A priest, a rabbi, a minister, three Laotian monks, Hitler, Jesus and Joseph Stalin walk into a bar, the bartender asks What the fuck is this? Some kind of joke?

You think you got it bad.

All night long, soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, nasty dogs, shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow, damn near get killed by a 747, Mrs. Claus pissed off cause I got in too late.

AND THAT ISNT ALL

Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph got the shits over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The damn elves wont clean the sleigh unless I pay them double time.

I am so SICK of cookies and milk I could vomit. The only highball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of the sleigh.

My prostate is giving me hell. I pissed my pants at 20,000 feet and froze to the seat, Im allergic to pine needles and itch all over, and I think my hemorrhoids are back.

HO! HO! HO! HO!

Merry Christmas, my ass!!!

Well this will probably fill my mail box with flames but well the title warns you…

Q: Did you know why they havent found a cure for AIDS yet?

A: They cant get the mice to butt fuck.

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, I never know how to handle the situation when Im asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice? The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

50 Ways To Confuse Your Roommate

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.

2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

3. Twitch a lot.

4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

6. Become a subgenius.

7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

9. Speak in tongues.

10. Move you roommates personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

11. Walk and talk backwards.

12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, Theyre more than meets the eye.

14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. The Road Warrior, Repo Man, Casablanca,) almost inaudibly.

15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.

17. Chain yourself to your roommates bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in just for a couple of weeks.

20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.

21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

22. Eat glass.

23. Smoke ballpoint pens.

24. Smile. All the time.

25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.

26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.

27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommates desk. Include a list of grievances.

29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

31. Dye all your underwear lime green.

32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommates closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommates parents (postage due).

36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with Didja ever wonder why…. Be creative.

41. Shave one eyebrow.

42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter Gotta save space, twenty times while twitching violently.

43. Put horseradish in your shoes.

44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

45. Always flush the toilet three times.

46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovics Pennsylvania Polka, and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that its an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

48. Give him/her an allowance.

49. Listen to radio static.

50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

Heard this from a friend of a friend…

A guy walks into a bar and walks up to the bartender, slams his fist down on
the bar and says, Im Neil Brown. Im six foot four, three hundred pounds. I
have a fourteen inch cock, and I want a beer! Hearing this, the bartender
faints dead away.

Some people in the bar run to help the bartender. As he is
being revived, he looks up at Neil and says, What did you say? Once again
the man exclaims, Im Neil Brown. Im six foot four, three hundred
pounds. I have a fourteen inch cock, and I want a beer! The bartender then
stands, looking much relieved and says, Oh, Im sorry, I thought you said
kneel down.

yo mama like a bag of potato chips

fri-to-lay









yo mama like a tv even a 2 year old can turn





her on.









yo mama like a shotgun one cock and she





blows.









yo mama so slutty she can suck start a





harley.









yo mama like home depot 4 cents a screw.









yo mama so dark she has to wear white gloves







when she eats a tootsie roll so she doesnt







eat her fingers.









yo mama so dark she spits yoo-hoo.









yo mama so bald she gets brainwashed every







time she showers.









yo mama so hairy they filmed gorillas in the







mist in her shower.









yo mama like a screen door, old, banged up







and loose.









yo mama so fat she puts on lipstick with a







paint roller.









yo mama so poor she cant afford to pay







attention.









yo mama so fat you gotta roll over twice to







get off her.









yo mama so fat she got her own area code.









yo mama so fat she uses a vcr for a beeper.









yo mama teeth so yellow i cant believe its







not butter.









yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to







watch 60 minutes.









yo mama so little she can hoola hoop with a







cheerio.









yo mama so little she can hang glide on a







dorito.









yo mama so short you can see her feet on her







drivers license.









yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and







turned it into 4 quarters.









yo mama so old i told her to act her age and







the bitch died.









yo mama so stupid she went into the zoo and







started singin we are family.









yo mama so stupid she sits on the tv and







watches the couch.









yo mama so fat she got more chins than a







chinese phone book.









yo mama so fat she got more rolls than a







bakery.









yo mama so fat she put on her yellow jacket







and people started callin out taxi.









yo mama so poor i stepped in her house and







tripped over the back yard fence.









yo mama so greasy she uses bacon as a







band-aid.









yo mama so greasy she sweats crisco.









yo mama like a door nob every one gets a







turn.









yo mama so stupid she locked herself in the







bath room and peed her pants.









yo mama so dirty she wipes her feet to go







outside.









yo mama so fat she stepped of a curb and





went straight to hell.









yo mama so hairy you were born with rug





burn.









yo mama breath so stank whenever she talks





her teeth duck for cover.







yo mamma is so fat that she has to take a bath in the niagra falls.







yo mamma is like a lemonade stad 10 per squeeze.







yo mamma is so fat when she wheres a blue t shirt the air plane crashes into her.







yo mamma is so fat she uses a satelite for a beeper.







(day after haloween.)yo mamma is so ugly every one says its already haloween?







yo mamma is so ugly a person discovers her a animal

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. (P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: Thats what theyre there for.P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect youre right.P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Little Jonny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said,
Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Luke what he wants Santa to bring him. If He cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gifts or gifts he requests.

Two days before Christmas, Lukes father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

I want a damn teddy bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.

On Christmas morning, little Luke woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.

When Luke walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, What did Santa bring you this year?

Luke replied, I think I got a dog but I cant find the son-of-a-bitch!

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. Daddy, what are those two spiders doing? she asked.

Theyre mating, her father replied.

What do you call the spider on top, Daddy? she asked.

Thats a daddy longlegs. her father answered.

So, the other one is a mommy longlegs? the little girl asked.

No, her father replied. Both of them are daddy longlegs.

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. Well, were not having THAT sort of shit in our garden.