Sign in a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Sign at fast-food place: PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!

Sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Sign on a scientists door: Gone fission.

Sign in a taxidermists window: We really know our stuff.

Sign in a podiatrists window: Time wounds all heels.

Sign in a butchers window: Let me meat your needs.

Sign on used car lot: Second hand cars in first crash condition.

Sign in school: In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended.

Sign on an asphalt truck: Let us fill your crack!

Office sign: Ace exterminating – we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome.

Sign at a muffler shop: No muff too tough for us!

Sign on a government issue car: Fulton county disaster coordinator.

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESNT WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESNT KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Outside a photographers studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Sign in a science teachers room: If it moves, its biology. If it stinks, its chemistry. If it doesnt work, its physics.

Sign in butchers window: Pleased to meat you.

Sign on auto body shop: May we have the next dents?

Sign at the dry cleaners window: Drop your pants here.

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: Reserved for plant manager.

Sign on restaurant window: Dont stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up.

Sign in a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: Get a long little doggie!

Sign in a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want.

Sign on a music librarys door: Bach in a minuet.

At my Universitys Student center Bathrooms: If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police.

In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance.

Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: Rest Area Next Right – the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.

A sign in the local opportunity shop says, If your going to steal, then smile for the camera.

Sign on fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

Sign in a car dealership office: The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.

Sign over a cannibals hut: I never met a man I didnt like.

Sign in a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. Well hear you coming.

Sign at a hotel. Help! We need inn-experienced people.

Sign on the door of the maternity ward: Push Push Push.

Sign at entrance of the IRS: Watch your step.

Sign at the exit of the IRS: Watch your mouth.

Sign in a bookstore: We treat you write.

Sign on a front door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.