If Men Were to Rewrite The Rules

Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done — not both.

Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 7 When were turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying This is our exit is not necessary.

Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

A woman comes out of the shower one morning. Her husband sneaks up behind her, grabs a hold of her breasts, and says honey, if you firm these up a little bit you wouldnt have to wear a bra quite as much.

She was furious and didnt speak to him for the rest of the week.

The next week, as she comes out of the shower, he sneaks up behind her again, grabs a hold of her buttocks, and says honey, if you firm these up a little bit, you wouldnt have to wear a girdle quite as much.

Well she was furious.

Next morning, he comes out of the shower, and she sneaks up behind him, grasp a hold of his penis, and says you know honey, if you firm this up a little bit, I wouldnt have to see your brother quite as much!!!

Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse.

If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet, or just over a half mile of penis per year.

If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet, or 55,224 yards, or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime.

Anyone whose getting more than that, well, yer just a big ol slut.

Whats the definition of a competitive man?

The one who finishes first and third in the same masturbation contest!

Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctors, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone.

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve…

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, I can do better than that!

WOMENS COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Tell him youre not his type – you have a pulse.

Never let your mans mind wander – its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

Mens Rules for Women

* If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry… we meant it the other way.

* Department stores and malls were purposely designed so that when you want to look at bed linens, shower curtains or handbags, speakers, tires or sporting equipment are always nearby.

* We dont know ANYTHING about handbags. Please, dont even ask.

* We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why…

* Silence does not always need to be filled with discussions about us and the relationship.

* It is in neither your best interest or ours to take those stupid magazine quizzes together.

* Actually, you probably dont want to know what were thinking.

* Good things for you to help us with: the Sunday crossword puzzle, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

* Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching ESPN, playing cards, and home repair.

* Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.

* Curley is the bald one.

* Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Cal Ripken, Michael Jordan, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, dont expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Kathy Lee Gifford or Suzanne Summers are up to.

* Socks never constitute a gift.

* Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.

* Two hot dogs and a drink at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

* Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both!

* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

* When were turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, your saying This is our exit is not necessary.

* No, you cant have the remote control.

Top Ten Things Men Know About Women

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There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

My wife telephoned me because she couldn’t get the car started.

I think theres water in the carburettor, she say’s

Dear, I say… if you know there’s water in the carburettor, why do you need my help?

Well it’s like this. She said… “I put my foot on the wrong peddle and ended up driving into the swimming pool.”