One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, …. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, The sky is falling, the sky is falling!

The teacher paused then asked the class, And what do you think that farmer said?
One little girl raised her hand and said, I think he said: Holy Shit! A talking chicken!

Nursery
school teacher says to her class, "Who can use
the word Definitely in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely
blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the
sky can be gray, or orange…"
Second little boy…"Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up
and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says…"Johnny!
Of course not!!!"
"OK…then I DEFINITELY shit my pants…"

Tres cubanos recién llegados a Miami van a pasar el fin de semana en Busch Gardens. El domingo, ya de regreso, al llegar la estación del tren en Tampa, el más viejo de los tres le pide a uno:

Oye, tú chico, anda y pregúntale al moreno aquel a qué hora sale el tren para Miami.

Pero si yo no hablo inglés, chico.

Ve y hazle una seña. Hazte entender.

Va el cubano donde el negro y le señala el reloj. El tipo le responde:

Nine ten.

Regresa y les informa a los demás:

Eh, chicos, el negro dice que no hay tren.

¿Cómo es que no va ha haber tren? ¿Qué tú no ves el gentío que está aquí esperando?

Anda tú, le dice al otro.

Va el otro y le hace la misma seña. El negro, ya molesto, le grita:

Nine ten, nine ten!

Regresa y les confirma:

Efectivamente, el negro dice que no hay tren.

¡Coño, chicos, ustedes son un par de tontos, voy a tener que ir yo!

Va el más viejo; hace la misma seña y el negro que ya explota ruge:

Fuck you son of a bitch, nine ten! Nine ten!

¡Óiganme, chicos, tenían razón, parece que a la máquina se le jodió un foco en Miami Beach y no hay tren!

What is the difference between a straight rooster and a gay rooster?






The straight rooster says cock-a-doodle-doo and the gay rooster says any-cock-will-doo!!!!!!!

I heard this from a friend at Duke University:

Six year-old boy to his father: Daddy, can I have a train set?
His Father: Does your dick touch your ass?
Boy, reaching into his pants: No.
His Father: Well, come back when it does.

Five years pass.
Eleven year-old boy to his father: Dad, can I have a ten speed bike?
His Father: Does your dick touch your ass?
Boy, reaching into his pants: No.
His Father: Well, come back when it does.

Another five years passes.
Sixteen year-old boy to his father: Dad, can I have a car?
His Father: Does your dick touch your ass?
Boy: Yes, it does.
Father: Good. Then go fuck yourself.

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks into the forward cabin at the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, Im young, blonde and beautiful, and Im going to sit here all the way to New York.

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, Im young, blonde and beautiful, and Im going to sit here all the way to New York.

The captain doesnt want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blondes ear.

She immediately gets up, says, Thank you so much. hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, I just told her that the first class section isnt going to New York.

181. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?

A: Branch Manager.

182. Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?

A: She fell out of the tree.

183. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

A: Wave at her.

184. Q: What do you call a smart blond?

A: A golden retriever.

185. Q: How do you check a blondes IQ?

A: With a tire gauge.

186. Q: How does a blonde interpret

6.9?

A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

187. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?

A: Oh look! Doughnut seeds!

188. Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?

A: They dont have to worry about blowing their brains out.

189. Q: Why do blonds have two more brain cells than a cow ?

A1: So they dont shit everywhere when you pull their tits.

A2: So that when you pull their tits, they dont moo.

190. Q: Why arent BLONDES good cattle herders?

A: Because the cant even keep two calves together!

191. Q: Why dont blonds breast feed?

A: Because they always burn their nipples.

192. Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?

A: Bobbing for french fries.

193. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?

A: To cover up the valve stem.

194. Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

A: Spot.

195. Q: Whats a blonds favourite rock group?

A: Air Supply.

196. Q: What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes?

A: The back of her head.

197. Q: Why do blondes drive VWs

A: Because they cant spell PORSCHE!!

198. Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?

A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !

199. Q: Why did God create blondes?

A: Because sheep cant bring beer from the fridge.

200. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?

A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.

A2: So that when theyre on the train they can tell if theyre going to work or coming home.

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds.
As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.

Screw me or climb the ladder to success, she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this
cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.

Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success, she said.

Well, thought the man, might as well carry on.

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite
attractive.

Screw me now or climb the ladder to success, she fluttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that
this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute
beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.

Fuck me or climb the ladder to success, she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to
climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man,
armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

Who are you? the man asked.

Hello, said the ugly fat man said, my name is Cess!

This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca and Gary

English 44A

SMU

Creative Writing

Prof Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

At first, Laurie couldnt decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far… But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ships cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel. Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth — when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. Why must one lose ones innocence to become a woman? she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anuudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anuudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. We cant allow this! Im going to veto that treaty! Lets blowem out of the sky!

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, youre a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total $*&.

Stupid %&#$!.

What the Boss Really Said on Our Appraisal Sheet:

PERFORMANCE APPRAISAL TERMS AND THEIR REAL MEANINGS

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLSAble to bullshit
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLSSpends lots of time on phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEENot too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIEDMade no major blunders; yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITYToo ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLYDrinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLYSpouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKERNobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKINGOffers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKERWont make a decision
AGGRESSIVEObnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBSGets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELLSpeaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAILA nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIESIs tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENTLucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOURKnows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDEDBack Stabber
LOYALCant get a job anywhere else!!!