A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

Now, do you see that tree over there? he asked.

YES, YES, YES!! the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

Good! said the first bat, Because I fucking didnt!

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man:

Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well its built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands, piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder?

Nooo…

Then the old man points out the window.

Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo…

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

But ya fuck one sheep . . .

The following our signs seen overseas where the actual message of the signs became somewhat lost in the english translation.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Belgrade elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 & 11 am daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox Monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel for skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On a menu in a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On a menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firms own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion.

In a Tokyo hotel:
Please take advantage of the chambermaids.

In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

In a Hong Kong dress shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of the Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the porter.

In Germanys Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men & women, live together in one tent unless they are married for that purpose.

An ad by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

A Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin.

On a box of a clockwork toy in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushu, Japan:
Stop—Drive sideways.

Swiss mountain inn:
Special today–no ice cream.

Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

A notice in a Japanese hotel (ca. 1950):
Please not to steal towels. If you are not person to do such, please not to read notice.

Office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but youll find that they are best in the long run.

Japanese instructions on an air conditioner:
Cooles & Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking. Here speeching American.

A sign on the lion cage at a zoo in the Czech Republic:
No smoothen the lion

A Finnish hotels instructions in case of fire:
If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.

In a Japanese restaurant (ca. 1950):
We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone.

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
2. Can I borrow a quarter? [What for?] I want to call my mom and tell I just
   met the girl of my dreams.

   OR:

   I want to call your mother and thank her.

3. Is your daddy a thief? [No.] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the
   stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say
   yes.]

4. Youre so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what
   I want?

6. Lets go to my place and do the things Ill tell everyone we did anyway.
7. The word of the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the
   word.

8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow
   morning.

10. My names [your name]. Thats so you know what to scream.
11. My names [your name], but you can call me lover.
12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
13. Can I flirt with you?
14. Your daddy must have been a baker, cause youve got a nice set of buns.
15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, What are you doing?:]

    Checking to see if you were made in heaven.

    OR:

    Checking to see if youre the right size.

16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
17. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
18. Fuck me if Im wrong, but dont you want to kiss me?
19. I like every bone in your body, especially mine.
20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
22. Can I have directions? [To where?] To your heart.
23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, Id put U and I together.
24. How about you sit on my lap and well see what pops up?
25. Do you know whatd look good on you? Me.
26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
27. So… How am I doin?
28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
30. The first time is always the hardest.

A pilot invited is friend to a flight in a small plane. They each brought girls to the flight.

As they been in the air, a strange sound came from the engine and the plane started to swing from side to side. So the pilot whispered to is friend: – There is a serious problem with the airplane. We are going to crash. There are only two parachutes in the plane … so grab one and lets save ourselves.

But what about the girls? – asked the friend.

Fuck the girls – answer the pilot with a scorn tone.

… You think we still have the time for that?

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, Thats it for you. No honey for a week.

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week.

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boys mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, Should I tell her or should you?

1 Man: Havent we met before? Woman: Yes, Im the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.

2 Man: So, wanna go back to my place? Woman: Well, I dont know. Will two people fit under a rock?

3 Man: Id really like to get into your pants. Woman: No thanks. Theres already one asshole in there.

4 The rebuttal to a turn-down: Man: Want to Dance? Woman: No thanks. Man: Dont thank me, thank God because somebody asked you.

5 Man: Id like to call you. Whats your number? Woman: Its in the phone book. Man: But I dont know your name. Woman: Thats in the phone book too.

6 Man: So what do you do for a living? Woman: Female impersonator.

7 Man: You know, Id really love to travel to exotic places with you. Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that? Woman: Hmmm…you really love sex and travel? Man: (nods his head smiling) Woman: Then go take a fuckin hike!!!

8 I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2×4 with your hard-on? To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, Well, a girls gotta have her standards.

9 Man: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?) Woman: Je voudrais bien, mais je nai rien a porter. (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear

10 Q: What sign were you born under?

A: No Parking.

11 A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, Sorry, I dont see any potential here and nonchalantly walks off.

12 And heres one including the correct snappy return Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized, fuck off!

13 After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: I like your approach, now lets see your departure.

14 A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60s approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, Where have you been all my life? She took one glance at him and said, For the first half of it, I probably wasnt born yet.

15 A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, What are you looking at? My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken.

16 While at college, a few friends were discussing how their passes had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once… When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, Hey, come on, were both here at this bar for the same reason! She responded, Yeah! Lets pick up some chicks! He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.

17 The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move. Im here, he breathed huskily, to fulfill your every sexual fantasy. The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, Youve got a large donkey or Doberman?

18 Sorry, I dont date outside my species.

19 Man: Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time. Woman: You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body cant cash.

The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup.

It makes men cocky and women lay better.

The following is taken from a Telephone Subscriber News Release dated January 14, 2002. Unfortunately, it has been determined that many computer users have not received this notice; therefore, I am forwarding it to you as a public service.

As you may have heard, the telephone company has been experiencing problems lately with busy signals, noise on the line, etc. They have determined that only an emergency cleaning of the lines will resolve these problems.

This maintenance has been scheduled for next Sunday (January 24, 2002), beginning at 6:00 A.M., and lasting most of the morning hours. (Strange, they usually do this operation right at the beginning of April).

PREPARE NOW FOR THIS MAINTENANCE OPERATION.

A lot of dust comes from the phones when the phone company cleans the lines. They usually send notices warning us to put plastic bags over the phones.

Telephone wires are like heater ducts, little empty tubes that carry your voices vibrations to the person youre calling. When the phone company cleans them, they send little cockroaches through them with feather dusters attached to their backs. The dust that is not picked up by the feather dusters is stirred up and comes out the little holes in the mouthpiece. Please dont take this issue lightly!

Before you allow the telephone company to clean out your phone lines, you should know that there is a serious side-effect to having the phone company blow or clean out your lines. If there is a weak spot in the insulation anywhere between the central office and your phone, it can cause an insulation break in your phone line. Through this break, solder ants can enter thus causing an infestation, especially when the insulation break is close to your house.

For the uninformed, solder ants, a close cousin to the leaf-cutter ant, crawl through the phone lines and attack the soldered connections in phone equipment, answering machines, telephones, modems, digital satellite receivers (plugged into a phone jack) and home computers, especially those using an internal modem. They eat the solder off of joints causing cold solder joints and opens. Symptoms of a solder ant infestation are the crackling and popping sounds heard on your phone, spurious reboots on your computer and wrong numbers/incomplete calls on your phone. (Remember the electrical outage that affected nearly the entire western United States several years ago? It was caused by solder ants).

Three known ways to combat this pest are as follows …

Cracks in your phone line insulation, the cause of solder ant infestations, are caused by excess slack in cables between the central office and your home. This slack causes excessive bending of the insulation on your phone lines thus causing cracks thus allowing solder ants to enter. In order to correct this, insist that the phone company pull all the slack out of your lines from the central office end. This is not widely known, but the telephone companies must do this at no charge to the subscriber requesting it. Lobbying by the companies prevented them from having to do this automatically.

Four to six inches from the device (phone, modem, etc.) tie a tight knot in the phone cord to prevent solder ants from exiting to your equipment (Make sure you loosen the knot when the lines are blown out!). This also has the added benefit of preventing lightning from destroying your equipment. It is a known fact that lightning must travel in a straight line and it cannot make it around the bends of a tight knot tied in your phone cord. This is a little known fact that companies such as APC, who make surge suppression equipment, do not want you to know.

Insist that the phone company flush your lines instead of blow them out. Chemicals contained in the flushing solution ward off solder ants and are just as effective in cleaning out your lines. The only problem is that once notified that your lines are to be flushed, you have the responsibility of unplugging all telecom devices and leaving the phone cord ends extended in to some type of bucket to capture the flushing solution. Otherwise the solution will drain all over your equipment and require professional cleaning. An environmental note: Smaller, less well-financed telcos use cheaper, older, more dangerous flushing solutions. The residue left from line flushing must be dealt with the same way you would deal with any petroleum based solvent. The easiest way to get around this is to insist that your telephone company use environmentally friendly subscriber line flushing solvents.

Warning: Do not attempt to blow out the lines yourself or try to look into a line that is being blown clean. You could destroy your phone equipment or injure yourself. It is best left to the experts. I have been in the telephone business for twenty-two years. I know what I am talking about!

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jacks liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o the brandy.""Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! Ive never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!""Oh Jack," she responded, "its only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superiors constipation!"Sister Mary Katherine didnt miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, shes going to shit!"