What does a man and a floor have in common?

You lay them right the first time you can walk all over them forever!!

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.

He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says, Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.

The man says Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.

First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.

Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.

Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.

Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Do you know why woman dont fart?

Because they cant keep their mouths closed long enough to build up any pressure.

Dating hints for gentlemen

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date…

I really dont like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Light drinker means: Lush

Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light

Loves Travel means: If youre paying

The five toughest questions women ask – and their answers:
1. What are you thinking?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think shes prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1. What are you thinking?
The proper answer to this question, of course, is: Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you. Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a – football.
b – baseball.
c – How fat you are.
d – How much prettier she is than you.
e – How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married with Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. His answer: If I wanted you to know Id be talking instead of thinking

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2. Do you love me?
The correct answer to this question is, Yes.
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer. Yes dear.

Wrong answers include:
a – I suppose so.
b – Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c – That depends on what you mean by love.
d – Does it matter?
e – Who, me?

3. Do I look fat?
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state,
No, of course not and then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:
a – I wouldnt call you fat, but I wouldnt call you thin either.
b – Compared to what?
c – A little extra weight looks good on you.
d – Ive seen fatter.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4. Do you think shes prettier than me?
The she in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passerby you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw.
In any case, the correct response is: No, you are much prettier.

Wrong answers include:
a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b – I dont know how one goes about rating such things.
c – Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d – Only in the sense that shes younger and thinner.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5. What would you do if I died?

Correct answer: Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first truck that came my way.

This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

Dear, said the wife, what would you do if I died?

why, dear, I would be extremely upset, said the husband. Why do you ask such a question?

Would you remarry? persevered the wife.

No, of course not, dear, said the husband.

Dont you like being married? said the wife.

Of course I do, dear, he said.

Then why wouldnt you remarry?

All right, said the husband, Id remarry.

You would? said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

Yes, said the husband.

Would you sleep with her in our bed? said the wife after a long pause.

Well yes, I suppose I would, replied the husband.

I see, said the wife indignantly. And would you let her wear my old clothes?

I suppose, if she wanted to, said the husband.

Really, said the wife icily. And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?

Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.

Is that so? said the wife, leaping to her feet. And I suppose youd let her play with my golf clubs, too.

Of course not, dear, said the husband. Shes left-handed.

Woman: I have a problem.

Doctor: Well, are you regular?

Woman: Yes I am. Every day I do a number one at 7:30 in the morning and a number two at 8:30.

Doctor: So, whats the problem?

Woman: I dont get up until 9:30!

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.

Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other the woman leans out of her window and yells,
PIG.

The man immediately leans out his window and screams back,
BITCH.

They continue on their way. As the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.