A guy goes down south to be a farmer because its his life long dream. So he buys a piece of land and goes down there. Now all he needs are the animals. So he goes into a store and asks the clerk for a rooster to wake him up every morning.

The clerk says, We dont call em roosters, we call em cocks.
Okay the man says. Ill take a cock and a rabbit for the farm.

We pronounce it rubbit says the clerk.
Okay, Ill take those two things and a mule to carry them home.

We dont call em mules, we call em asses and every time the ass stops walkin, just scratch behind his ear.

So the man walks out of the store with the three animals. Hes walking home when all of a sudden the mule stops.

The man sees a lady passing by and asks, Can you hold my cock and rubbit while I scratch my ass?

There was once an African Chief. He was very constipated. After trying all the traditional medicines (shaman, witch doctor and what have you), he sent a runner to the nearest White man town to get him some White medicine to cure him.

The runner reached the White Mans village after a days run and knocked on the White doctors door. The door opened and the doctor asked, Yes?

Not being very fluent in English, the runner said, Big Chief – No Shit, Big Chief – No Shit.

The doctor understood the problem and gave him a couple of laxative tablets and said, Take to chief. Eat immediately. Drink water.

The runner took the tablets and delivered them to the Chief. The Chief swallowed the tablets and waited for a day. Still constipated, he sent the runner back to the White Mans village, asking for a bigger dose.

The runner reached the White doctors office, knocked on the door and said, Big Chief – No Shit, Big Chief – No Shit.

This time the White doctor, a little surprised that the laxatives had not done their job, sent back 4 tablets that were twice as effective as the first ones. He told the runner, Take to Chief. Swallow immediately. Drink lots of water. Eat bananas.

The runner delivered the tablest to the Chief, who immediately swallowed them. Still constipated, the agonized Chief sent the runner back, asking for more powerful drugs.

The runner reached the White doctors office in the middle of the night, knocked on the door and said, Big Chief – No Shit, Big Chief – No Shit.

The White doctor was annoyed. So he gave the runner 1 small powerful tablet. This laxative was meant for horses and told him Take to Chief. Swallow immediately. Drink lakes of water!

Several months went by and the White doctor never heard from the runner. He was intrigued as to what had happened.

One day on a safari, he came across the runner that had taken the tablets to the Chief. He immediately stopped his vehicle and asked the runner How is your Big Chief?

The runner hesitated for a moment, then spoke, Big Shit – No Chief, Big Shit – No Chief.

APPLICATION TO LIVE IN WEST VIRGINIA

Name:______________ Nickname:____________ CB Handle:____________

Address: (RFD):_________________________________________________

Daddy: (If unknown attach list of three suspects):_____________________

Mamma:_______________________________

Neck Shade: [] Light Red [] Medium Red [] Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper:______ Lower:________

Name of Pickup Owned:______________ Height of truck:__________

Truck Equipped with:
[] Gun Rack [] 4-Wheel Drive [] Confederate Flag [] Toothpick Holder
[] 8-Track [] Load of Wood [] Hijacker Shocks [] Mud-grip Tires
[] Big Dog [] Racoon Hide [] Dual CB Antenna [] Fuzz Buster
[] Spitoon [] Camper Top [] Mag Wheels [] Air Horns
[] Mud Flaps

Number of Empty Beer Cans on Floor Board of Pickup:_________

Bumper Stickers:
[] Eat More Possum [] Peanut Butter [] Honk if You Love Jesus
[] Wave if Youre Horny [] Redman Chewing Tobacco

Define the following (Must be 90% correct):
[] Grits [] Muscadine [] Cobbler [] Tater
[] Goobers [] Brogans [] Fatback [] Pig Skins
[] Collards [] Redeye Gravy [] Tote [] Pinto Beans
[] Sidemeat [] Sawmill Gravy [] Poke [] Turnip Salit
[] Chitlins [] Soppin Syrup [] Cracker [] Shit-on-Shingle
[] Ramps

Favorite Vocalist:
[] Donna Fargo [] Conway Twitty [] Loretta Lynn [] Hank Williams
[] Elvis [] Slim Whitman [] Tammy Wynette [] Porter Wagoner
[] Johnny Cash [] Willie Nelson [] George Jones [] Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation:
[] Square Dancin [] Possum Huntin [] Skinny Dippin
[] Craw Daddin [] Gospel Singin [] 4-Wheelin
[] Drankin [] Bull Chip Throwin [] Blue Grass Conventions
[] Spitten backy [] Other

Weapons Owned:
[] Deer Rifle [] Bird Gun [] Varmit Rifle [] Sawed-off Shotgun
[] Tire Iron [] Pick Handle [] Log Chain [] Power (chain) saw

Number of Hound Dogs:___ Type: [] Blue Tick [] Black & Tan [] Beagle

Emblem: [] John Deere [] CAT [] Budweiser [] McCullock Chain Saw
[] PBR [] NAPA [] Coors [] Skoals

Number of Weeks Unemployed:_____
Number of Welfare Checks Received:_____

Number of Dependents (Legal):______ (Claimed):______

Memberships:
[] KKK [] NRA [] Moose [] PTL Club [] VFW [] American Legion
[] Bass Club [] United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy

Length of Left Leg:______ Length of Right Leg:______

Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color,
Primer Red?______

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?______

How many kitchen appliances (working or not) will you keep on your front
porch?______

Will you be a part of the West Virginia Intelligentsia with a measurable
IQ?______

Do you wear mostly double knit polyester pants with snags?______

Do you own any shoes, if so how many? ______
What year did you last purchase shoes? ______

Are you married to any of the following?
[] Sister [] Cousin [] Sow Do you know her name? ______

Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?______

Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?______

Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?______

Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on? ______
To 21 with your fly up? ______

Medical Information:
Do you have at least 2 of the following:
[] BO [] Crabs [] Head Lice [] Bad Breath
[] Scabies [] Trench Mouth [] Runny Nose

Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______

Have you EVER had more than one bath in a week? ______

This is a true story published in the Chicago Tribune Travel section on Sunday, June 6, 1999 in a story entitled Choppy Skies: A White-knuckle flight on Air Zimbabwe by Gaby Plattner.

It seems that Plattner was traveling with a backpacking group through Africa as they found themselves waiting in Kariba airport for a flight to Hwange …

Our flight was delayed, so we settled down to wait. And wait. Three hours later, we were finally told the plane was ready to board. Air Zimbabwe bought many of its planes second-hand from other airlines, and the one we got into was no exception. Dirty and ancient, the mid-size jetliner was clearly one that no one else had wanted. Inside, we settled into the seats with 80 or 90 other passengers and waited. And waited some more. Finally, the pilots voice came over the loudspeaker. Were all ready to go ladies and gentlemen.

However, weve been waiting for the copilot, and he still hasnt arrived. Since weve already waited so long,were just going to be flying without a copilot today. There was a nervous buzz through the cabin. He continued, If any of you feel uncomfortable with this, feel free to disembark now and AirZimbabwe will put you on the next available flight to Hwange. Here he paused. Unfortunately, we are not sure when that will be. But rest assured, I have flown this route hundreds of times, we have clear blue skies, and there are no foreseeable problems. No one in Plattners group, doubtful as they might have been, wanted to wait any longer at Kariba for a plane that may or may not materialize, so they stayed onboard for the one-hour flight.

Once the aircraft reached cruising altitude, the pilot came on the loudspeaker again Ladies and gentlemen. I am going to use the bathroom. I have put the plane on auto-pilot and everything will be fine. I just dont want you to worry. That said, he came out of the cockpit, fastened the door open with a rubber band to a hook on the wall. Then he went to the bathroom. Plattner continues: Suddenly, we hit a patch of turbulence. Nothing much, the cabin just shook a little for a moment. But the rubber band snapped off with a loud ping! and went sailing down the aisle. The door promptly swung shut. A moment later, the pilot came out of the bathroom. When he saw the closed door, he stopped cold. I watched him from the back and wondered what was wrong. The stewardess came running up, and together they both tried to open the door. But it wouldnt budge. It slowly dawned on me that our pilot was locked out of the cockpit.

Cockpit doors lock automatically from the inside to prevent terrorists from entering. Without a copilot, there was no one to open the door from the inside. By now, the rest of the passengers had become aware of the problem, and we watched the pilot, horrified. What would he do? After a moment of contemplation, the pilot hurried to the back of the plane. He returned holding a big axe. Without ceremony, he proceeded to chop down the cockpit door. We were rooted to our seats as we watched him. Once he managed to chop a hole in the door, he reached inside, unlocked the door, and let himself back in. Then he came on the loudspeaker, his voice a little shakier this time than before. Ah, ladies and gentlemen, we just had a little problem there, but everything is fine now. We have plans to cover every eventuality, even pilots getting locked out of their cockpits. So relax and enjoy the rest of the flight!

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldnt hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and hes a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird."So youre the new stud in town? I bet you really think youre hot stuff dont you? Well Im not ready for the chopping block yet. Ill bet Im still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. Well run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "Youre on," he said, "and since Im so great, Ill even give you a head start of half a lap. Ill still win easy!" So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little — but hes still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old roosters lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap hes just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. "Damn. Thats the third gay rooster Ive bought this month."

A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.



He says, Give me two pickets to Titsburgh…umm…I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh. Hes really embarrassed…



The guy in line behind him says, Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that.



Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, Please pass the sugar, but I accidentally said…



You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life!

Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?

A: The bucket.

This is Offensive. If you do NOT want to be offended please do not read on. 😉

Poet

Dear Friends,

My name is Norm and Ive got an amazing story to tell you, a story that can make you RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!

One day I was walking down the beach and I found a lamp. Rubbing it on my sweatpants, an amazing thing happened. A genie appeared. He told me he had come to make me an AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, ONE TIME OFFER! All I had to do was piss people off and for every person who started to hate me a nickel would fall out of my ass.

Well, I was skeptical at first. I mean, come on, shitting nickels? But I decided to give it a try. I wrapped my brain around the problem to figure out how I could make as many enemies as possible in the shortest amount of time and it hit me… A chain letter, an ostensibly illegal pyramid scheme posted in totally inappropriate newsgroup hierarchies like soc.*, rec.*, alt.* any personals group, or best of all, a binaries group where text posts are TOTALLY unwanted. Well, I went back to that genie and said I needed a little incentive to get people to duplicate my annoying spam.

Yes folks, the genie listened and he has EXTENDED THE OFFER TO EVERYONE! Yes, now you too can SHIT NICKELS FOR FUN AND PROFIT! And better than that, if anyone copies the post from you and posts it themselves, NOT ONLY WILL THEY SHIT NICKELS, BUT FOR EVERY NICKEL THEY SHIT, YOULL SHIT A PENNY!

Lets look at the math with EASY TO GET responses:

With a conservative estimate of a million people on the net, assume half of those read your post and of that half, 85% of those people hate you…

Thats 21,250 – OVER TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS… RIGHT OFF THE BAT!

And those people can be used over and over again. Lets say that just one other person copies this letter from your post and reposts everywhere, getting JUST AS MANY PEOPLE PISSED OFF!!! Even if theyre the same people who got pissed off at _you_, thats still going to mean ANOTHER $4,250 DROPPING RIGHT OUT OF YOUR ASS!!!! PYRAMID SCHEMES RUN OUT, GET OVERSATURATED, EVENTUALLY THERES NO ONE LEFT… BUT THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF, UNLIMITED, THIS LETTER CAN PISS PEOPLE OFF OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AND YOULL GET RICHER EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!

Yes, with just ONE LETTER AND NO FINANCIAL INVESTMENT WHATSOEVER you can make OVER TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! Of course, youll have to clean the feces off the coins, count, and roll them. But thats nothing when you consider ALL THE MONEY THAT BEING AN ASSHOLE MADE COME OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE!

Trust me folks, it works. Its a proven fact that if you post pyramid scheme letters in all sorts of places PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU! Theyll send you mail bombs, complain to your postmaster, call you all sorts of names, BUT YOULL BE LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK WITH CRAP COVERED COINS COMING OUT OF YOUR PANTS!

Read these testimonials from a few satisfied posters!

Dear Norm,

I never thought it possible, but you were right. Ever since I posted your Shit. Nickels letter, so many people have been getting pissed at me that the nickels have just been flying out of my ass! I even made a game out of it. I set a basketball hoop up over my toilet and I just bend over and let those nickels go. For every one that makes it through the hoop, I get two points. Ive become the Michael Jordan of nickel shitters. And yesterday, I started shitting pennies. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Sincerely,

B. A. Schmuck

Fort Wayne, Indiana

Dear Norm,

Thanks again for your suggestion about lubing up with Vaseline or KY Jelly. After those thousands of nickels shooting out of it, my asshole was geting sooo sore. But Im sore no more and Im rich as Croesus to boot. Thanks for touching my life and my ass.

Yours Always,

Cherry B. Toodles

Los Angeles, California

Yes, folks, you too can become RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS! Copy this post everywhere, make people hate you, and youll shit nickels too! Send your success stories to norm@orbit.demon.co.uk and your letter might just be in the next version!

[chain letter parody; author takes no responsibility for idiots who repost this and cannot be held liable for any nickel shitting related injuries]

A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter,

Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. Ive never had three girls at once and I need something to keep me horny… keep me potent.

The chemist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label Viagra Extra Strength and says,
If you take this, youll go mental for 12 hours.

Very happy and excited, the man says, Gimme three boxes.

The next day the man walks into the same chemists shop, right up to the same chemist and pulls down his pants. The chemist looks in horror as he notices the mans cock is swollen, black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, Gimme a tube of Deep Heat.

The chemist replies, Deep Heat? Youre not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?

The man says, No, its for my arms. The girls didnt show up.

A whorehouse, coffeehouse, bookstore, and dentist all exist in the same two story building on the south side of boston, with the bookstore/dentist beiing on the first floor and other two above.

They all start business on the same date.

Q: Which one will go out of business first?

A. The bookstore, cuz theres too much fucking overhead.