1. Look at the size of his putter

2. Oh shit my shafts all bent



3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker



4. After 18 holes I can barely walk



5. My hands are so sweaty I cant get a good grip



6. Lift your head and spread your legs



7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired



8. Just turn your back and drop it



9. Hold up.. Ive got to wash my balls



10. Damn, I missed the hole again

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about todays lesson.



Ill say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Lets begin. A



All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like ass or asshole. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said apple.



Very good, said the teacher, now B.



Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said ball.



This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to R. Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.



The teacher thought and thought and couldnt think of a bad word that started with R. So she picked Johnny.



Johnny stands up and says: R…Rat…a big, fat, fuckin Rat!

If you cant get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Dont be irreplaceable, if you cant be replaced, you cant be promoted.

It doesnt matter what you do, it only matters what you say youve done and what youre going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you dont succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your bosss boss off your bosss back.

Everything can be filed under miscellaneous.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isnt the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldnt.

If it wasnt for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you dont know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone Ranger handle this?

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

The fire chief pulls up to the fire and asks the seargent hows it going? The sarg says well chief, theres two guys still inside that we cant find.The chief grabs a mask and runs inside. Hes looking all through the building. He opens a door in the back and theres one of the firemen fucking the other fireman, whos passed out, in the ass. Hey the chief yells you are supposed to be giving that guy mouth to mouth. the fireman looks at him and says how do you think this got started?

A man was in a bar one evening, when a drunk wandered over, shouting at the man I pulled your mum just now! the sober man just ignored him and carried on drinking.



About half an hour later the drunk wandered over again. This time he said: Your mum just gave me a BJ and swallowed again the man ignored and carried on talking to his mates.





Soon the very drunk man wandered over and shouted at the poor man – I just fucked your mum, using every posistion possible





Eventally the man bored of this idiot, turned around and said Go home dad, youre drunk.

A little old lady walked up to the cashier and placed a bag of cat food on the check out counter. The cashier said, Im sorry but I cant sell you that cat food. Why not? asked the little old lady. The cashier replided.. we have had complants that some senior citizens who dont have very much money are buying pet food and eating eat, and its not healthy for them. If you can prove to me that you own a cat, then I can sell you the cat food.

The little old lady left the store and returned about an hour later with her cat, purchased the cat food and went home.



About a week later she tried to buy a 50 pound bag of dog food and the cashier said, mam, we went thru this before, show me that you own a dog and then I can sell you the dog food. The little old left and in an hour she returned with her dog and purchased the dog food.



A couple of weeks passed by, the little old lady walked into the store with a small box in her hands, walked up to the same cashier smiled and told her to stick her finger into the hole in the box. The cashier replied…Im not sticking my finger in that box, there could be a snake in there and I could get bit. Oh no, replied the little old lady, I wouldnt do anything to hurt you. Just to humor the lady the cashier stuck her finger into the hole and when she pulled it out the little old lady told her to smell it. The cashier smelled her finger, her nose turned up and she said Damn, that smells just like shit. The little old smiled and said, Thats exactly what it is… Now, can I purchase 4 rolls of toilet paper?

One day 3 guys go hunting John, Jeff and BJ. John gets the frist kill of the day with a 12 point Buck. While hes guting it Jeff has to take a crap, so he tells BJ and John and runs off. Jeff took off his pants got on a tree branch and fell a sleep. BJ takes the Deer guts and puts them under where jeff is siting making jeff think he craped out all his guts. 1 hour later Jeff comes charging up the hill saying Hay guys you cant beleve what happend to me !!! I fell asleep taking a crap and shited out all my guts. But thank god and these two fingers I got them back up there!

An old guy walks into a bar on night. and was telling about all of his hunting experiences and one guy asked him what is the most painful momet you have had hunting. and he said he was hunting deer in canada and had to take a shit. So he found a tree and leaned against it and when his balls saged down a bear trap jumped up and grabed his balls.and he jumed into the air.And the guy said wow I can see why that is the most painful momet ever and he said no that is only the second most painful momet. The most painful was when I ran out of chain.

A man goes into a bar, sits down, and looks at the drunk guy next to him. he asks the drunk if he wants to see something amazing; the drunk says yeah, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny grand piano and a little man who proceeds to play beethoven, bach, etc… the drunk is severely impressed and asks the guy where he got the little man; he tells him that he found a genie one day in africa and was granted 3 wishes for setting it free from its bottle. the drunk asked him what else he wished for and received the answer nothing; its a fucked-up genie. the drunk asked if he could borrow the genie for a few minutes…the man said no…its a fucked-up genie! the drunk pulled out his wallet and offered the man a thousand dollars to let him borrow the genie for five minutes and the man reluctantly agreed with the admonition that it was a fucked-up genie. the drunk walked outside the bar with the genies bottle and there came a huge blast of light…the drunk came back in followed by a large flock of baby ducks, looked at the man and said youre right; that is a fucked-up genie…i wished for a million bucks and got a million ducks!! the man looked at the drunk and said i told you it was a fucked-up genie; do you REALLY think i wished for an eight-inch pianist?

The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup. It makes men cocky and





women lay better.