In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.-Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE – XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: Belt your family. Its the law.

Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: Broken English spoken perfectly

At an Applebees restaraunt: NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!

Fitness Center sign: Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself – regardless of the facts.

Sign seen in London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs

Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: Closed for official opening.

Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

Sign in a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Sign in a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice.

Sign seen on an electricity pylon: DANGER! To touch these wires will result in instant death. Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted.

Sign in a Japanese Hotel room: In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

Sign in a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

Sign on a Norfolk farm: Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left.

In restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.

On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: Rome wasnt built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor.

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: Caution: Nuts crossing road.

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.

Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isnt worth anything – gas is!

Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

At a restaurant in New York: Tip-ing is not a city in China.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On a roller coaster: Watch your head.

On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus. (translation of the Greek): Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Lets see who can go downhill the fastest.

Sign in Kings Canyon in California. Slow Parking Ahead

A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads: Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Sign in the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

Sign on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kobe, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

Sign in a restaurant window: T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12

A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: Todays special. Below it says: Sos tomorrow.

Sign on restaurant window: Great food (50,000 flies cant be wrong).

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: Drive carefully. Well wait.

Sign in a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.