A Pakistani walked into a pet shop in London and asked for two bales of hay
to feed to his elephant. The shop assistant said, Sorry sir, we dont
serve Pakistanis unless you have proof that you have a pet. Youll have to
bring your elephant in. To which the poor man replied, I am wanting to
know isnt it. What is this reason that you do not serve me? The shop
assistant replied, Because you might eat the pet food yourself.

The next day the man walks into the pet shop and confronts the shop
assistant with his elephant. Two bales of hay please.

A few days later, the guy is in again. I am wanting isnt it. To buy a
sack of peanuts for my monkey, yes, yes.

Sorry sir, we dont serve Pakistanis. Bring your monkey in because you
might want to eat the pet food yourself.

Next day, he walks in with this huge grey baboon with a bright red arse
and demands, I am wanting a sack of nuts isnt it!

A few more days pass and the fellow walks in asking for some raw meat
for his tiger. The same response, Sorry sir, we dont serve…

Next day hes in with his tiger. This goes on for a while then one day he
walks in and he has this little box in his hands. The box has a small hole
in the top.

Please be putting your finger into this little hole.

Im not going to do that! the shop assistant responds.

Oh! Please, a thousand begging pleases. Please put your finger into the
hole in this little box.

No! Ive no idea what is in there!

Oh! by the hairy balls of Moloch it is being indeed very very important
to me that you put your finger into this hole.

Oh, all right

She sticks her finger into the hole and then removes it. She looks at
the brown muck and says…

Shit!

Two toilet rolls please!

…when faced with a difficult decision, you begin searching frantically for a Save Point.
…whenever youre confused, you check the guidebook to see what to do next.
…if youre about to get into a fight, you try to look up your opponents HP.
…youre always peering into seemingly empty corners in search of hidden Draw Points.
…your dating policy is: if you arent polygonal, you arent my type.
…you think that large facial scars make people look intriguing.
…you tape a squirt gun onto your pocket knife, and go after your sisters iguana.
…you can pronounce words like @*#!!, ****
and … … ….
…when you laugh, you really do say mwa ha haa, and it actually frightens people.
…your collection of homemade Final Fantasy costumes arent just for Halloween.
…you have constructed a perfect replica of Clouds Buster Sword.
…you have to work out constantly, because that Buster Sword is just as heavy as it looks.
…you feed your pet cockatiels Zeio nuts in hopes of getting a gold one.
…your cockatiels can talk, but all youve taught them to say is wark.
…your parrot, whose cage is next to the TV, knows the lyrics to Eyes On Me by heart.
…you practice sinister facial expressions
in front of the mirror.
…facial hair on men is a turnoff.
…when your boss mispronounces your name, you threaten to rip his lungs out.
…you refuse to go to the circus, because youre deathly afraid of clowns.
…you laugh like Kefka.
(Uweeheeheeheehee!)
…you are arrested at the zoo for trying to sit on the ostriches.
…you never sleep in your bed—only in a small, square tent on the floor.
…youre depressed, because you know the only real men with silver hair are old and wrinkly.
…the hairspray company has started blocking your calls, because they are tired of you asking them to put Sephiroth in their commercials.
…when someone bothers you, you say s

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.



We cant see each other anymore…. she sobbed.



Why? gasped Declan.



Daddy says crabs are too common, she wailed. He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean… and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways.



Declan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her fathers side, inconsolable.



Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor…and all could see that he was walking not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!



Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke…………..







Fuck, Im pissed.

An Israeli womans fight with a stubborn cockroach put her husband in the hospital with burns, a broken pelvis and broken ribs, the Jerusalem Post newspaper reported yesterday.

The woman, frightened by the insect when she found it in their living room, stepped on it, threw it in a,toilet and sprayed a full can of insecticide on it when it refused to die.



Her husband came home from work, went to the toilet and lit a cigarette.



When,he threw the cigarette butt into the bowl, the insecticide fumes ignited, seriously burning his sensitive parts, the Post wrote.



When paramedics were called to the home in Tel Aviv, they laughed so hard when they learned what had happened that they dropped the stretcher down the stairs, breaking the unidentified mans pelvis and ribs.

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, Jeez, Id really like to dance with that girl.

The other man replies, Well go ahead and ask her, dont be a chicken shit.

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, Im sorry. Right now Im contemplating on matrimony, and Id rather sit than dance.

So the man humbly returns to his friend So what did she say?

asks the friend.

The drunk responded, She said shes constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants.

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: You know, one of these days the passengers arent going to scream, and were gonna get killed!

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to, Where do pets come from?

Adam said, Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I dont see you anymore. Im lonesome here and its difficult for me to remember how much you love me.

And God said, No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.

And God said, No problem, because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you. His name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.

And Adam was comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adams guardian angel came to the Lord and said, Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.

And the Lord said, No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.

And Adam was pleased.

And the Dog was pleased.

And the Cat didnt care one way or the other.

Although Cupid got all the girls hot,

a great lover himself he was not.

They would say, Sorry, sport,

but your arrows too short–

What we want is what Hercules got.

—————

Euphemism is all very well,

but if I really am going to hell,

Id rather it be

for lechery,

not for loving the ladies too well.

————-

Junos measure of fury was full,

but Zeus had a trick he could pull.

He said, Surely, my dear,

whatever you hear

from Europa is all cock and bull.

—————-

Oh a pussys a timorous beast,

needing petting and patience at least,

but shell alter completely,

if handled quite sweetly,

and sit up and roar when shes greased.

More shit you hate about working at Mickey Ds:

People who pay for their food, and then decide they want no onions.

People who cant see condiments right in front of them, and ask you for them.

People who stare at you while you make their sandwich, as if your going to spit in it.

People who want FRESH fries, theyre only fresh for about ten seconds.

People who ask for a water at the second window while your wrapped around the building.

People who get a water, and then get a friggin drink right in front of you. Come on retards, were watching you.

People who think they can pay for their order with a fuckin check.

People who cant accept the fact that we dont like you.

People who leave theyre god damn trays on their god damn table. I AM NOT YOUR MAMA, SO PICK UP YOUR OWN SHIT!

People who cant take the liner out of their trays. Come on people, give us some help.

People who wish to speak to the manager, and get mad when we ask which one they would like to talk to.

People who think we have a 99 cent menu, it a god damn dollar menu bithces!

People who ask for something that we havent had in months.

People who ask for a sandwich with no meat, its kind of a waste of our time.

People who dont understand the concept of late night menu.

People who ask for breakfast shit in the middle of the day.

People who actually stand outside our doors when beat on the door, hoping to come in a use the bathroom. Youre not getting it!!!

People who order shit from other stores. We dont have Whoppers or Tacos.

People who prank phone call us in the middle of a business rush.

People who dont have enough money, and pull off without their shit.

People who cant wait in line long enough to get their shit, and pull off.

People who actually wait at the entrance, because its so packed, for more than ten minutes, just for some of our food.

More to come

Two lawyers met at a cocktail party late one night.

How’s business? asked the first.

Rotten, replied the other. Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there were already two other lawyer hanging on to the bumper.