1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. Youre adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. Youre using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, Hows my driving? Call 1 800 ******.

6. Everyones head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Youre convinced theres a God and hes male.

8. Youre counting down the days until menopause.

9. Youre sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say focus,…breath…push…

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, to go somewhere and neck. After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.

These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and theres a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances, they explained.

Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.

The man looked horrified and said, You cant be serious! I could never shoot my wife! Well, said the CIA man, youre definitely not the right man for this job then.

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, they explained to the second man.

Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.

I tried to shoot her; I just couldnt pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess Im not the right man for the job.

No, the CIA man replied, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.

We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances;this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing,and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!

Ten things that dads probably dont say too often!

10. Well, how bout that?… Im lost. Looks like well have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that youre 13, youll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Wont that be fun?

8. I notice that all your friends have a certain up yours attitude… I like that.

7. Heres a credit card and the keys to my new car… go crazy.

6. What do you mean you wanna play rugby? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend… you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I dont know whats wrong with your car. Probably one of those watchamacallits – you know – that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring, now quit your belly-aching and lets go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Fathers Day? Dont worry about that – its no big deal.

How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother

Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart

Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

Ballet: For Women Only.

Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants.

1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.

2. Lavatory paper rolls: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.

3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and graphics.

4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into kitchen sink? Examples on video.

5. Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Help line and support groups.

6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

7. Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.

9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

10. Learning to live: Basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.

11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when youre going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

A young woman was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

New Summer Seminars for Women

The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There

Life Beyond Shoes

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told the missus that I would be home by midnight. . . I promise!

Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy and at around 3 am, full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed three times.

Quickly I realized shed probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times and was really proud of myself for having the quick-wittedness, even when pissed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told her midnight.

Whew, got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said,
Well, at 3 am this morning, it cuckooed three times, paused, said bollocks, Cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, paused, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled for over three minutes.

I think its stuffed, dont you?