How To Be A Victim Of Marketing

How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man

Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World

WOMENS COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Dont imagine you can change a man – unless hes in diapers.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs dont have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when youre gone.

3. Dogs feel guilty when theyve done something wrong.

4. Dogs admit when theyre jealous.

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).

7. You can train a dog.

8. Dogs are easy to buy for.

9. Dogs understand the word no.

10. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

* Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

* Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to I love you.

* Hallmark would make Sorry, what was your name again? cards.

* If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, shed appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

* Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a Nice hustle, youll get em next time would pretty much do it.

* Birth control would come in ale or lager.

* Youd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people youd worked for, like The Lone Ranger.

* Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

* The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

* Sorry Im late, but I was out getting wasted last night would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

* At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and youd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

* Itd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

* Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the public ugliness ordinance.

* Tanks would be far easier to rent.

* Garbage would take itself out.

* Instead of beer belly, youd get beer biceps.

* Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said Youre #1!

* Valentines Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

* On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, youd get the day off to go drinking. Mothers Day, too.

* St. Patricks Day, however, would remain exactly the same.

* But it would be celebrated every month!

* Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

* The victors in any athletic competition would get to eat the losers for lunch.

* The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

* It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

* Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

* When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. For example:

Cop: You know how fast you were going?
You: All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.
Cop: Nice one. Thats $10 off.

* Faucets would run Hot, Cold, and 100 proof.

* The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

* People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

* Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

* Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation

Women understand that babies do not come from the stork.

When a women is pregnant and craves pickle and mustard sandwich’s, the man groans and wines until they remind him that you are the one having the baby HERE! But when the man craves a six pack, she diligently goes to the store and returns five hours later with a romantic movie.

When women see a caution sign, they carefully avoid it, while men assume that it was meant for someone else, and come home with every bone broken.

Women characterize the first date, by seeing how you act and eat. Men check to see if you can name at least one football, basketball or baseball star.

Women can stand to be wrong, while men make about excuses misunderstanding and some how it is always the womens fault.

When a man attends a concert, he whoops, yells, shrieks and yelps, while gobbling down anything he can get his hands on. While women enjoy the show, dancing and socializing with friends.

When women stay in the bathroom for over 45 seconds, men assume that something is wrong, and walk in to examine the situation.

Women understand about privacy, and wont come in the room until 2 hours have passed.

When in a hospital, women will share all emotions. While men, being the tough guys that they are, will stay calm until someone finally notices that he has wet the chair he is sitting in.

Women love to help. Men feel you want commitment when you ask to do the dishes

Why is Mr. Potato Head the perfect man?

Hes tan, hes cute, and if he looks at another woman, you can rearrange his face.

How to impress a woman:
compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to impress a man:
Show up naked. Bring beer.

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?

So the guy tells him Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, Id like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said, Id like a picket to Tittsburgh.
She socked me one.

The first guy responded, Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties, But I accidentally said, You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.

One day, Sally and her mother were washing dishes. Susie noticed that her mother was starting to get a few white hairs.

Mommy, Why do you have so many white hairs? Sally asked?

Well, when you do something bad or hurt my feelings, I get another white hair. her mom replied.

Oh! Sally said.

She thought for a few minutes, got a puzzled look on her face and then asked her mother, Why is Grandmas hair all white?

Women think they already know everything, but wait… training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11.Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem… Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Dont Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only