[Ed: Recently somebody on rec.humor posted the famous ultimate
final exam posting once again. Well, this poster came up with
some actual worthwhile answers. Here they are.]

Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time
limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

[Ed: The full test can be found in the Joka-Cola Classic section.]

PUBLIC SPEAKING. 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom.
Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

The proper response is:
Gday mates! Yahoo Serious will be out in a few moments. While youre
waiting, Ill just throw a few shrimp on the barby for ya, and you
can help yourselves to a few pots of Fosters. Right? Right.

SOCIOLOGY. Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the
end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

The only problems would be from the car sales people and lawyers on why
they cant get to the promised land. The lawyers will try to appeal,
and the sales people will try to finance or trade one another (for less
than blue book) to get in.

ENGINEERING. The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been
placed in your desk. You will also find an instruction manual printed in
Swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the
room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify
your decision.

Call management in room. Inform management that engineering has had
enough of cleaning up after sales demos and will not tolerate this shit.
Storm out of room leaving bewildered management to deal with dissasembled
rifle and hungry tiger. I mean, if management had been on the ball, the gun
would be assembled and the tiger would have been fed.

POLITICAL SCIENCE. There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.
Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if
any.

Inform Kremlin that our entire nuclear arsenal accidentally launched
towards them.
This should start a major skirmish. After the exchange and near total
destruction of the world, the only socio-political effect will be if we
have enough shrimp and Fosters for the Aborigines who are still waiting
for Yahoo Serious (they seemed to think that the big flash and noise was
another Serious invention).

EPISTEMOLOGY. Take a position for or against the truth. Prove the validity
of your position.

I speak the truth. Everything I say is a lie.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE. Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Life is a scam.

EXTRA CREDIT. Define the Universe. Give three examples.

Time is relative.
Time is money.
Money is relative.
Relatives cost money.
Time is relative, and dont let your relatives spend too much
time (or money).

ex 1: Aunt Irma visits.
ex 2: Aunt Irma wont leave.
ex 3: You wind up buying Aunt Irma a 1 way ticket to
anywhere. Thus depleting your vacation fund. Now you must
go back to work.

Joke found on http://www.dupyup.com

A reporter went to the local mental hospital to do a story on some of the patients and their ailments. As she was being led around by the nurse she noticed a patient in his room running a few steps swinging his arm forward underhanded as though he was throwing something then he hollered, SPARE! He again did this only this time hollered, STRIKE! She asked him what he was doin and he said, Oh, I’m just bowling.

They continued the tour and now she noticed another patient who was swinging both arms as though he was holding a bat and saying, Strike one, strike two, etc. She asked what he was doing and he said, Just playing baseball.

As they continued on again this time she saw a man sitting in a chair naked with a hard-on and he was balancing a peanut on the end of his dick.

She had to ask, And what the hell are you doing?

He said, Me, oh, Im just fucking nuts!

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldnt hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, theyre trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. Ive got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, So youre the new stud in town? I bet you really think youre hot stuff, dont you? Well, Im not ready for the chopping block yet. Ill bet Im still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. Well run around it ten times and whoever finishs first gets to have all the hens for himself.



Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. Youre on, said the young rooster. And since I know Im so great, Ill even give you a head start of half a lap. Ill still win easy, said the young rooster.



So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little but hes still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old roosters lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap hes just barely in front of the young rooster.



By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.



As he walks away slowly, he says to himself . . . Damn, thats the third gay rooster Ive bought this month.

what do you call a chineese shit shoveler?

There was this little kid and he was watching his mother put on makeup. She messed up and said shit. The little boy asked his mother what does shit mean? She told him it was another word for makeup.


So then he went into his teenage sister Tinas room and she was talking on the phone about condoms. The little boy asked her what a condom was and she told him its another word for clothes.


The little boy then went into the kitchen where is father was cutting a chicken. His father cut himself and said fuck. The little boy asked what fuck meant and his father told him it was another word for cutting.


The dorrbell rang and the little boy answered the door. It was his grandmother and she asked where everyone was. The little boy said Mommy is upstairs putting shit on her face,Tina is putting condoms on, and daddy is fucking the chicken.

An oily, disreputable looking fellow walks into a bank with a large
sack on his back. Seeing an open teller, the man walks up to the young lady
and places the sack on the counter.

I want to open a fucking savings account! the man grunts.

I am sorry sir, we prefer politer customers, she replied, offended.

Okay, look I just wanna open a fucking banking account.

Im sorry, but you just cant speak that way.

The supervisor, seeing the trouble went over to check on the situation.
She got there and got the story from the teller. Trying another tack, she
decided to handle the situation herself.

How can I help you? she asked, all smiles.

Listen, I would like to open a FUCKING savings account!

I am sorry, but we do not deal with people who use vulgar language.

Finally, the bank manager came over to settle the matter.

What is the matter here? he asked.

Look, replied the customer, I just won 47 million dollars in the
lottery and I wanted to open a fucking savings account to deposit all the
cash in.

Are these two bitches giving you trouble? quickly replied the
manager.

Q: What do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute?

A: A little fucker about so tall.

Pick the day you were born on to see what kind of fart you are.

1-AMBITIOUS – Always ready for a fart.

2-LAZY – Just fizzles

3-AMIABLE – Likes to smell others farts

4-SELFISH – Only enjoys smelling own farts

5-CARELESS – Farts in church

6-SMART ALEC – Farts when ladies are present.

7-CLEVER – Farts and coughs at same time

8-SCIENTIFIC – Bottles own farts

9-STINGY – Belches instead of farting to save asshole

10-FOOLISH – Farts and laughs.

11-SHY – Blushes even when farts silently.

12-CONCEITED – Thinks they can fart loudest.

13-UNLUCKY – Tries to fart and shits pants.

14- TIMID – Jumps when farting.

15-BEWILDERED – cant tell own farts from others.

16-SLOVENLY – Farts and fizzles, rots pants.

17-NERVOUS – Stops in middle of fart.

18-MISERABLE – Cant fart

19-CONFUSED – Face looks so much like ass,

Farts dont know where to go.

20-GROUCH – Grumbles when ladies fart.

21-SNEAKY – Farts and blames it on the dog.

22-DISAPPOINTED – Their farts dont stink.

23-FRESH GUY – Jumps in front of you and farts.

24-BIG BULLY – Farts louder than everyone else.

25-DELUDED – Enjoys all farts thinking they are their own.

26-CUTE – Discovers from farts what others have eaten.

27-WISE – Farts and says Who in hell shit ??

28-DAMNED MEAN – Farts in bed and pulls covers over wifes head.

29-MUSICAL – Tenor or bass Clear as a bell

Smells like shit Sounds like hell.

30-HONEST – Farts and blames in on the hostess.

31-LIVELY – Jumps in air, farts three times, kicks like hell simultaneously.

If you cant get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Dont be irreplaceable, if you cant be replaced, you cant be promoted.

It doesnt matter what you do, it only matters what you say youve done and what youre going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you dont succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your bosss boss off your bosss back.

Everything can be filed under miscellaneous.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isnt the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldnt.

If it wasnt for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you dont know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone Ranger handle this?

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

A woman married 35 years asked her husband on their anniversary, What were you thinking the very first time you saw me?

He replied, I wanted to suck those tits dry and fuck your brains out, dear.

She asked, And what do you think when you look at me now, darling?

I think I did a damn good job!