A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, If it werent for my money, the house wouldnt be here! The wife replied, My dear, if it werent for your money I wouldnt be here.

I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT…
1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after youve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And itll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like So THIS is screwing! and howling like a cat thats being repeatedly jabbed with a needle.

2. I fully understand that a womans main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football teams lose, I agree that – by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman – it will be my fault. Even if I wasnt there.

3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.

4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

5. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as making love), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

6. I will never, ever give your penis a cute nickname.

7. In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

8. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then Ill invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

9. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have ruined me for other men.

10. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so youre in charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine, of course.

Signed:_____________________________
Date:________________

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says,
I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also. I want all the women to go with Saint Peter.

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 160 km long, and in the line of the men who dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said to the 160-km-long line,
You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and your mates whipped you all. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?

And the man replied,
I dont know. My wife told me to stay here.

Continuing Education Courses for Women

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

When Cats Are Like Men

* They are independent.

* They dont listen.

* They dont come in when you call.

* They like to stay out all night.

* They like to watch things move.

* They like to catch prey.

* They like to play.

* They treat you well when you feed them.

* When youre trying to get things done, they want your attention.

* When theyre at home, they like to be left alone and sleep!

Q. How do you scare a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. Man, that guy is stupid I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and heres why.
I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. Thats 76 miles, of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. Thats 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper-to-bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, thats 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That is 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, thats 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, thats 98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem, thats 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and the number is increasing.

That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldnt DREAM of flipping her off.

I refuse to get cable. Thats how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesnt hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

What does a 40 year old woman have between her breasts that an 18 year old doesnt?

Her navel!

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle

Reliable means: Frumpy

Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out

Romantic means: Looks better by candle light