In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning, an angel apppeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.” And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?” Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But This time you hold the pigeon down and Ill shit on its head.”

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman.

After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk.

She turns to him and says, Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?

The drunk replied, Yes maam, I have indeed shit myself.

The woman says, Well, why dont you go somewhere and clean yourself up?

The drunk says, Cos Im not finished yet…

A man goes hunting, sees a deer, and kills it. He takes ithome for his family to eat. His little girl asks, dady, what are we havving for dinner tonight?. The man replied, ill give you a clue, its something that mummy calls daddy sometimes. The little girl screamed and said Dont eat it its a fucking asshole!!

Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworthss (Ubiquitious grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Santa to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week Banta finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Santa to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Banta goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week Banta comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Banta: What! This is shit! Banta calmly replies: Yes, and I want toilet paper

Sign in a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream.

Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybodys heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The Tell me when were having fun kind of day.



One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.



If youve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesnt help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.



Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If youve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skies so you dont move. Yup, you got it. She had the skies positioned the wrong way.



Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on to the slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual sight for the other skiers.



The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.



In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg was put in a bed next to hers.



So, howd you break your leg? She asked, making small talk.



It was the darndest thing you ever saw, he said I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldnt believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didnt realize how far Id moved. I fell out of the lift.



So howd you break your arm?

On little johnny,s 9th birthday his grandpa said johnny for your birthday im finally gonna let you go fishing with me, but you better be ready at 5 tomorrow morning. so johnny woke up at three and got ready while his mother made him a huge lunch. she put sandwiches, chips, sodas, all kinds of stuff. so johnny waits on the porch, & finally his grandpa pulls up and their off! a couple of hours pass as their on the boat fishing, and johnny heres a can open turns and says hey grandpa get have some of that beer his grandpa says well johnny, does your dick touch your asshole. johnny says no and granpa says well then you cant have none of this beer. time passes and johnny hears granpa spit so johnny asks hey granpa, can i have some of that chewin tobacca grandpa says well johnny does your dick touch your asshole johnny says no so grandpa replys well then you aint gettinnone of this tobacca. well johnny gets hungry and rolls out his huge lunch his mother packed and starts eating, well grandpa sees his lunch and asks hey johnny, can i get some of that their lunch johnny says well gandpa does your dick touch your asshole and grandpa says well actually it does so johnny says good, go fuck yourself cause you aint gettin none of this lunch!

Twas the night before Christmas,



and God it was neat







The kids were both gone,



and my wife was in heat







The doors were all bolted,



and the phone off the hook







It was time for some nooky,



by hook or by crook.







Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude



Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube







When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,



That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.







Up to the window I sprang like an elf,



Tore back the shade while she played with herself.







The moon on the crest of the snowman wed built,



Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.







When what to my wondering eyes should appear,



But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.







With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,



A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.







Sure as Im speaking, he was as high as a kite.



And he yelled to his team, but it didnt sound right.







Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole,



whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,



Either slow down this rig or Ill cut off your nuts.







Look out for the lamp post, and dont hit the tree,



Quit shaking the sleigh, cause I gotta go pee.







They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,



Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.







And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,



As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.







I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,



When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.







His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,



He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.







That was some brothel, he said with a smile,



The reindeer are pooped,



and Ill just stay here awhile.







He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,



Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.







I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,



The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.







Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,



But his toys were all gone,



and some new things were packed.







The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,



The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.







A box filled with condoms was Santas next find,



And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.







A bra without nipples, a penis extension,



And several other things that



I shouldnt even mention.







A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,



A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.







This suff aint for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,



So Ill leave em here, and then Ill just split.







He filled every stocking and then took his leave,



With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.







He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,



Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.







In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,



Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a bitch!







The sleigh was near gone when we



heard Santa shout,



The best thing about sex is that it



never wears out!

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The

> brain



> > said, I should be Boss because I control the whole bodys responses and



> > functions.



> > > >>The feet said, We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and



get



> > him where he wants to go. The hands said, We should be the Boss



because



> we



> > do all the work and earn all the money.



> > > >>And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes



until



> > finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the



> > asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself



up



> > and refused to work.



> > > >>Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the



> > feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.



> > > >>Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so



> the



> > motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss



> just



> > sat and passed out the shit.



> > > >>Management Lesson?



> > > >>You dont need brains to be a Boss – any asshole will do.

It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade class. The teacher said, Lets begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said, Give me Liberty or give me Death ? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzukis

Patrick Henry 1775, he said.

Very good! Who said …government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?

Again, no response, except from Suzuki. Abraham Lincoln, 1863.

The teacher snapped, Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.

She heard a loud whisper, Screw the Japs.

Who said that? she demanded.

Suzuki raised his hand: Lee Iacocca, 1982.

At that point a student said, Im gonna puke. The teacher glared and asked, All right! Who said that?

Suzuki says, George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.

Furious, another student yells, Oh yeah? Suck this!

Suzuki jumps up waving his hand and shouts, Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!

With near mob hysteria, someone screams, You little shit. If you say anything else, Ill kill you.

Suzuki yells, Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.

At this, the teacher fainted. The class gathered around her.

One of the kids says, Oh shit, were in BIG trouble!

Suzuki says, Arthur Andersen, 2002.