What do a woman and a condom have in common?

They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick.

A lady said, Id give a thousand dollars to the man who would worry for me!

The man said, You’re on!. Now where is my thousand dollars?

The lady said, That is your first worry!

Whats the difference between a woman and a dog at your front door?

The dog will stop barking once you let it in!

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said,
OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and Im getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish.

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said,
Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii but Im scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?

The genie laughed and said, Thats impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete… how much steel! No, think of another wish.

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said,
Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women… know how they feel inside and what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment… know why theyre crying, know what they really want when they say nothing… know how to make them truly happy. .

The genie said,
You want that bridge two lanes or four?

40-ish. . . 48.

Adventurous… has had more partners than you ever will.

Athletic… flat-chested.

Average looking… ugly.

Beautiful… pathological liar.

Contagious smile… bring your penicillin.

Educated… college dropout.

Emotionally secure… medicated.

Feminist… fat ball-buster.

Free spirit. . . substance user.

Friendship first. . . trying to live down a reputation as a slut.

Fun… annoying.

Gentle… comatose.

Good listener… borderline autistic.

New-age… all body hair, all the time.

Old-fashioned … lights out, missionary position only.

Open-minded… desperate.

Outgoing. . . loud.

Passionate. . . loud.

Poet… depressive schizophrenic.

Redhead… shops in the Clairol section.

Rubenesque… grossly fat.

Romantic. . . looks better by candlelight.

Voluptuous… very fat.

Weight proportional to height… hugely fat.

Wants soul mate… one step away from stalking.

Widow… nagged first husband to death.

Young at heart… toothless crone.

THE FEMALE STRESS DIET
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:

Breakfast – I grapefruit, I slice whole-wheat toast, I cup of skim milk.

Lunch – Small portion of lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach, 1 cup of herbal tea, I Tim Tam.

Afternoon Tea – The rest of the packet of Tim Tams, I tub of Tip Top ice cream with chocolate topping, I jar of Nutella.

Dinner – 4 bottles of red wine, 2 loaves of garlic bread, I family size supreme pizza, 3 Snickers bars.

Late Night Snack – Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer.

Diet Rules
1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.

2. When drinking a diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate is cancelled out by the diet Coke.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories dont count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (For example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake, vodka…)

5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.

6. Cinema-related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes popcorn, Minties, Maltesers, Jaffas and frozen Cokes.

7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage.

8. Food licked from knives and spoons has no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.

9. Foods that are the same color have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice cream, apples and red jelly snakes.

10. Chocolate is like a food-color wildcard and may be substituted for any other color.

11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass.

12. Food consumed from someone elses plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (Oh, how fat likes to cling!)

And remember: STRESSED SPELT BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS!

Listening Passively

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the
amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, Well, what
about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?

The third fellow says, Ill tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me
on her hands and knees.

The first two guys were amazed. Wow! What happened then? they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, She
said, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.