A bus stops to let on a passenger. This attractive lady steps onto the bus and puts her right thumb to her nose and wiggles her fingers without saying a word. The bus driver puts his right thumb to his nose and his left thumb to the palm of his right hand and wiggles all eight of his fingers. The woman then looks a bit confused and in silence grabs her boobs! The bus driver in a growing lack of patience grabs his balls, the woman then turns around, grabs her ass and struts off the bus!!

A frequent passenger who sits at the front of the bus looks to the driver, and says, Tom, Ive been riding your bus for quite a few years now and Ive never seen anything as vulgar as this! Im going to have to ride a different route!

Tom, the driver looks to the woman sitting in the front seat and replies, You are mistaken, that woman was deaf. She asked me if this bus was headed for 5th. street, I said, no, 10th street. She asked if it went to the Dairy Mart, I told her that it went to the ball park and she said, shit, Im on the wrong bus and left.

Dear:

[ ] Clueless Newbie
[ ] Loser
[ ] indy.netter
[ ] Me tooer
[ ] Pervert
[ ] Geek
[ ] Spammer
[ ] Nerd
[ ] Elvis
[ ] Fed
[ ] Freak
[ ] FLAMENET
[ ] AOLer/Euronetter/PIer/MSNetter
[ ] Other: Unbearably self-righteous person

You Are Being Flamed Because:

[ ] You posted a message in a newsgroup other than your topic
[ ] You posted a binary in pieces LESS than 5000 lines
[ ] You posted a binary in a non-binaries group
[ ] You posted a Chain Letter
[ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply
[ ] You continued a long, stupid thread
[ ] You started an off-topic thread
[ ] You posted a YOU ALL SUCK message
[ ] You said me too to something or Send ______
[ ] You dont know which group to post in
[ ] You suck
[ ] You brag about things that never happened
[ ] Your sig/alias/server sucks
[ ] You posted a (phone-sex or a make money fast) ad
[ ] You posted something totally uninteresting
[ ] You crossposted
[ ] You posted a message all written in CAPS
[ ] You posted racist shit
[ ] I dont like your tone of voice
[ ] I think you might be a member of CO$
[ ] I think you might be a fed
[ ] You advertised me something not available in the UK
[ ] You junkmailed me

To Repent, You Must:

[ ] Give up your AOL/Euronet/MSN/Planet Internet account
[ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[ ] Actually post something relevant
[ ] Read the f****** FAQ
[ ] Be Pat Buchanans love slave
[ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
[ ] Apologize to everybody in this newsgroup
[ ] Post your tests to alt.test/misc.test

In Closing, Id Like to Say:

[ ] Blow me
[ ] Bite me
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Never post again
[ ] I pity your dog
[ ] I pity your cat
[ ] I pity you
[ ] Go to hell
[ ] I think your IQ must be 7
[ ] Take your s*** somewhere else
[ ] Learn to post or f*** off
[ ] Do us all a favor and jump into some industrial equipment
[ ] See how far your tongue will fit into the electric outlet
[ ] All of the above

(This article was taken from the December 1995 issue of Self magazine, written by Stephanie Dolgoff.)

SNAGs? WIPs? TODs? What do you call a man if wuss or hunk fails to cover all the subtleties of a time when everyone seems to be in therapy, scared of commitment, working through issues or just coming off a bad breakup? In the spirit of DINS (Double Income No Sex), weve compiled the essential guide to love and disfunction using acronyms to sum up the men and the mind-boggling situations that everyone has encountered while pursuing a real relationship.

SNAG

(Sensitive New Age Guy)

Searching for a sensitive guy? Be careful you dont hit a SNAG. These guys use moves theyve picked up from the _sincerely_ empathetic tupes to they , in turn, can pick up women. They walk the walk by letting you pay for dinner after yoga class, and even talk the talk – Im really concerned about how you feel – but they never really listen. Fear not; After encountering a few SNAGS, youll be able to spot the truly sensitive guy when he comes along.

WIP

(Work In Progress)

A guy with potential whom you take on knowing that youll be spoon-feeding him tips on basic social skills: If you could ask me how Im doing once in a while, that would be really great or, depending upon your standards, Honey, thats a fork. We use it to eat.

ICH

(Ill Change Him)

You have an ICH (pronounced itch) when you tend tragically toward WIPs. Best bet: Scratch the WIPs off your list and leave the ICH syndrome to someone with nothing better to do.

PG

(Probably Gay)

If hes handsome, smart, funny, unmarried and utterly uninterested in you, he gets a PG rating. Yes, its politically incorrect. No, its never 100 percent accurate. Of course, its not fair. But egos must be preserved.

TOD

(Therapy Overdose)

You know youre dating a TOD (pronounced toad) when he cant seem to stop using phrases like compulsive personality, codependency, and obsessive to justify the error of his ways or to criticize your perfectly human foibles. TODs tend to use therapy jargon to dodge responsibility, as in I recognize I have issues around monogamy, but transferring pent-up anger about your father makes me want to retreat, rather than admitting to having slept with his coworker. Again.

NIC

(Now Im Cool)

NICs are those guys who have never gotten over being considered dweebs in high school and are intent on making up for lost time by cutting a wide remantic swath through the female population. If I can date her, I must be able to get someone better, they think during the middle of your third – and final – date.

YOC

(You Ordered Coffee)

A YOC date (pronounced yuck) is one where he insists on dividing the check to the penny, according to how many fries and and cups of coffee you each consumed. He wont be sexually or emotionally generous either.

IBM

(Ideal Breeding Material)

Having just set eyes on an IBM, youre already calculating your possible genetic combinations with him and visualizing what your child would look like if he were the dad.

MOL

(My Other Line)

MOL describes the use of an actual or imagined call-waiting beep to escape a conversation. He wouldnt get off the phone, so I had to MOL him. A gross breach of telephone etiquette, but its an effective technique nonetheless.

PUP

(Pick-Up Potential)

A PUP is anyone you deep worthy of your attention. For example, you see a PUP on the stairclimber at the gym and you consider asking out for a postworkout fruit juice.

SIS

(Stud In Spandex)

A gym predator who peacocks in front of the full-length mirror, the SIS only pauses to offer to spot you when you are hoisting those arduous three-pound free weights. His interest lies in swapping sweat, not knowledge.

BOOR

(Babe Out Of Reach)

The average-looking guy who wipes the mustard off his childs shirt becomes a BOOR – instantly because hes unavailable.

She went into an hunted house and came out with an application





when she joined an ugly contest, they said Sorry, no professionals.





she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.





even Freddy Krueger has nightmares of her.





they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.





they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower





they didnt give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.





instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck





when a cop asked for her drivers license he arrested her for carrying a concealed weapon.





she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.





that she scared the shit out of the toilet.





she went to get her nose pierced & got stabbed in the ass!





when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras





her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.





the government moved Halloween to her birthday.





that if ugly were bricks shed have her own projects.





she made an onion cry.





when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours… for a quote!





she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!





she looks out the window and gets arrested!





even Rice Krispies wont talk to her!





Ted Dansen wouldnt date her!





for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!





she turned Medusa to stone!





The NHL banned her for life





people go as her for Halloween.





that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.





she scares the roaches away.





I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.





that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesnt have to kiss her goodbye.

Seen on the back of a Japanese car:

Buy American
Fuck Quality and Price

Sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies

Come and listen to my story of a man named John,

A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone.

It seems one night after gettin with his wife,

She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife.

(Penis, that is)

(Clean cut, Missed his nuts)

Well, the next thing you know, theres a ginsu by his side,

And Lorenas in the car takin Willie for a ride.

She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,

And tossed him out the window as she came around the bend.

(Curve, that is)

(Pricker shrubs, Wheel hubs)

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,

And they called out the hounds just to get his weanie back.

They sniffed and they barked and they pointed Over There,

To John Waynes Henry that was waving in the air.

(Found, that is)

(By a fence, Evidence)

Now Peter and John couldnt stay apart too long,

So the Dick Doc said, Hey, I can fix your Dong!

A needle and a thread is all youre gonna need.

And the whole world waited til they heard that Johnny peed.

(Whizzed, that is)

(Even seam, Straight stream)

Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,

With a cock-eyed lawyer since his assets came up short.

They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,

And his pecker was the only one they didnt show on tape.

(Video, that is)

(Unexposed, Case closed)

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jacks liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, Oh Jack, give me a pint o the brandy.

Sister Mary Katherine, exclaimed Jack, I could never do that! Ive never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!

Oh Jack, she responded, its only for the Mother Superior.

Her voice dropped. It helps her constipation, you know. So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was wasted.

She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superiors constipation!

Sister Mary Katherine didnt miss a beat as she replied: And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, shes going to shit!

[Heard basic joke a long time ago. Revised by me to sound better.]

A pool salesman, Hal, had to travel cross country for a meeting with one of
his suppliers. This entailed leaving his wife, Vanessa, alone for about four
days. This worried Hal, since he had caught Vanessa eyeing men on and
off for the last couple of months. He decided to go down to the mall.
They had this neat little sex shop there were he could buy her some sort
of playtoy, in hopes of diverting her sexual energy.

The next day he went there on his lunchbreak. He opens the door and is
met immediately by a little Chinese man Hewwo, how may I hep you?
Im going out of town next week, and I dont trust my wife by herself.
What can you give me to occupy her while I am gone, so she doesnt find
another man?

The little man thinks a second, and then his face lights up,Oh! I
have perfect cure for woman who be horny! He goes back through a beaded
curtain, and returns a minute later with a dusty, gray shoe-like box,
grinning from ear to ear. This exactly what you need.

Hal looks at the box, so far unimpressed. The little man opens the box
and moves over a bit into the light. Hal peers inside, and sees what looks
like an ordinary dildo. Whats so special about that? I can get that
anywhere, Hal says.

The little mans grin gets even bigger. No, No, silly American, this
Voodoo dick.

Voodoo dick. What the hell is Voodoo dick? Says Hal

You watch closely, replies the little man, and then exclaims Voodoo
dick, the door!

And to Hals amazement, the dildo slowly levitates out of the box, and
heads for the door. When it gets to the door, it lunges back and forth
and back and forth at it, reducing it to splinters until nothing is left
of it. It then returns to the box and floats gently inside.

After witnessing this, Hal, in total amazement, says, I must have it!
Its perfect! How much is it?

Two thousand dollar, says the little man.

Two thousand! Thats highway robbery! says Hal.

OK, Mr., if you no want…

No No, OK, Ill take it, concedes Hal.

Good, says the little man. Will that be cash or VISA?

Sheesh….. says Hal.

Hal gets home that evening, and his wife meets him at the door. Whats
in the box? asks Vanessa. Oh nothing says Hal.

Please tell me. Please please please….

OK, its for you, a special present. Hal says, and opens the box.
Vanessa glances inside and sees the dildo. Hal! I already have….oops,
I mean, gee what is it?

Its a Voodoo dick! When Im gone, and you get real horny, just open
this box, and say Voodoo dick – my pussy. and youll be completely
satisfied Hal says.

Hmmm….what will happen? asks Vanessa

Youll see….youll see….

Two days later, Hals on his trip. Vanessa is getting real horny. She
thinks, Gee, that man that cleans pools for Hal might be interested…nah
Ill try out this Voodoo dick thingamabob. She goes and gets the box,
opens it up, and peers inside. She sets the box down, and gets undressed
and sits back on the bed. She reaches part way into the box, and thinks for
a moment, and draws her hand back out. Voodoo dick! My pussy! she says.

Voodoo dick floats out of the box, and heads right for her crotch. It
gets to her, and enters her, lunging back and forth. She lays back on the
bed, thinking that this is the most incredible thing she has ever seen, or
*felt*. She has one orgasm, two, three, and its still going. How does she
get it to stop? Four…five…Oh gees, she thinks, I have to get this
thing to stop.

She gets up, starts for the phone, then thinks. Nah, Ill have to drive
to the hospital, theyll know how to stop it.

She puts a dress on, gets the keys to her car, and heads out, all the while
Voodoo dick is still going at her. Shes in the car driving down the road,
having her sixth, no seventh orgasm, trying to concentrate on the road.
She looks in her mirror and sees flashing red and blue. Oh shit. A damn
cop. She pulls over slowly.

The cop walks up to the car Good evening, may I see your licence, proof
of insurance, and registration please?

S-s-sure officer….its r-r-r-right h-h-here She hands it to him.

Have you been drinking tonight lady?

N-n-n-no I havent O-o-o-officer. I have to get t-t-to the h-h-hospital.

Are you sick? Whats the problem? the cop says.

I have a Voodoo dick in my pussy that wont come out.

A WHAT? the cop asks again.

A Voodoo dick…..p-p-p-please…

The cop thinks about it for a second. Now hes seen it all, he thinks.

He looks at her, and says, VOODOO DICK MY ASS!

There was a young lady from France



Who got on a bus in a trance



Everyone fucked her



Apart from the Conductor



But he came twice in his pants.

Beauty is only a light switch away.

– Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.

Ive decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.

– Houghton Library, Harvard University.Cambridge,Massachusetts.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?

– the Irish Times. Washington, D.C.

Dont trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesnt die.

– mens restroom, Murphys, Champaign, IL

A Womans Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, youre going to have trouble with it.

– womenss restroom, Dicks Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.

– mens Room, Lindas Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

– Bentleys House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere.

– written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!

– womens restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead. -Nietzsche

Nietzsche is dead. -God

– the Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

– Revolution Books. New York, New York.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldnt it be better if he had invested?

– mens restroom, American University. Washington, D.C.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

Congress!

– mens restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.