A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke routine when a huge, drunk polack confronted him, Im sick of your polack jokes and Im going to knock the shit out of you. Im sorry, it was all in good fun, replied the comedian. The polack retorted, I was talking to little asshole on your knee."

Little Johnny is in class and the teacher is at the chalk board. She turns to the class after putting the letter S on the board. Ok class, I would like someone to give me a word that starts with the letter S. Johnny raises his hand and says Me me me me.

The teacher says to herself no way. hes so fouled mouth he will say shit or something.

So she calls on Suzzy. Suzzy says Sunflower.

Very good Suzzy. Then she outs the letter f up on the board little Johnny wonce again is saying ME me me. She says Franklin give me a letter thats starts with the letter F.

Franklin says funny teacher.

Very good Franklin.

This went on for most of the class. Finally she put the letter R up on the board. Johnny sat scratching his head like he was thinking real hard. She thought alright I got him.

Johnny can you give me a word that starts with the letter R?. Yes. Johnny says.

Rats. teacher.

Very good Johnny.

Then he said big fucking rats three foot long with sixteen in harry dicks.

The teacher faintede.

Two Southern belles were having a picnic in a park. The first one says, See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me.

The second one says, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

The first one says, And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me.

The second one says, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

The first one says, And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me.

The second one says, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

The first one says, Oh my stars, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what does your husband do for you?

The second one says, Well, my husband sent me to charm school.

The first one says, Charm school? Why on earth would he do that?

The second one says, Because I used to say, Who gives a fuck, but now I say, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude.Harriet, shes a prostitute.I dont believe you. That sweet young thing?Lets go up to our room and Ill prove it.In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for Bambi to come to room 1217. Now, he said, you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK? Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, How much do you charge? $125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services. Even George was taken aback. $125! I was thinking more in the range of $25. Bambi laughed derisively. You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.Well, said George, I guess we cant do business. Goodbye. After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, I just cant believe it! George said, Lets forget it. Well go have a drink, then eat
dinner. At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, See what you get for $25?

Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to it as that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis.

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled All Men Are Idiots. Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and Ill never forgive you, and I hate you, and youre a total floozy. But I want you to know that theres always a chance for us. This is known as the I Hate You / I Love You drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Admitting Mistakes: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical womans bathroom is

437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Womens Restrooms always have long lines.

Cameras: Men take photography very seriously. Theyll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women arent looking, men kick cats.

Cheerleaders: Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.

Comedy: Lets say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, mans favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

David Letterman: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Directions: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, Looks like Ive found a new way to get there. and, I know Im in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store.

Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Eating out: When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though its only for $

22.

50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Garages: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she **will** be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup…

Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampetts car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their is with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their ps and gs. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when shes dumping you, shell put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Hats: Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.

Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and thats it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of Love, American Style.

Leg Warmers: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if shes walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the Gimme the Ball number in A Chorus Line.

Locker Rooms: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they dont know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room, sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Low Blows: Lets say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says Oh, gee. That must have hurt. The man groans and doubles over, and actually *feels* the pain.

Magazines: Mens magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Womens magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked womans body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree ofthese changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction; he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather drivin gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

Mirrors: Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiolas head.

Moustaches: Some men look good with moustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with moustaches.

Movies: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because most movies in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in Gone With the Wind. For men, its when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in May Clarks face in Public Enemy.

Nicknames: With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like Ultimate Pecs and Big Turk, women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Plants: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Politics: Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

Restrooms: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms associal lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Womenwhove never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, Hey, Bob, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?

This difference may be due to the fact that women dont have to hold their genitals in the bathroom, which might make one feel self-conscious. Not having this problem, women can chat away quite comfortably while powdering their noses. And yes, they are talking about men in their chats.

Another theory is that when women powder their noses, all they have to do is sit there. What else is there for them to do but talk to other women. Men, however, must be much more attentive to such matters. If a male turns too much to talk to someone, hell be leaking on his shoe. Men must be very serious and patient because heaven only knows if the stream of urine will suddenly change direction. And after all is done, men must try to remove any excess moisture unless he soils his underwear. And unlike women, there is no tissue paper nearby with which to wipe. A man must use his own skills at towel snapping to do the job. But no man wants to shake it forever because he might look like hes playing with himself. The shaking routine also varies culturally as most men inthe U.K. are pullers as opposed to shakers. Of course, no matter how much a man shakes or pulls, chances are still good that hell get that little dribble down the leg, which will expand to the size of Lake Ontario if he is wearing synthetics.

After the shaking or pulling comes the tucking-it-all-back-in routine, where the male tries to not leave anything delicate in the path of the approaching zipper. As the men are all leaving the restroom, trying to button up their Levis, they are still trying not to look as if theyre playing with themselves. For a man, a trip to the bathroom is a very serious matter. You wouldnt gossip and chatter at a board meeting would you?

For the male, there are also the considerations like seeing how far up the trough he can pee, bombing the cigarette butt, peeling off the killer fart that he didnt want to loose off at the bar and, his favorite, making that grunt/sigh noise as the first gush lets go, sort of a Nnnngwwwwwaaaaa. Actually, thats about the time the first fart goes too.

Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Sex: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Sports Arenas: Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.

Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.

Examples of mens toys: little miniature TVs, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 D batteries to operate. However, the only toys women still keep around when they grow up still require batteries, only few in number and smaller in size.

Underwear: Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.

Weddings: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the ceremony. Men talk about the bachelor party.

A famous magician had a thundering finish to his act. He would fill a large bowl with shit and proceed to slurp it noisily, to the amazement of his audience.

One night he had just begun the wow finish of his act when he stopped in his tracks. Go ahead, said the stage manager. Eat the shit, eat the shit!

I just cant do it, said the magician. Theres a hair in it!

A short guide to comparative religions:



Taoism : Shit Happens.

Buddhism : If shit happens its not really shit.

Islam : If shit happens it is the will of Allah

Protestantism : Shit happens because you dont work hard enough.

Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism : This shit happened before.

Catholicism : Shit happens cuz you are bad.

Hare Krishna : Shit happens rama rama.

T.V. evangelism : Send more shit.

Atheism : NO shit!

Jehovahs witness : Knock Knock Shit happens.

Hedonism : Theres nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science : Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesnt.

Existentialism : What is shit anyway?

Stoicism : This shit doesnt bother me.

Rastafarianinsm : Lets smoke this shit.

That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
Do you want to see something swell?
Hey babe… do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
Drop em!
What do you like for breakfast?
Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
Wanna fuck like bunnies?
Say, did we go to different schools together?
Why dont you come over here, sit on my lap and well talk about the first thing that pops up?
I had a friend who used to hand out phone cards that said: Smile if you
want to sleep with me. And watch them try to hold back their laugh.
Hi, my name is [your name], how do you like me so far?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?
Hey baby, lets go make some babies.
At the office copy machine. Reproducing, eh? Can I help?
Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels now!
Hey babe… can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
Hey babe… can you suck start a Harley?
Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, I
knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum.
Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? Hey! Whats wrong, dont you like pizza?
A woman asks, Excuse me, do you have the time?

You, Do you have the energy?
Hey babe, wanna get lucky!?
Say mother, want another? (If she has kids.)
Bond. James Bond.
Do you spit or swallow?
You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book… So whats one more?
Your place or mine?
Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.
Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
Your face or mine!?
Are you ready to go home yet?
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
When she asks for a match, say, How about the hair on my head and the hair
between your legs?
Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Lets play gynecologist.
Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.
I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
Im on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
Id look good on you.
Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
Id give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.
I would kill or die to make love to you.
Sex is a killer… want to die happy?
I love every bone in your body – especially mine.
Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
Hi! Can I buy you a car?
Now, bitch!
Fancy a fuck?
My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?
Im new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
Fuck me if Im wrong, but isnt your name Gretchen?
Im Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?
Was your father a thief? Because someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Look at the tag in her shirt and say, I want to see if you were really made
in heaven.
Do I know you from somewhere, because I dont recognize you with your clothes on?
You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?
Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Have you ever had your
belly-button licked? (Yes.) From the inside?
Your legs must be tired because youve been running through my mind all night.
If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let
me spend some time up between the holidays?
Hi, how are you?
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) Because I could see myself in your pants.
Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.
Hi, my name is [your name], I like peanut butter, wanna fuck?
I am a magical being, take off your bra.
Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?
Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation?
(No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk?
Hold out two fingers and say, Why should a women masturbate with these two
fingers? (I dont know.) Because theyre mine, sweetheart.
Im a hurdle, do you want to jump me?

Heard from a friend:

Two men are approaching eachother on a sidewalk. Both are dragging
their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the
other knowingly, points at his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969.

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, Dog shit, 20 feet back.

A Chinese man walks into a bar and on seeing the bar man is black shouts: Gimme a jigger Nigger.

The black man tells him how that wasnt a nice thing to say, and how would he like the same treatment. The Chinese man explains he wouldnt give a shit, so the black man says okay, you get behind the bar, and well try it again. So the Chinese man gets behind the bar and the black guy goes outside.

After a few seconds the black man comes in and says, Gimme a drink Chink.

The Chinese man stares at him and says Fuck off, we dont serve niggers.