I hate:

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time … I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. Fucing right! What good is a cake if you cant eat it?

When people say its always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after youve found it?

When people say while watching a film did you see that? No tosser, I paid £10 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucing floor.

People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didnt really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

When something is new and improved! Which is it? If its new, then there has never been anything before it. If its an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When people say life is short. What the fuck? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucing does! What can you do thats longer?

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks Has the bus come yet? If the bus had come would I be standing here, Knobhead?

One evening, a woman was working on completing a jingle to win a large cash prize from Carnation Milk. Carnation furnished the first line, I like Carnation best of all, and it was to be completed in 50 words or less.

A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door and told her her entry was the best, but it couldnt be published, and they were giving her a consolation award of $1,000.00.



Here is her entry:



I like Carnation best of all, No tits to pull, no shit to haul. No barns to clean, no hay to pitch, Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch.

Hodgee comes to the United States from India, and hes only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.

The doctor says, Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.

Hodgee takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes.

Then he comes back to the doctor and says, It worked. I feel terrific. What was it?

The doctor says, You were homesick.

Aug. 12 Moved to our new home in Montana. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see the snow covering them.

Oct. 14 Montana is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise! I love it here.

Nov. 11 Deer season will start soon. I cant imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight, I won. Than the snowplow came by. We had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place! I love Montana!!

Dec. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did its trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 More snow last night. Couldnt get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.

Dec. 21 More of that fucking white shit fell last night. Ive got blisters on my hands from shoveling snow. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until Im done shoveling the driveway. ASSHOLE!!

Dec. 25 Merry Fucking Christmas. More fucking snow!! If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear Ill kill the bastard. Dont know why they dont use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27 More of the white shit last night. Been inside for three days except to shovel the driveway each time the fucking snowplow goes by. Cant go anywhere. Cars stuck in a mountain of that shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10 again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 is??

Dec. 28 The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 of that white shit this time. At this rate it wont melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck down the road and the ASSHOLE came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all that fucking white shit he had pushed into the driveway. I broke the seventh one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get groceries. On the way back, a fucking deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. About $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should all be killed. Wish the bunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe, the son-of-a-bitch is rusting out from all the salt they put on the roads??

May 10 Moved to Florida. Cant imagine why anyone in their right minds would ever want to live in that fucking state of Montana!!!!

bugs bunny taz and porky pig wanted a job as a builder so thay asked a man for a job as a builder the man said throw a brick off a scaffilding and say finshed before the brick hits the floor so bugs done it and said finshed then the brick hit the floor the builder said you have the job taz done the same he got the job porky droped the brick said ff ff fuck i hit him

Theres this cowboy who arrive in a little town, enters the saloon and screams: I want a woman, I wanna fuck! Welcome , says the owner, We have Rosy the Red who fucks like three witches for only $30.

Shes wonderful, says the cowboy , but I dont have so much No problem, for $20 Blondie the Blond sucks your cock out of your underwear! Shes pretty, but I dont have so much.

No problem, for $10 Terry the Terrible will keep your cock in her hand til morning! Shes nice, but I dont have…

How much the fuck you have?

Er…a quarter! All right: room 22, upstairs.

The cowboy runs upstairs, opens the door of room 22, and on the bed sees a nice young woman lying with her legs wide open; he jumps on her and begins fucking. After ten minutes he goes downstairs and asks the owner: I…I think Ive got a problem.

What about?

Well, you know the young lady in room 22…I was having fun on her, and suddenly she turned her face and threw up a white mass…

Oh, shit! John !, screams the owner to his butler, go change the corpse in room 22: its full again!!

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry… He felt different yet… couldnt figure why… he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers… He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name…

The chief answered in his typically poetic way…When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest… and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth.

Then, the boy said to the Chief… And how did my sister Thundering Bird get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Birds mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky…

The boy asked again, how his cousin White Crouching Bear had been given such a name… And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe…. White Bears mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her babys birth. Then he asked the boy…

Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?

Reminds me of the woman who goes to her gynecologist and complains of a pain in her averies.

Dont you mean ovaries ? the doc says.

No she says.

We had better have a look says doc. After a minute of peering, doc says Youre right, It looks like theres been a cockatoo up there

This town Inspector for the state of Texas was saent to a small town in West Texas.For Mapping Purposes. He drove into a small town and parked his car. The first thing he saw was a Cowboy chasing a coyote down the street. The Cowboy caught the coyote and comensed having sex with it in broad daylight in the middle of the street. The Inspector got all irate and said to himself,I got to report this to the Sheriff.

He runs to the Sheriffs office next door. The Sheriff wasnt there. The Inspector walked outside, asked a person on the street where the Sheriff might be. The person said at that time of day, the Sheriff was always at the bar.So the Inspector went to the bar,walked in, saw the Sheriff standing at the bar. As he was going towards the bar,he noticed an old man in the corner whackin off! This really upset him. He went over to confront the Sheriff. He said,Sheriff,Im with the State. Ive come to inspect your town. The first thing I see is a Cowboy chasing a coyote down main street; catching it, and comensinto have sex with it! Then I come to find you to report it, and I see an old man in the corner whackin off! How do you explain it?

The Sheriff cocks his hat back and scratches his head;looked squarely at the Inspector and said,You dont expect a man his age to catch a coyote do ya?

1. Tech Support calls YOU for help.



2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL out loud.



3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.



4. You have called out someones screen name while making love to your significant other.



5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so we can hang out.



6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.



7. If you are male and see a female in the Real world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her.



8. If you are female and you see a male in the Real world that you wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish hed IM you.



9. You dont understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the real world is at your fingertips.



10. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.



11. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases.



12. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you inform management that there is an error.



13. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always yelling at you.



14. You go up to people you are attracted to in real life and ask them for their GIF.



15. Although you dont know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber-love.



16. You dont even know what your cyber-love looks like.



17. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should be capitalized.



18. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.



19. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.



20. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.



21. When someone says, What did you say? you reply, Scroll up!



22. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.



23. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people wont know youre on-line again.



24. You know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your wn spouses.



25. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.



26. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.



27. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).



28. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.



29. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know youre going to be away and how youre feeling.



30. You marry your cyberboyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers & chat to each other every night from across the room.



31. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.



32. You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed then yourself!



33. Your dog leaves you.



34. You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never do when you first got online.



35. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.



36. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met.



37. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.



38. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.



39. Your significant other kisses your neck while youre chatting and you think, Uh oh, cyber sex perv.



40. You go thru withdrawal if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.



41. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.



42. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get this one…If so, youve been hanging out in *strange* places).



43. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.



44. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.



45. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOLs welcome screen.



46. You wait 6 hours online for a certain special person to come home from work.



47. You dont know where the time has gone.



48. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.



49. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.



50. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.



51. You dont even notice anymore when someone has a typo.



52. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.



53. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.



54. Your voicemail/answering machine message is BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL.



55. You type faster than you think.



56. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.



57. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.



58. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.



59. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie



60. People say, If it werent for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!



61. You dream in text.



62. Being called a Newbie is a MAJOR insult.



63. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & youre really bored.



64. You dont want to leave in case you miss something.



65. You double click your TV remote.



66. You can now type over 70 wpm.



67. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.



68. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say BRB r BBL.



69. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail mail).



70. You go into withdrawals during dinner.



71. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.



72. You stop speaking in full sentences.



73. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up giving tech support to other AOLers.



74. You have to be pried from your computer by the Jaws of Life.



75. Your last sexual experience was really just a textual experience.



76. You know what a snert is.



77. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to check your mail & while there you just wanted to see who was nline.



78. You meet people from AOL in public & you have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name.



79. Youve even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.



80. When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is wishing theyd be on AOL so you dont have to meet them in person.



81. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.



82. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.



83. You have met over 100 AOLers.



84. When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have a profile you ask them for an age/sex/location check.



85. You understand the humor in all of this.



86. You keep telling yourself to Get a Life.



87. When someone online says BRB, gotta go pee, you ask them to go for you, and think they can.