Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.

Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.

Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat? – Why Men Lie.

TV Remotes: For Men Only.

When a woman says:
This place is a mess! Cmon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we dont do laundry right now, youll have no clothes to wear.

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, cmon blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah on the floor, blah, blah, blah, right now, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Fun means: Annoying

Gentle means: Comatose

Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her

Down in Florida, two women were talking and one asked the other, Do you ever get that feeling of being really horny?

Yes, her friend replied.

What do you do about it?

I usually suck on a Lifesaver.

After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, Well, what beach do you go to?

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt want.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

WOMENS COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all there.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See Magician.

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isnt coming out anytime soon.

This woman of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy. The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctors office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied, Lady those arent bags, theyre your tits and if you dont stop turning those screws youre going to have a beard!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter.
What are you doing? she asked.
Hunting flies, he responded.
Oh. Killing any? she asked.
Yep! Three males and two females, he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell them apart?
He responded, 3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone.

What Woman Say vs. What Women Really Mean

CANT WE JUST BE FRIENDS? … really means, There is no way Im going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. … really means, without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?… really means, We havent had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZAS FINE…. really means, you cheap slob!

I JUST DONT WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. … really means, I just dont want YOU as a boyfriend now.

I DONT KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? … really means, I cant believe you have nothing planned!

COME HERE. … really means, My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT… really means, I dont like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU…. really means, just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN. … really means, You never listen.

WERE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. … really means, Im not going to stay over until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

ILL BE READY IN A MINUTE…. really means, Im ready, but Im going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, ILL PAY FOR MYSELF. … really means, Im just being nice; theres no way Im going Dutch.

IM JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. …. really means, Were gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.