Woman …

Shes an angel in truth, a demon in fiction.

A womans the greatest of all contradiction.

Shell scream at a cockroach and faint at a mouse,

then tackle a husband as big as a house.

Shell take him for better, shell take him for worse.

Shell split his head open, and then be his nurse.

And when he is well and can get out of bed,

shell pick up a teapot to throw at his head.

You fancy shes this, but you find that shes that;

for she plays like a kitten and fights like a cat.

In the evenings she will, in the mornings she wont

and youre always expecting that she does when she dont.

— author unknown

Two
Pakistanian guys wanted to become more American. The
first guy decides to make a bet to see who can become
the most American after one year.
One year later, the two guys meet. The first guy
says, "I drive a Cheverolet Truck, my son plays
baseball for the school, I own a house in a respectable
neighborhood, and I drink Budweiser." The other
guys says, "Fuck you, Towelhead!"

Yo mamma is such a bad cook that even the cockroaches throw up!

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards? The priest says, Because Im a father.

Johnny says, Yeah? Well, my old mans got three kids and he dont wear his collar backwards.

The priest says, You dont understand, son. I have thousands of children.

Johnny says, You should wear your fuckin trousers backwards.

The Lancashire dialect reverses the u sounds in put and putt.
A Lancastrian gave a lecture to a large mixed class on the Antarctic
expedition led by Sir Vivian Fuchs. He called him Fucks throughout. A
colleague remonstrated after the lecture: You know, his name is Fuchs.
Oh yes; but I didnt like to say it with all those ladies present.

–J.E.Littlewood, A Mathematicians Miscellany

Se encuentran en el averno un alemán, un gringo y un mexicano; en eso, se acerca el diablo y les informa:

Les voy a dar una oportunidad: el que me miente la madre sin que yo me dé cuenta se va al Cielo.

En eso, el germano mueve la mano como si fuera a peinarse y el demonio le advierte:

No, eso ya es viejo y, por pendejo, te toca la caldera hirviente.

Por un instante, sólo se escuchan los gritos del teutón en el infierno.

Entonces, el yanqui murmura:

Fuck you mother!

Yo escucho los ruidos más insignificantes y te alcancé a escuchar. Así que te envío a que te azoten de por vida, le asegura Satán

En aquel momento, se acerca el mexicano y le dice a Lucifer:

Te vendo una plancha.

¿Para qué quiero yo una plancha?, inquiere extrañado el diablo.

Para que se la vendas a tu mamá.

¿Y que gano yo con vendérsela a mi madre?

Pues mira: yo te la vendo a ti en $100; tú se la vendes a tu mamá en $200 y tu mamá la puede ofrecer en más de $200. Así chingo yo; chingas tú y chinga tu madre.

Conversation at the grocers

– Good morning!

– Morning.

– What is that, please?

– Bananas.

– Are they fresh?

– Yes, they are fresh.

– Give me ten pounds, please.

– Okay, here you go.

– Thanks, but, uhh… could you please wrap each one of them?

– Yes, sure.

(couple of minutes)

– Here you go.

– Thanks. And, what is that, please?

– Oranges.

– Are they fresh?

– Yes, they are fresh.

– Give me ten pounds, please.

– Okay, here you go.

– Thanks, but, uhh… could you please wrap each one of them?

– Yes, sure.

(couple of minutes)

– Here you go.

– Thanks. And, what is that, please?

– Its poppyseed, motherfucker, but its not for sale!

Can there be, when you think about it, a more improbable sentiment than
Get fucked! We might as well snarl, Make a lot of money! or Have a nice
day!

–Bill Bryson, from The Mother Tongue, English & How It Got That Way

A blind man went to a lumber yard for a job.

The boss didnt want to just tell him no, so he told him that if he could pass a test, hed hire him.

He had one of his employees take him out back to identify some lumber. He brought the man to a pile of pine paneling, the man walked around the pile and sniffed, correctly identifying it as pine paneling.

The employee thought, How did he do that?

Next he took him to a pile of 2x4s. These he also correctly identified after sniffing around a bit. Now they were all amazed.

They decided it was time to trick him. They brought out the receptionist and laid her buck naked on her back.

The blind man walked around and sniffed.Obviously puzzled he walked around and sniffed and walked around and sniffed some more.

Scratching his head, he told them to flip it over. They did so and the sniffing continued. Suddenly he started laughing and said You think youve got me, dont you? Well I know what that is.

Thats the shit house door off of a tuna boat!

A young man walks into a bar in Alaska. After many drinks, he announces to the whole bar that he is proud to be a new Alaskan. One of the old timers at the bar laughs at him and asks him if he has gone through the

Ritual yet. The lad asks what the ritual entails. The old timer says,Well, to be an Alaskan, you have to kill a Polar Bear and fuck an Eskimo. The young man says that he hasnt done either yet, so he and the old timer continue to drink heavily together and the old timer answers his questions about the Ritual. The young man stands up and wobbles out of the bar drunk as can be.





About four hours later, he struggles back into the bar, all scratched and cut up. He summons all of this strength and shouts out Where is this damn Eskimo I have to kill?!