Its Holiday time. I suspect that anybody whos read rec.humor over
the last few years has probably seen this piece. Nonetheless, it
remains one of the best such bits, and for the estimated 6,000 of you
that dont read rec.humor, Im including it. It contains abusive
and obscene language, but its necessary.

As the holidays approach, I will be posting just a few jokes, mostly
Christmas related ones, as I expect most of you readers out there will
be leaving your computer terminals for airline terminals. As for me,
its my policy not to shop until the 24th. It makes it more exciting.

Remember to spend extravagantly, or youll have to listen to economists
talk about how consumer indicators are down for at least three months.
At least, thats how the mall manager explained it to me. And remember,
malls are what made America abandon its urban cores, turning them
into blighted slums that Yuppies could buy cheap. So be patronizing
to their retailers this season.

Have a good time, and wherever you go, dont forget the true meaning
of Christmas–the free travel vouchers you get when the airline bumps
you.

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 14, 1986

My Darling,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldnt have been more surprised.
Youre an angel.

With all my love and devotion,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 15, 1986

Darling,

Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine Two turtle
doves. Im delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I
love you for them.

All my love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 16, 1986

Dear Fred,

Oh! Arent you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I dont
deserve such generosity as Three French hens. They are just darling but I
must insist, youve been too kind.

Love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 17, 1986

Dear Fred,

Today the postman delivered Four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful but dont you think enough is enough? Youre being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 18, 1986

Dearest Fred,

What a surprise! The postman just delivered the Five golden rings; one
for every finger. Youre just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 19, 1986

Dear Fred,

I couldnt believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front
porch and there were Six geese a laying on my front steps. So youre back
to the birds again – huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep
them? The neighbors are complaining and I cant sleep through the racket.
I love your thoughtfulness, but –

Please Stop!

Cordially,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 20, 1986

Fred,

Whats with you and those fucking birds??? Today I received Seven swans
a swimming. What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These birds shit
all over the house and they never stop with that awful goddamn racket.
I cant sleep at night and Im a nervous wreck.

Stop your laughing damn you! Its not funny. Just knock it off with
those fucking birds, OK?????

Sincerely,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 21, 1986

OK Buster,

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with Eight
maids a milking?? Its not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids
milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is shit all over the
lawn and I cant even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!!

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 22, 1986

Hey Shithead,

What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now Ive got Nine pipers
playing and Christ do they play! They havent stopped chasing those maids
since theyve arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and theyre
stepping all over the screeching fucking birds. What the hell am I going to
do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.

Youll get yours, bastard,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 23, 1986

You Rotten Prick,

Who in hell needs Ten ladies dancing?? I cant imagine why I call these
sluts ladies. Theyve been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows
cant sleep and all the goddamn racket around here has given them diarrhea.
My living room is a river of shit! The Commisioner of Bldgs. has
subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned!

Im sicking the police on you, asshole!

One who means it!!!

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 24, 1986

Listen Fuckhead,

Whats with the Eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies??? Some
of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids,
gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodomy on the cows. All 23
birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope youre
satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!

I hate your guts, dumbshit,

Agnes

Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
December 26, 1986

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift Twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you
no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are
advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared
through this office.

I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that institution have
instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a
warrant for your arrest.

Seasons Greetings,

J. Frank Cahole
Attorney

Two old senile men roomed across from one another at a nursing home. Bill fancied himself a race car driver, and one day the nurse heard him making noises and came running to his room.



Bill, what are you doing? she cried. I just got my new Ferrari and Im taking it out for a test drive! Okay, but be careful she said and closed his bedroom door.





The next day Bill was again causing a ruckus and the nurse came to check. Bill, what are you doing? Im driving my new Ferrari to Chicago – vrrrooomm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, but be careful she said and closed his bedroom door.





The next day she heard moaning and groaning from Bobs room across the hall from Bills. She walked in to find Bob furiously masturbating. Bob, what the hell are you doing? Bob looked up and said Im fucking Bills wife while hes in Chicago.

Q. What happens when you cross a Bulldog with a Shih tzu?
A. You get Bullshit.

Two guys went hunting. The one guy went over to a stump to take a crap. He falls asleep while doing his buisness, and the other guy shoots and guts his deer. For a joke he puts the deer guts under his sleeping buddy. He walks away. Later he comes back just as the guy is pulling his pants back up. He asked him if anything exciting happened and the guy said, I shit out my intestines so I shoved them back up my ass!.

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Heres a small list…



If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee shes holding in her lap while driving,

she blames the restaurant.



If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors,

you blame the rock n roll music or musician he liked.



If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,

your family blames the tobacco company.



If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.



If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.



If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty,

you blame the government for not providing clean ones.



If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.



And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.



I guess Ill just never understand the world as it is anymore…

So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke – I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

With the immense popularity of Viagra its not surprising that the company has now started to produce versions of the drug for specific groups of customers:

Viagra Lite

For people who only want to masturbate

Viagrallium

A mix of Viagra and Vallium: if you dont get to fuck, then you dont give a fuck.

Courtesy of John Rowe

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, I want to open a fuckin checking account.

To which the lady replied, I beg your pardon, what did you say?

Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin checking account right now.

Sir, Im sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank! The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.

They both returned and the manager asked, What seems to be the problem here?

Theres no damn problem, the man says, I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin checking account in this damn bank!

I see sir. . ., the manager said, . . .and this bitch is giving you a hard time?

The other night I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized shed probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve oclock. She didnt seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said oh shit, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

Ten ways to annoy the person in the next toilet…

1. Grunt and strain really loudly for 30 seconds and then drop a rock melon into the bowl from a height of 2 m. Release a relaxed sigh.

2. Fill up a large flask with pumpkin soup. Squirt it erratically under the wall of your neighbor while yelling, Whoa! Easy big boy!

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under your neighbor’s wall. Then say, Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?

5. Say, Cmon Mr Happy, dont fall asleep on me!

6. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall where the person in the next stall can see it.

7. Say, Damn, this waters cold.

8. Say, Hmm, Ive never seen that color before.

9. Say, Interesting… more floaters than sinkers.

10. Drop a marble and say, Oh shit, my glass eye.

Running out of toothpaste

getting deodorant in your eyes



getting drunk and trying to chug a lava lamp



poorly done tattoos



gasps of amazement



puking so hard you break blood vessels in your face



white pants or shorts



hats that make your head sweat and itch



cordless phones that randomly hang up on people



heart shaped pancakes



having to reuse snotty tissues



torn shirts



striped ties



loud vaccums that dont suck at all



the word moustache



poorly designed furniture



sham celebrations



purple coats



sacrifical lambs



oversized earrings



pink staplers



bras that are impossible to get off



feng shui



rusty spikes in your bed



waking up in your own shit



Sheep stomachs used as hats



Your phone rings and before you get it, it stops.



flutes



creatures that are half man and half fawn who bounce around calling you Lucy



pimples on the palms of your hands



having to bathe in dirty water that was used to wash dogs three weeks ago



the sound of your walkman slowing down the tape youre listening to



dead people whispering at you in the night



burrowing elks who ruin your basement



dreaming that you get shot just before meeting Mike Patton



trying to touch the sky and falling down



barking dogs outside your place that bark all damn day long and then start barking at each other,



then bark at the trees, then cars, then kids, and then each other again.



open houses during the rainy season



hair gel that drips from the ceiling



dirty sinks



being cremated when you were just sleeping



having your mom wake you and you fell asleep nude, surrounded in porno magazines



and pictures of the golden girls from tv.



running out of dishes and being forced to finally do them



monkey brain bits in your sandwich



being told that thats just the way life is



lilies