Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.

Seen in a health food store. Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot

Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense.

I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

Sign seen in London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs

Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: Closed for official opening.

Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

Sign in a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

Sign in a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but youll find they are best in the long run.

Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.

Sign at a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you cant read this, its time to wash your car.

Sign in a realtors office: Lots for little.

Sign in a shoe store: Come in and have a fit.

Sign in a maternity clothes store: We are open on labor day.

Sign in a non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

Here is a great sign I saw in the grocery store: Snickers, 5 for 1.00$.(limit 4)

On a dock in Juneau, Alaska: Safety ladder, climb at own risk.

Seen on an electrical appliance store in Spokane, WA Go modern! Go gas! Go BOOM!

Emergency Evacuation Plan posted in various places around my office building: Run like Anything!

Biggs Septic Tank Service (near Nashville Tennessee) Call Monday thru Friday, sorry, we haul milk on weekends.

At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of I love you only Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Dont kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a ign that read Will work for food. If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly a bove him read Now hiring.

At an office: This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises, bonses and promotions.

SEEN ON A BILLBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education.

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

On a store front in Florida: Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!

A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: Smile, Youre on Radar!

Seen in a State Park in California: Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If its wet, its raining. If its moving, its windy. If you cant see it, its foggy. If rock is gone, its a tornado.

Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

Sign on music teachers door: Out Chopin.

Sign at the electic company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont, you will be.

Sign in beauty shop window: Dye now!

Sign on a garbage truck: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got.

Sign at a computer store: Out for a quick byte.