go hunting, me follow tracks, me catch rabbit. The next day the 2nd indian goes off and give it a try and comes back with a buffalo, the others are astouned by this and ask how did you catch that buffalo, and he simply replies,me go hunt, me follow tracks, me catch buffalo so the third indian thinks he has what it takes and gives it a try the next day and comes back all fucked up, the others a laughing so hard at him that they wet themselves and ask how the hell did you get all fucked up like that and he replies me go hunt, me follow track, me get hit by train.

Heres the last installment of politically correct TV shows coming up in the fall TV season, complete with ratings supplied by Big Brother (offensive to the politically correct, the Clintons, AIDS, Branch Davidians, etc.):

Saturday nights shows:

Robert Reichs Money World (formerly Adam Smiths Money World): Top-down income distribution programs that really work.

Ratings: S/MU, WW, ALG.

[Robert Reich is President Clintons liberal Secretary of Labor.]

Sunday Night at the Movies:

The Program: In this new version of the 1993 Disney release, a down-on-his-luck coach (James Caan) gets the best effort possible from his talented-but-cocky players in a charity badminton match to benefit pediatric AIDS. Edited for TV.

Ratings: S/MU, RPSE.

Saturday Nite Lite:

Host: Reformed comedian Andrew Nice Clay.

Skits include humorous look at rehab clinics, an adolescent Nice Clay being picked on by the school bully, Branch Davidians as victims of second-hand smoke.

Musical guest: Recovering addict Roger Clinton.

Ratings: S/MU, PCMM.

Ratings key:

S/MU: spiritual or moral uplift;

ISS: implied safe sex;

WW: win-win solution to intractable social disease or problem;

ALG: ameliorated liberal guilt;

VATCOT: violence avoided through court-ordered therapy;

PCMM: potentially contradictory moral message;

RPSE: reinforcement of positive self-esteem.

From the April 1994 issue of Reason magazine. Copyright 1994 by the Reason Foundation, 3415 S.Sepulveda Blvd., Suite 400, Los Angeles,CA 90034.

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Arent you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, Yes I am, I married the wrong man.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelors degree and the woman gets her masters.

A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I dont know, son, Im still paying for it.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesnt know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy – we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. And the husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didnt notice it.

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wifes birthday is to forget it once.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportations driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He cant see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, Guns dont kill people. I do. >

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

A: Id probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave hello if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?

A: It would be tough to be a $@#!head all day long.

It was late one night and three guys just got done partying. So they needed to find a motel. So they find a super8 motel. They go in to the clerk and get one room because that was all that they could afford.

They get to there room and there is only one bed so quickly one guy says, I get the bed. Then another guy says, I get the bathroom. Then the last guy says, I guess I get the closet.

During the middle of the night the guy in the bed has to take a big ol shit. But he remembers the guy in the bathroom so he does his busness in the pillow case and throws it in the closet.

In the morning he gets up and checks on the guy in the bathroom. They both had a great night sleep. So they go and see their friend in the closet. When they asked how his night was he said, It was pretty good up until a white ghost jumped in and I kicked the shit out of it.

The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. This is Capt. Johnson, were on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto.

Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?

Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation.

Well, says the skipper, First Im gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then Im gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. Im gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night.

Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Shes so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag – ***splat *** and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, No need to run dearie, hes got to go for a shit first!

Three generations of hookers were sitting around the brothel one day

just talking about the business. The youngest one complained, You

know Mom and Grandma, now guys want a blow job and a fuck for $100! I

dont think I can stay in business at those prices.

Her Mom thinks for a while and says, Well dear, in my day we would

give a blow job and for only $25 and we considered ourselves lucky to

get that!

Grandma looks at her daughter and her grandaughter and says, The

both of you dont know what tough times really are. Back during the

depression we used to give blow jobs for free because we were just

glad to get something warm in our stomachs!

A Brief Guide To Religious Philosophies

Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: Shit wont happen if I work harder.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?

Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?

Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage.

Hinduism: This shit happened before.

Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: Lets smoke this shit.

I got this from another Lab attendant at work, but cant remember who.

BMW

Babbling Mechanical Wench

Beastly Monsterous Wonder

Beautiful Masterpeices on Wheels

Beautiful Mechanical Wonder

Big Money Waste

Big Money Works

Blastphemous Motorized Wreck

Born Moderately Wealthy

Break My Windows

Broken Money Waster

Broken Monsterous Wonder

Brutal Money Waster

Bumbling Mechanical Wretch

Boring Monotonous Wanker

Buick

Big Ugly Import Car Killer

Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer

Chevrolet

Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips

Chevy

Charged Heavily

Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet

Dodge

Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter

Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere

Fiat

Fucking Italian Attempt (at) Transportation

Failure in Automotive Technology

Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

Fix It Again Tony!

Ford

Fucked over rebuilt Dodge

Fucker Only Runs Downhill

Fucked on Race Day

First On Recall Day

First on race day

Fix Or Repair Daily

Found on road dead

Fraternal Order of Restored DeSotos

GM

General Maintenance

GMC

Garage Mans Companion

Generally Mediocre Cars

Get More Chicks

Got More Crap

Mopar

Most Often Passed At Races

Mostly Old Parts And Rust

Mostly Old Paint And Rust

Plymouth

Please Let Your Mother Out (from) Under The Hood!

Pussy Lips In Your MOUTH

SAAB

Stupid, Arrogant Asshole Babies

Such an arrogant bastard!

Swedish Automobile – Always Broken

TOYOTA

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

Two men are sitting in a pub talking, one mentions that its his wifes birthday soon and he doesnt know what to get her.

The second man says that he bought his wife a blue Porsche and a red Porsche for her birthday because if she didnt like the blue one, she could have the red one, and vice versa.

The next week, the second man asks the other what he finally bought his wife. He replies, a necklace and a vibrator.

Why? asks the second man.

To which the other man replies, Because if she doesnt like the necklace, she can go fuck herself.